I totally understand. I was with the x for 36 years and HATE being alone; responsible for everything; recently had a car accident; all kinds of icky things happen; no one there; although I do have family and friends, job and going to school....just hate being alone.

Hugs, Allison

I too have days that seem to vary drastically ie. "feeling OK/great or even happy," to "feeling like laying in the fetal position crying, lonely & almost neurotically awful!" I feel sickened & disheartened that the man I shared my life with for 13 years decieved me so badly. Despite the emotional struggle that I am going through, I know that it is crucial for me to work on my sense of self & comfort being alone. I want to be happy, confident & feel secure with myself as certainly if anything I have learned that "you just don't know!" I think it is a bit neurotic to be lamenting over a man that lied to me a countless number of times & cheated on me. That is not a relationship that I want or would have wanted for myself! A day at a time ... I hope we all can allow these thoughts to guide us towards moving on, wanting & knowing that we deserve better. ~&~ ladies really think twice about having sex with your ex's. You are worth more then that & should be concerned about the risks you are essentially consenting to.

Thanks everyone! It feels good to know there are other women who understand. And guess what today was good. I met a girlfriend after work for dinner. We had drinks and good food and talked about everything. It helps to have good friends who can listen and empathize and give a shoulder to cry on. The sad days are not lasting as long as they did. And the good days are lasting longer. Time does heal just not as fast as I would like. I am trying to work on my level of patience. I hope everyone is doing well. I am here for everyone! Thanks again!!

I am so glad you had a good day. I am thankful for such days b/c I feel like they give me a glimpse of faith & hope that I will get through this. I had an OK day today & I'll take it! I also get down with thoughts of wondering when many good days in a row are ahead of me. Go to bed with a smile tonight. Be proud for taking the high road & knowing that you are a strong woman that is working your way towards moving on towards a happier self & life. GOD knows we both deserve it~

Ctwc I am so sorry you are having a bad day. Yes, time will help but I very much understand your feelings. I am clinging desperately to what may very well be a lost cause because I do not want to be lonely, to be alone. I have been with my husband for 32 years, I simply can't imagine life without him. I know I can take care of myself, but I just plain don't want to. I love being part of a couple, love giving and receiving love. I have family and friends too but there is nothing to take the place of love between a man and a woman. Please know that you are not alone.

Hi Alone! I am afraid at times that I will fall into a relationship with someone so I don't have to be alone. I keeping telling myself that I am not going to allow my loneliness affect my next relationship. Even though I can't imagine being in another relationship at this time. Just that idea scares me but being alone scares me as well. I feel like I am in a no lose no win situation. I don't want to be alone but I can't imagine being with someone else. Divorce and love really suck!!!

I don't know if this post is appropriate or not, I truly hope with all my heart the message I intend comes through! After almost 20 years of marriage to an addict, I decided to get away once and for all. He lives in my basement. have 2 kids. He now wants back in my life. Does what he should, what a normal husband/father would do, but of course he sees his actions as extreme kindness. I admit after my initial anger i gave in (no more than hugging and mild kissing, NOTHING heavy, would be a PG movie if that!!) Since that one time that one night...I am angrier than ever. he does NOT deserve me. Would you really want him back if meant being with him vs being "alone"? I was so sad and mad and lonely, when he wanted to try again, I felt relieved when he wanted back but it was so short lived. I have become so used to being alone, to being a single mom, and you know what? i LIKE it that way! So here I am getting what I wanted, realizing it was just what I thought what I wanted, but it's not what I needed. i love my freedom, the lack of uncomfortable feelings being around him. So I am pushing him away. All these years of wanting him, now he's here, it's too late. Really think hard what it would be like if he came back. I can tell you it is NOT fun. Would any of you truly be happy and grateful he wants you again, after all the crap he did? I can tell you, NO WAY, he can go to hell, go live the life he chose, I told him the way he sees things...to be a husband and father when all is well, then bail out and get drunk and high when things get rough, well, that's not how it works in my world. You're in or you're out, with the good and the bad. We all know, right?? It's not all rosy and perfect, whether with him, or work, or kids...but you are there for the bad and work through it and appreciate the good. So for any of you wishing for your ex back, I wish so much I can let you feel what I feel...it does NOT feel good when THEY decide they want to play house again! It feels worse, for me my anger level hasn't been higher and I can't hold it in too well, OK , not much at all!!! HOW DARE HE think he can treat me like garbage then decide he's had enough of the druggie life and EXPECT me to be HAPPY he's back????? Makes no sense!!!! Whole thing of feeling WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???? Thanks but no thanks. See ya!

Hi Strongspirit - I miss him but, I could not imagine him coming back into my life. He kicked me to the curb like yesterdays garbage! If he was to come back life with him would never be like it was. Your post really hit home. There is no going back. It just sucks the way everything turned out. It was not what I imagined for my life. But, then again who said it was going to be what I imagined. There is a saying that goes something like "make a plan and god laughs". I could be wrong on the exact wording. I guess life is all about change whether we want it or not!

Funny thing-I have always HATED change. Through the proces of living with a jerk, having Jerk leave me and going through the divorce I have really learned to go with the flow, be flexible, and even be spontaneous at times. I am living in limbo right now...nothing predictable here, but I'm OK. Don't know for sure what the relevance was of this to this thread, but ctwc's post took my brain in that direction.

Thanks ladies as always. I get to see things through other people eyes and my eyes get wider and wider. Thanks. I know my life right now might not be what I really wanted for me and my kids, but I have faith that one day we will be there, and we will be happy. I do believe what goes around, comes around. or something like that, and I know the flea will pay for everything he did to me and my kids and he will be sorry and it will be too late for everything. Don't get me wrong I do not wish anything bad on him but just a little pay back would be good for humility.

Even Christ said, "You are either for me or against me." He knows selfish people like to live on the middle line and hop back and forth to where ever they want....Marriage is the same way...once they hop those lines it is so much easier the next time. Trust is a hard thing to gain back once you give it away to something or someone else.

Susan

Once trust has been lost can it ever be FULLY reovered? I can think back to a few white lies I caught Jerk in early on, and I don't think I ever FULLY trusted him after that. I didn't realize that at the time, but looking back when he spoke I always wondered...

Becky, I think there are some cases where someone can change or we would have a world full of liars, but I think the betrayer really has to have a true change of heart and really put their all into breaking the habit of lies and betrayals. I have seen people change, but I have also seen people like my ex who say they want to change, but never really do because deep down they are content in lying to get what they want. My ex never really tried to make things work when he asked to come back. I think the deeper someone falls into lying, the harder if ever that they can pull themselves out. In the Bible God says he hates lies and that the devil is the father of liars. God knows how lies can spread and destroy lives, marriages, families etc like a in-festive disease. Lies grow, spread and destroy and also becomes habitual.

Susan