Getting into counseling might be a good idea.

Hugs, Allison
(who divorced after 31 years of abuse)

I would agree with Allison about trying to get into some sort of counseling. It will help you sort out your emotions and give you some things to do to help keep them in check when you need to.

It will be a roller coaster...no one on this site will tell you otherwise. We've all been where you're at in one form or another. You will survive, although right now you may not believe that. I would also agree with Just Me that you need to stop contacting him. It may be murderous at first, but it will get better as well. When you are needing to reach out to someone is there someone else you can call? My sister received some odd calls at odd times of the day.

The grief process is a long and painful journey. But you will be OK. Check into the counseling. I highly recommend it. Prayers and Hugs.

I feel your pain Devastated. For me it has been 5 months of hoping against all hope that my husband will decide he needs to stay in the marriage. My situation is complicated in that we are still living together. I had no idea he had been unhappy but once I found out about the other woman my eyes were opened and I have devoted everything to trying to repair things. You will have good days and bad days. Counseling will help, I find journaling priceless for helping me clarify my thoughts,, and there are many days when I feel that God is truly carrying me. But it does get better. I'm still there on that roller coaster but the hills and valleys aren't quite so severe. Hang in there!

I too journal. Every day I write a passage in my journal, for my eyes only. It helps me to get it all out. I am know to keep it all in and to suffer in silence. But journaling allows me to reflect on my feelings and see things in a different light. Some days I am so angry but then when I read back I see that it might not be so bad, and my attitude changes.
I tried for years to make my marriage and it seemed that the results were the same every time. Often I wonder if I tried hard enough? Then again I know I did my part, he just wasn't willing to give it any effort what so ever
I also question why I even married him....I think somewhere deep within me I knew it was going to be this way but chose to ignore it because I was happy "at the time" He was never a long timer, I get angry with myself for not seeing the truth in the beginning. Guess that what they mean when they say "love is blind"

Alone, I hope that you get your chance to make your marriage work, but more then that I hope you know that you are worth more then a part time husband. It took me a long time to see that I was.

I feel for you. I was in the same situation over a year ago ie. blindsided & living with my husband, desperately trying to work on my marriage. It breaks my heart to hear you say, you had an awakening. I too felt that way. It sounds like you are blaming yourself. I am sure if you look back, there are things you would do differently, we all can relate to that. Since I have had a year to take a step back, I realize how unbelievably unhealthy & dysfunctional it was to not know my husband was unhappy & then Wham!!!! Healthy communication involves two people that are open & willing to share their thoughts, feelings, weaknesses & work on these issues individually & as a couple. My husband left our marriage years ago emotionally & behaviorally unbeknownst to me. Despite struggling emotionally with our seperation & pending divorce, I realize eventually our relationship was destined to fail. If your husband isn't willing or capable of addressing his lack of communication & how it affected the relationship- Big Red waving Flag!!! I wish the best for you. Be kind to yourself

I'm so sorry... what a devastating situation. I agree that maybe therapy or counseling is a good idea. Even if your husband won't participate, you should really consider going for your own well being.

For the time being, I might start to document anything you can in case you end up in court (this might sound insensitive, but I'm a divorce lawyer so I'm inclined to think along these lines). I really hope it doesn't come to that, but if you're proactive, you can protect yourself in the long run.

Keep in mind that whatever he's done (or not done) has nothing to do with you. You can't stop a midlife crisis, and it's not your fault that he's making impulsive decisions.


Please keep us updated, and good luck.

-Mary
Stearns-Law

what you said is exactly how i feel....we spend most of our adult lifes being a wife what do we do when that is taken away? it was a big part of who we are