I have just gone through the most miserable and heartbreaking weekends of my life since my mom died 30 years ago. I am so sad and broken that it's a miracle that I can still function.

After my other post where I wrote about how I am heartbroken about what has been going on with my marriage, I caught my husband in a lie and he confessed that he has been talking (on the cell phone I didn't know he had) with a woman for several months that he dated from before we had our child-a woman I never knew about before now. He doesn't think of it as cheating but I know he is participating in an affair of the heart even though he hasn't seen her-yet-because she lives in another state. He told me he thinks he loves her and that he loves me but is not "in love" with me. He met her during the time we were separated for less than a year. Back then, we separated over what I thought were mainly money problems but the split was worse and more deceitful than I ever knew. I was a basket case during our separation and my dad-who thought of my husband as the son he'd always wished he'd had while my husband thought of my dad as the dad he'd always wished he'd had-asked him to go to marriage counseling with me and work it out one way or another. So there we were in marriage counseling and working on our marriage but there were 3 of us in the marriage because my husband was still seeing that woman at the same da*n time! If I had known about her it would have changed EVERYTHING!!!! What kills me is that if I had known all those years ago that he was seeing that skanky ho-anyone who cheats with a married man is a skank and ho in my book-I would never have slept with him and I would not be in this nightmare now! But the real kicker is that he continued his relationship with her during the time I was blissfully and happily pregnant and thought WE were happy! He says things were platonic at that point which I don't believe for a minute. He says he ended it for good when our baby was born. Nice guy huh?! How in the he*l do you do that to someone and be able to live with yourself?! How do you LIE like that for 16 years!!! I am stunned beyond words! This has all been a huge shock and I am shaken to the core. I feel like my life is totally over, that my life has been squandered. I really don't know how I will survive this.

He is surprised that I haven't kicked him out yet but I still want to go to the marriage counseling that we never went to last year. We have both played our parts and now we are both lost and confused. He is torn up with guilt and grief and I am grieving and am beating myself up for gaining weight and driving him away.

It's all so unbelievable because I never thought this man would do this to me because he was there when my mom was killed in a car accident. He KNOWS how broken I still am from my mom's death. Meanwhile, my head tells me to let go but my heart won't listen. I am shattered, in pieces on the floor.

Sweetie: You didn't drive him away because you gained some weight. I would suggest you go into therapy by YOURSELF for awhile.........you have so much pain......Deal with things one at a time.....the cheater later on, if and when you want to.

Love and Hugs, Alicia

Alison, Becky and LadyRB, thank you for sharing your stories, it really helps. You have all been through a lot and it's heartbreaking to read.

Alison, I'm glad that you said my weight isn't the real reason. I kind of know that but after so many years hearing it from him, I'm believing it too.

Becky, I am so sorry about your mom. A sudden shocking death like that leaves wounds that never really heal. My heart goes out to you.

LadyRB, I really like what you said about looking forward to the future, it gives me hope.

As for counseling I was really lucky to find a great therapist right after the New Year but I want my husband and I to also see a marriage counselor to help us both find some clarity-one way or another.

One more thing I have to say is that I was really in total shock, disbelief and pain when I posted here before, but now I'm getting angry especially after reading other stories here and elsewhere. I am becoming quite cynical now. The innocent/naive woman I was is gone.

Big Hugs to all of you.

My stbx flat out refused to go to counseling for YEARS. Then, when he told me he was going to move out, he told me he'd go to counseling but it wouldn't change anything. Then he said, "When do you think I should move out?" I told him not to waste my time and money on a counselor and to get his bag and go. I didn't want to spend one more minute with someone that doesn't want to be here. Two days later I told him, "I see you're still here. There's the door...use it. It only swings one way."

Lonelyone, I believe we have some things in common! My mom was also killed in an accident...a farm accident, but it has only been 6 years. I also have gained weight over the years and for a long time I thought that if I just looked good again our marriage would be better. I lost weight and he never once told me I looked good...it didn't matter one bit. As much as it hurt, it was ME he didn't want to be with.

Now I have issues with the "I still love you, but I'm not in love with you" line. Really? You love me but you're doing this to me? I don't think so. After 30 years there may not be as much passion in the marriage, but if you truly love someone you will do whatever you can FOR them.

I agree with Allison. Get YOURSELF into counseling. Do things to make you feel better about you. HE has chosen the path he has chosen, you haven't DRIVEN him away.

Thinking about you. Hugs.

I have been there, I was pregnant with our son when he was sitting in my living room talking on the phone with the flavor of the year, making plans on how he had found the perfect house out in country, I stayed with him for 7 more yrs. This last one, is a co-worker, I threw him out and he went on a victim vent, he has told every one that I was fat and never took care of myself,(he is also fat) and a lot of other things. We can change for ourselves but not for any one else. I have done so many things different now that he is no longer with me. I have found out how many other woman have been through this marriage and how dumb I was to put up with all his lies.

I would say don't look for answers, look forward to a life you can live without the lies, those are the one that hurt more. Take care and keep us posted.