I know exactly what you are going through jaylynee. My oldest son is 9. My ex and I have been apart since May 2009. All was going good, court ordered my ex was not allowed to enter my home, his father picked up the kids and dropped them off. Then my ex moved in with his GF and orders changed. He did pick up and drop of. HJe refused to be civil during the whole process, and I was more then happy not to talk to him.
My 9 year old is the one who has been affected the most by all of this. He is my "feeler" I explained to him why Mommy had to make Daddy leave and he was "okay" with it. He didn't like it but he understood that my ex and I needed to be apart. I explained it to him that it is the same as when he and his brother are fighting, they need to separate so did Daddy and Mommy. Well Daddy took him one visit and never returned him (there was no court order at the time) I was apart from my babies for 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks my ex took it upon himself to tell my boys that I was a horrible person who kicked Daddy out because I was selfish and didn't love them. HE also talked to them about courts, lawyers and all the other garbage that goes along with divorce, all the things kids DO NOT need to hear. When I finally got my son back he was different. He didn't want to talk to me, he talked back every time I told him to do something, he was very nasty and hateful towards me and his brother. It has taken me almost a year to get my boy back to being my boy. It is a long hard road. Just love him. When he talks back, is angry and hateful..LOVE HIM. Explain to him you will not tolerate his behavior but that you love him just the same. Encourage him to talk to you. To write in a journal...get him a punching bag to take his anger out on. Get him into counseling ( my son won't talk to anyone, he clams up but we are talking again now so I think he is okay)
My youngest flies through life on a rainbow of laughter. Not a care in the world. Could care less if ex was around. Ex never had a relationship with him anyhow. I still worry about how this will effect him in the long run.
Your son is acting perfectly normal. I know that doesn't help. It hurts to see our children hurt. HE will get better, you just have to be as loving as you can through his emotional roller coaster. ((HUGS)) Hang in there it will get better.

Thanks Lisa. I am sorry you had to go through this too. My husband for the last three days has been civil, which is a miracle. But I never know when this will change and when he will go back to being a total jerk.

My son is currently crying in his room. He got upset that I yelled at him (he was bothering his 4 year old sister and wouldn't stop). He tells me "I hate you" and "You are the worst mother." It is so upsetting. It seems like he is always unhappy. The funny thing is, when my husband was living here things were so much more stressful- always yelling, my husband was always mad, it was horrible. But that doesn't matter to my son, since he is only 9 of course, he only cares that daddy is not here.

I try to do special things with him, I try to show him how much I love him. He is okay some of the time. His teacher said she has not noticed any change so at least he is ok at school. He is just so SAD. It is torture to watch.

Well I am going back in his room now to see if he will talk to me or just hug. Or, he will tell me to "get out." UGH. THanks again.

I've ben told "I hate you" a time or two. Don't let it bother you, he doesn't mean it. I promise you that. My son even said he wanted to live with his Dad. That hit me like a ton of bricks, but then I posted here and the women here ( who are great) assured me this is normal behavior.
I was told " All you do is yell at me" "You love brother more then you love me" " You hate me" " I wish you weren't my Mom" They are all hurtful but I know that he doesn't mean any of it It's his way of lashing out his hurt. I always get a giant hug and a big "I love you Mommy" when he has sat in his room for a while. I let him (and me) cool off then I go and talk to him. Usually when he is acting up something is upsetting him.

Jaylynne (btw I love your name, it's very pretty!) I also get where you are coming from and I agree to see if you can get counseling for him, I am sure his school has someone who can help. Do you talk to him about his behavior? Ask him what he's thinking? For my kids (16 and 10, but this has been going on since they were born so it's not new) they don't want counseling, I have offered, but they talk to me and seem OK. Mine also ignores me, but ignores kids as well, for months on end (he's an addict and when he's off, well, he comes by physically but is like a ghost). Now mine is trying to get back with me again, (he's been "gone" since September, in my house everyday but off on drugs/alcohol), makes me dinner, bought me flowers, swears he'll stay off that crap, hugs me, kisses me, makes me coffee in the morning, helps with the kids...ALL the stuff we have deserved all these years but I know it won't last, he always goes back to the addiction he can't help it and I am so stressed right now I am just going along with it until I am strong enough to file (I have met with lawyers, have paperwork 85% done, but I have other stresses right now and can't deal with it all at once so I am holding off until I can cope better). I know mine goes off and ignores when he sinks into his depression, he makes things worse for himself than better. How bad was your husband? I am imagining pretty bad if you got an order of protection. Do you think he can be helped? How would he respond to you suggesting he go to counseling himself and learn the source of his anger and to get it under control? Do you believe he loves you? My big problem is I know my husband loves me, he just doesn't love me the way I need to be. His is a selfish love, he wants me as his possession, not as a partner. I need a partner, someone who respects me and cares about my happiness. He can talk the talk when he gets sober but it's only for so long then that's it again for awhile. When he tries to get back with me he is sweet, respectful, we share things together and laugh. He doesn't pressure me for anything. But it is heart wrenching because I know that monster will resurface again. My son (16) doesn't care too much either way. My daughter (10) is torn. She wants me happy, that's it. He makes me mad, she wants him gone. We get along, she comments that we are getting on. Even last night I kissed her goodnight and she said see, you and daddy got along today, so I know it tears her up even though she is so brave. Which makes me even angrier at him, doesn't he see what he's doing? I am here, have been here, since day one. He...??? So frustrating.

Anyway, sorry to ramble...
So please talk to your son and see if he would like to go counseling, if not, encourage him to talk to you (and his dad if you think he would be receptive). If you can, see if you can talk to your husband and try to get him to understand what the kids are going through. Maybe he'll get help. Even if you two can't stay together, he should still try to get his anger under control, not just for the kids but for himself too. We all have issues, we all have pain, it's how we handle it. I know I don't handle it well at times, this is my second day off from work being sick, I have literally made myself ill over this but I need to take care of myself now and get better. And so do you, make sure you take good care of yourself, reach out for help wherever you can, and have faith that no matter how things end up, it is the way it's supposed to be. Tomorrow's a new day, all we can do is our best. Keep going, keep loving. I can only imagine (my parents are not divorced) that it must be scary for a child, wondering if they will be sent away, too, or if you or their dad will stop loving them. I have had these talks with mine, to reassure them they will always be loved and never left behind. Sometimes it is easier to push people away before they push you away. Maybe your son is afraid of being rejected so he pushes everyone away now. As hard as he pushes, make sure he knows you are not leaving him. Lots and lots of love and all will be fine, I do think the biggest fear and worry is the loss of love, and speaking of, sending you and your family lots of love and support!

Jaylynne, all the advice is correct.

Love, love and more love BUT stick to your boundaries no matter how guilty you feel dont try and compensate in other ways. Children love structure and they love rules, they also live to push those boundaries its our job to keep them in place NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

He is able to tell you he hates you, simply because you are his safety net, he knows that no matter what he says and does to you, your love is unconditional. He cant vent like this with other people because he doesnt have that security with them. As hard as it is to hear, its actually a testament of the trust he bestows in you.

Be there for him, talk about things if he wants to, let him know you know he hurts sometimes but that the sadness wont last forever. Let him know he is loved totally and utterly even when he says those awful things.
A journal is a good idea or ask him to write letters to you and dad explaining how he is feeling. He could draw pictures when he is feeling down just to get the feelings out of him.

Its a tricky road, guilt kicks in and is no use to anyone, least of all you and your children. Its hard for you, its hard for them but it wont always be that way, its a matter of time and adjustment for you all and you WILL adjust.

Explain a smuch as you can, let them know its normal to feel angry and sad sometimes, tell them you also feel like that sometimes.

I have found with my 9 year old honesty is the best policy. we went through a rough patch 'I want to live with dad' OUCH! But we got through it and we are probably closer than we have ever been now.

You and your children will be ok, have faith and remember that guilt is nothing but destructive.

Thinking of you.