This is only a thought that popped into my head while reading your post. You state how your husband's family is doing what they can to keep him from you...and this makes me think that maybe in the back of your mind you are telling yourself..."If it wasn't for them we might possibly work this out."

This could give you a false hope and keep you from letting go if you need to. I'm not saying this is the case, but it is a thought. My situation was another woman in my ex's life. At first we want to blame it all on the other woman or perhaps a family member etc, but as time goes by we begin to see that these men were born with backbones, a mouth and a brain to decide what they want.

My ex's excuse was..."I couldn't help it, it just happened." That is pure and total nonsense. He had control over himself if he wished to use it. All he had to do was say NO to this girl the first time anything happened, but he chose not to. They both decided to have the affair and leave their families....no one had a gun to their head.

I'm not telling you this to make you feel any worse, but sometimes a person will allow it to look like someone or something else is making them do something just to ease the guilt of what they are doing in the first place....we all have free will...but some of us do not have compassion or commitment.

In time you will either learn to let go or he may realize what he is doing wrong and come back...but you have to do whatever is best for you to do now to move on with your life at this point. This is not easy...I have been there.

Susan

I absolutely agree with Susan. Don't dismiss your husband regarding accountability. You are also his family & should be a priority. If your husband is blaming or yielding to his family regarding filing for divorce, big red flag. My husband also cheated on me, probably multiple times. Not for one second, under any circumstances did I blame the other women. He is an intelligent, grown man & the one that shared vows with me, not the other women. Natural disasters just happen not choices of free will! It sounds like you are giving your husband more credit then he probably deserves. He is not a child & you are not his Mother. If he is truly grounded, sincere & invested in working on your marriage then he needs to own it!

You are both right that he is making the choices here. That's what I have said about Jerk all along. Throughout our marriage he yielded to whatever his father wanted. We fought and fought about that. I am so glad now he's gone. My stbx mother-in-law and I have maintained a relationship. I can't stand my father-in-law. (They are divorced as well.) My feeling towards my father-in-law aren't because my husband left me, but because of what my stbx father-in-law did to me over the years. I have separated the blame and they can each own their own. All I can say is Thank God Jerk left!

My ex's excuse was..."I couldn't help it, it just happened." That is pure and total nonsense. He had control over himself if he wished to use it. All he had to do was say NO to this girl the first time anything happened, but he chose not to. They both decided to have the affair and leave their families....no one had a gun to their head.

Yep...mine said the same thing, in slightly different words. Nobody made him leave the marriage in the dirt. He chose to do so.

To quote a character from a book most of us are likely familiar with: 'It is our choices that make us who we are.' If this is true, then WK is a world-class jackass.

I think you should really reflect on your own words. You wrote "It has been a horrible marriage filled with hate and abuse on both of our ends." And you want to stay because...?? Oh, I know, because you immediately afterwards wrote "I love him sooo much." Does this not strike you as odd? Common, yes. But OK? No. And I am totally not judging you here. I have been in a HORRIBLE marriage for 20 years. But I loved him sooo much too! So recently I started asking myself WHY do I love him. I thought my love for him was true and real because the only answer I could come up with was because I do. Not because he's sweet, he's not. Not because he treats me well, brings out the best in me, is handsome and smart, makes me feel loved, safe and secure, because none of that is true either. You know why I loved him? Because I thought no one else would be with me. Yup. Now I realize I am worthy of love, I am worthy of being respected. So I want out. Now he has completely turned around. He is being a good husband, father, and friend. But I can't take him back. Every time I start feeling maybe it could work, I get filled with anger as I remember 20 years worth of sadness, anger, and resentment. So really really think hard about your feelings. I wish I had this level of understanding years ago, it would have saved a lot of heartache. But hey, I have learned a lot in the process so I am just thankful for that. Sometimes you have to know when something is done, when it's time to stop and let it go.

good advice....I like your post.

Dee