After about three years of trying to figure out my husband's addiction to pain meds and severe depression, I finally resorted to getting an apartment for my daughter and me to get away from the situation and to convince him to go for inpatient treatment. I took him to an inpatient program and he stayed less than 24 hours--said he didn't belong there, and refused to participate. He has episodes of rage and the last one about three weeks ago had my daughter, my 18-yr old son and me all crying and shaking. That was it. I really thought I was doing the right thing by getting away--should have done it two years ago. But my 13-year old refuses to leave--that is "her" home..her room...she says he's fine now and won't do it again. I believe her decision is influenced by my daughter away at college who is mad and thinks I should be at home (she hasn't been here to live through the past three years).
From all indications, he has been calm since I left...he sleeps a lot of the time though but is making some effort. He has seen a therapist but doesn't think he needs inpatient. I still have spent a lot of time over there--made them food--etc...but my 13-year old has been pretty much doing everything for herself. I don't know if she feels she needs to take care of her dad, or if she thinks if she stays there, I'll just move back. I go between thinking maybe I should go back out of duty and be miserable but there to take care of her and protect her-- but then the next moment I think my marriage is very broken and I dont' see ever getting the desire back to return to it. (he has tried to choke me in a fit of rage once, and has told me he wishes I were dead) His normal personality is gentle and easygoing, but he has been ill for eight years...and no matter how hard I've tried to help him, he has not tried, and has made choices to sabotage his own health and the health of our family and has taken me down in the pit with him. I feel sorry for him and have felt obligated to stay despite the abusive situation, but finally came to a point where I just could not anymore.. I can't understand why my children are defiant--I have told them you should never allow anyone to treat you this way, even if they are sick, and even if you have been married 22 years.... My main concern is my 13-year old-I should be her caregiver, PERIOD. -has anyone else dealt with this? I don't want to be divorced yet I can't see reconciliation right now...i don't want an ugly custody fight.
I have not been in your situation so others I'm sure can offer more personal advice. Listening to you describe your daughter, however, reminds me of an abused woman and how when the abuser apologizes and is OK for awhile she continues to forgive and to go back to him. Is there a woman's shelter in your community? They have a great deal of experience with these things and could offer you guidance. Have you seen a counselor? Any chance your daughter would go to a counselor? I wish I could be of more help. Let us know how things are going for you.
I made an appointment for her with my therapist who specializes in adolescents but my husband balked...so the therapist suggested family therapy where he is included--so we have an appt.
I went to see a divorce attorney to see how I can legally get her to stay with me and he wasn't very encouraging...saying it would take suing for custody, and that the judges almost always let a 13-year old girl stay where she wants--if she's forced to go where she doesn't want to be, he says,many times a teenage girl will find an older boy...run away...get pregnant, etc. he said it's totally different than teenage boys. I'm not sure I agree with this--
It sounds to me like you are concerned about her safety. That is a completely different thing than just not wanting to give in to her. I still think it might be wise to seek advice from an abused women's center. Good luck. My heart aches for you.