I just googled divorce forums and found this one, hoping I can find some advice and support here.

I met my husband when I was 15, and we dated for four years then got married when I was 19. Shortly after we got married we had our first daughter, then 2 years later had our 2nd daughter. I was a stay at home mom for awhile, but decided to follow my dreams and start my own business. For as long as I can remember I haven't been very happy in my marriage, I can remember thinking when I was a stay at home mom that I wanted to leave, but didn't think I could because i didn't work.

My husband has always been a self medicator. He says he has a hard time getting to sleep at night, so he uses drugs or alcohol to help. He used to smoke pot every night, but quit (because he was on probation and had to have UA's) and started drinking beer every night. He drinks about 3-5 beers a night, and although he doesn't get drunk or act any different, it does bother me. He is dependant on it and I have tired to tell him that I think he has a problem, but he gets really defencive and claims he doesn't have a problem.

There have been 2 incidents in the last 3 months that have really pushed me to want to leave. Both incidents involved him getting drunk during the day and rough housing with our 4 and 5 year old girls. Both times they ended up getting hurt. The first time it happened we left and went to my sisters house, but he threatened to come over there and cause a scene, so we came home. The second time it happened I tried to leave again, but he wouldn't let me. He was rough housing with the kids and he wanted to stop, but our 5 year old was having fun and kept jumping around. He got ****** and spanked the heck out of her and left a welt in the shape of his hand on her backside. He clenched his fists and got all ****** off and I thought he was going to hit me, and I called the police on him. He left before they got here, and they said there wasn't much they could do because it isn't against the law to spank your child.

He is also controlling and has trust issues with me. He checks my email and facebook accounts several times a day, and checks my phone, text messages, and phone records often. He also does things like asks the kids if I was with them all day, or if I dropped them off at grandmas house at all. I think he thinks that I drop the kids off with other people so I can cheat on him. I have never cheated on him, although several years ago one of his best friends was flirting with me and I didn't know how to react to it so I laughed it off and didn't say anything, but he found out and to this day he thinks we did something, they are no longer friends.

I am ready to leave. I have wanted to for a very very long time, but I was scared, didn't think I could do it on my own. I have started looking at apartments and have some money set aside to move. Now the question is how do I break the news to him? He is totally clueless.

I am thinking I should wait until I find an apartment and am ready to move, should I move the same day I tell him? Should I sign the lease before I tell him? I plan on taking the kids, what are my rights when it comes to that? Can he call the cops and say I am kidnapping them? Should I pack up everything while he isn't home and have it ready to go right after I have the talk with him? What do I say to the kids?

I am also not sure what to say to his mom. I have a closer relationship to her then he does, and she watches the kids when I work sometimes, so I am going to have to have the talk with her. She is very against drinking, and I don't want to just come out and say your son is an alcoholic.... I really love his mom and don't want to hurt her, but I am going to need to talk to her. When and how do I do that? Should I talk to her before I talk to him? Should I try to talk to her before he has a chance? He is going to lie to her and say he doesn't drink, or that he only has a beer from time to time. I don't want his mom to think that I am being ridiculous, I don't think she will, but you never know.....

I feel kinda bad, he has been trying to turn his life around had is going back to school, he is working really hard to get an engineering degree and if I leave he will have to get a job if he doesn't want to lose the house, so school will get put on the back burner for him. What happens if he loses the house? My name is not on the loan because my credit was not very good when we bought it, but since we are married is it still going to come back on me if it goes into foreclosure? I really don't want to ruin his life, but I kinda feel like I am going to by leaving.

What if he wont let me take the kids when I leave? I already know he is going to be upset and/or ****** that I am leaving, but he will be even more ****** when he finds out I am moving 45 minutes away to be closer to my family, and that our oldest daughter is going to be switching schools. I have a feeling he will try to use that to try to keep the kids. I don't have a criminal background, have never done drugs, don't drink or smoke, and run my own business. He does have a bit of a criminal background, has done drugs (mostly pot) in the past, drinks, smokes cigarettes, doesn't have a job, and won't be able to afford the mortgage payment when I leave. Needless to say I think the kids are better off with me, but I am so scared he isn't going to let me take them. I plan on letting him see them on the weekends.

Should I have the police here when I move out just to be on the safe side? I REALLY don't want things to get ugly, but I think it could. Should I tell him where I am moving? I don't really want him to be able to just show up, and I would feel safer if he didn't know, but I also think he might follow me to find out where I live. Do I have to tell him?? He is going to throw a fit and tell me I have to tell him where his kids are.

The other thing is the car... we have 2, but only drive one because the other needs a little work (new break pads and a starter, easy fix he can do himself). The one that we currently drive is in his name, but we have always referred to it as my car, and I have been claiming the mileage for it on my business taxes for the last few years. The other car is paid off and has always been "his" car. What do I do if he doesn't let me take the car?? I can probably go and get another car, but I guess I would rather not.

I should also probably mention that he is not usually physical with me, but there have been maybe 5 or 6 times over the last 12 years that he has gotten physical, never closed fist, but he has pushed me, slapped me, pinned me to the ground and choked me, he has broken 2 windows and 3 or 4 of my phones while we were fighting, broken a lamp, and put a couple holes in the wall when we were fighting, so he does have a bit of a temper.

I know I totally rambled, I guess I just needed to get all my thoughts written out. If you have been in my shoes before and have any advice for me I would really appreciate it!

Thanks so much!

OMG!e-mail me ASAP and I will give you my number we MUST talk! ivydenise@gmail.com

Just emailed you Ivy :)

Becky - Thank you, I guess I didn't really think of contacting a lawyer at this stage, but I will start looking for one!

I do NOT plan on having the kids around when I have the talk with him, and I also don't plan on having the talk at home, I think I will try to do it in a somewhat public place.... Still trying to figure that one out.

Thanks!

First, you need to speak with an attorney so you know what your rights are in regards to your children and personal property. A good attorney will be able to advise you on this.

Then I would think about how I would want it handled if the situation were reversed. If you are concerned about any violence, do have someone with you. It'd be best if your kids were somewhere else.

Keep us posted.

..sounds like trouble and I think you know he will not give up without a huge fight.

I went to a battered women's meetup group for support and the counsellors gave me alot of good info....(don't let ex know about where you are going)

Next time, he "spanks" the children...take them to a doctor if they are hurt. You will need it for court...

and if he hurt you again...call the police for assault. The things you describe are assault....violence against woman. I hope you take extra precaution because it is not a nice place to be.

Contact the Women's centre....have a transition house phone number ready.

Pack a bag with clothes, kid's clothes, in your car for emergency. Take all your important documents along with the children's documents out of the house and keep it elsewhere....been there...done that...

And above all...know you are stronger than you think because you will need it for yourself and the children.

Dee