Ladyrb, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! he is the crazy one. Keep this in the front of your mind when he tries the control method again. Remind yourself, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, HE IS!! Keep saying this to yourself. Think of him with Godzilla's head on his shoulders! That should stop you in your tracks about who controls you.

Are you going to continue to be controlled by a MONSTER - I think not. After reading your posts, you are a very STRONG, SMART, BEAUTIFUL woman! Stand up to Godzilla, tell him straight, in a nice way if thats easier, because its way easier to be nice than nasty, we can all relate to that. (apologies if you don't like the monster I picked for your husband)

Tell him, I no longer need to know what you are doing, so please STOP. Remind him, he obviously needs reminding, WE ARE NO LONGER MARRIED, WE ARE DIVORCED, divorced people move on with their lives, thats why you wanted the DIVORCE, remember, remind him. Stick it to him, in that lovely voice you can find inside yourself. Remind him he has a NEW WIFE now, keep reminding him how HE HAS MOVED ON. Tell him his NEW WIFE needs him now, focus on your new life.

Keep telling him until the penny drops, and it will. I have the same issue, as I have written before on this blog. I never realised how contolling my stbx is and still is even though he moved out 9mths ago. If I mention something is not working at home he says, why didn't you call me, and my reply is, you are busy with your new life and I don't want to bother you. This really pees him off because he thinks I can't live on my own and source help from anyone other than him, he hates it.

He still believes he can control me, so I put a stop to it. Told him straight, he is no longer in control. He didn't like it one bit, but the minute you stand up to them, BANG! hit him in the head like a smack with an iron bar!

My eyes have been truely opened up now that I see him for what he has become. He is not the man I married, he is gone, thats how I am moving on.

You can be strong, even if it is hard to start with, practice makes perfect and you will be the one in control very soon. Take care and YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! far from it.

I'd say you've taken a great first step by recognizing what's going on and know what you need to do. The challenge is the HOW to do it. The court has ordered the alimony and child support. He is supporting you but that does not mean you OWE him anything. Find ways to become independent. I'm not recalling without looking back about your employment situation. Is it possible to get even a parttime job. This would make you feel some of the money is yours.

My stbx also wants to control my life. I put my nose up next to his one night and said, "YOU left. YOU decided you didn't want to be in this marriage. YOU have gotten your wish. But guess what? YOU no longer get to control ME. SO BACK OFF!" I'm not going to say it ended everything, but it did help. I certainly got a reaction from him. [rotl]

Next time he starts to tell you what he's doing, what would happen if you said, "I appreciate that you're keeping me up-to-date on things, but I have enough trouble keeping my things straight. Please don't confuse me with the details. I'll let you know when I have less going on."

Self talk, self talk, self talk. Think about those situations when you want things to go differently. Practice how you will react and what you will say. YOU CAN DO THIS. Old habits die hard. After that many years of caving to keep him content, it won't be easy. But THIS IS YOUR LIFE. No better time than the present to live it.

Keep us posted.

Watch this video:

http://www.simonscat.com/catchat.html

Then be like the cat!

If someone is going on about stuff, I look away, check my watch, interrupt and say well that's nice, but I have to go I am busy! It was HARD to do at first, I don't like to be rude, I put up with a lot of crap rather than risking hurting someone else. But then I realized they are not giving a **** about my feelings, why should I about theirs? Or just point blank say, thanks for all the details, but I really don't care. When I first did it, I had to be brave I felt like I was turning red and shaking, but I actually came across pretty strong (I asked a friend who witnessed). You don't need to put up with it and you know that. But old habits are hard to break. FORCE yourself to react differently. Set up a plan in your mind ahead of time, then act out the part. It'll come naturally over time. Or as he's talking, just stare off into the distance and go over your grocery list in your head or something. When he stops talking, just look at him and say "huh"? I've actually said. "I'm sorry, I totally wasn't listening to you" or I'll come back from my day dream and smile and say "wow, I didn't hear a single word you said." Or after he's done, say "you know what's amazing? You just spent all that time saying all those words, and I really just don't care." And smile politely. Trust me, once you do it a couple of times, it will become very natural and you will always walk off smiling to yourself! When is the next time you will see him? Come on, we are all backing you here, you won't have us by your side but our "spirits" will be with you, get your attitude on and let us know what happens! You don't have to be mean or nasty to make your point, just point blank, matter of fact. You can do that!!

Hi

Yes, it can seem like nothing has changed....the same old behavior.

I also think it is the dependency on his cash that lets him keep talking to you like that...

Try to find a way to be financially independent...use some of his money that he pays you...to be self employed...work part time, volunteer at a place you like...or anything that will make you feel better about yourself.

For me, it was no contact....none...except for emails....and even then, I can still feel the same as you for just a short time.

Dee