I think you should really reflect on your own words. You wrote "It has been a horrible marriage filled with hate and abuse on both of our ends." And you want to stay because...?? Oh, I know, because you immediately afterwards wrote "I love him sooo much." Does this not strike you as odd? Common, yes. But OK? No. And I am totally not judging you here. I have been in a HORRIBLE marriage for 20 years. But I loved him sooo much too! So recently I started asking myself WHY do I love him. I thought my love for him was true and real because the only answer I could come up with was because I do. Not because he's sweet, he's not. Not because he treats me well, brings out the best in me, is handsome and smart, makes me feel loved, safe and secure, because none of that is true either. You know why I loved him? Because I thought no one else would be with me. Yup. Now I realize I am worthy of love, I am worthy of being respected. So I want out. Now he has completely turned around. He is being a good husband, father, and friend. But I can't take him back. Every time I start feeling maybe it could work, I get filled with anger as I remember 20 years worth of sadness, anger, and resentment. So really really think hard about your feelings. I wish I had this level of understanding years ago, it would have saved a lot of heartache. But hey, I have learned a lot in the process so I am just thankful for that. Sometimes you have to know when something is done, when it's time to stop and let it go.