I am feeling so lost and am in so much pain right now. I am blaming myself for so much of what has gone wrong with my marriage that I don't know how I will get through this in one piece. We had lots of problems and issues and were both to blame plus it doesn't help that my STBX never told me he was torn between me and another woman when we got back together years ago when I got pregnant and we had our child.

But right now I am totally blaming myself for MY part and it's just about too much to bear. I am kicking myself for not losing the weight when I knew he hated seeing me so overweight, and for being frivolous with money at times, and for all the times I was snippy and b**chy at him because I was feeling extremely defensive about my weight. I know that it would be easier to focus on the things he did wrong and the deception about his relationship with the OW when we had our son, but my part isn't pretty either and it's killing me to know that I let this happen. It's killing me that I didn't try hard enough or lose the weight in order to make things better. To know that I had the chance and the power to change things, but that I didn't do it, kills me. It's a bitter, sad and lonely pill to swallow.

The worst part is that he is going to see her at the end of March and I know that is when our marriage will be officially killed off. He says he "has" to see her so that he can figure out his feelings and given that she is thin and in shape, I have no doubt they will pick up where they left off and I will be the loser. It kills me that there is nothing I can do to change things now. It is too late.

When I read your first couple of sentences, I almost felt like I was the one who wrote it. Many things throughout what you said, also relate to me and how I felt when my marriage crumbled.

In reading deeper, I get it that you (and me) have weight problems and get b**chy and are sometimes frivolous with money.

I tried to change myself as a wife. I lost weight, cut back on the bi**hyness, tried to be everything he wanted me to be. He still wouldn't stop seeing the OW, even knowing that the stress almost killed me as my health completely deteriorated.

After several months of this, I made up my mind that I was worth more than him and the w---- he was cheating with. I am gradually regaining my health, both emotional and physical.

You are worth a lot more than to have to put up with a husband who can't make up his mind. Make up your mind that you're not going to take it. Either he can leave or stay, but you will not tolerate a third party in your marriage. If he leaves, you'll be better off in the long run than you'll be if he stays and is "torn". He needs to grow up.

I understand taking responsibility for your part in the failed marriage, it's respectable, and not a lot of people do.
But I do not understand why you are going to beat yourself up over the fact that your husband can't love you because you are overweight? It is my understanding that he should love you thin or fat. Sick or healthy. Rich or poor.
I'm not even going to say that I understand weight issues, I never had them. If anything I have trouble keeping weight on ( I have Crohn's plus had issues with eating since I was a teen) it upsets me when I hear women saying that their husbands leave them because they are overweight. My Aunt is overweight and she told my Uncle that she was going to lose some weight so that she would look better for him...his reply: "Don't you dare, I love you just the way you are. If you are going to lose weight do it for you not for me. I married you not your weight"
I have another Aunt who met and married a man while she was dieting. He seen her at her heaviest and at her smallest. He got jealous because she lost weight and he gained so he started buying junk food, cooking fried food and verbally abused her ( her way of dealing with anger or sadness was to eat) She gained all her weight back plus...he left her shortly after that. He just had to destroy her self worth before he left.
Men are pigs! Let him have his skinny as a rail GF and find someone who will love you for you.
Your worth is not measured on a scale. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful just the way you are.
As for being b*tchy,well who isn't? They just call it "moody" when it's men. Sounds better to them.

Lonelyone, yes, owning your mistakes is important. Blaming yourself is different. Weight gain is NOT the cause of your marital problems. He may have told you it was, but if you had lost the weight, it would have been something else. The person you are inside is the person he should love and cherrish. If he was that hung up on what is on the outside, then is this a man you will want anyway? I mean if you really think about how shallow that is? Did he ever try to help you be healthier(by walking with you, cooking healhty meals for you, grocery shopping for you) or did he just nag? BIG difference. If he loved YOU and wanted you healthy to be around for many years, he would have helped you, not belittled you. Is that making any sense? HE is the one that is seeing another woman. He is doing this for his own selfish reasons. HE made his vows to YOU. I don't think there was anything in those vows that said "Unless you no longer look good."

I sounds as though your self-esteem is low. Many of us are having that problem for one reason or another-or a hundred reasons! If you lose that weight you do it for YOU, not for anyone else. You do it so you're around a long time for those that love YOU. You do it so you are around for your grandchildren. Had you lost the weight, nothing would have changed. That I can tell you from experience. I had lost quite a bit of weight a few years ago. I expected that would help things...I'd look good and he'd once again love me. What was I thinking? There was a LOT of hurt associated with that. I lost the weight and it didn't matter one little bit. I had to face the fact that it was ME he didn't want to be with, not just the fat me. I need to start doing more for me and for my health. I want to do this because I want to do this, not because someone told me I should do this. I'm eating healthier-have a ways to go with this. But it's a start. I also need to get more exercise. I can't join a gym, and frankly I hate to exercise. Wishing the weather would cooperate so the kids and I could bike ride or I could walk with the doge. My kids need me to be here a LONG time. That's my motivation.

I hope some of my rambling made sense to you. I have been where you are at. I totally understand. Hugs.

lonelyone, you have not failed your marriage because you did not quit your husband, he is quitting you.
There is a difference here.
As to weight, most women put on weight as they get older, people in general. The metabolism changed (slows) & it's much harder to loose weight.
IF you had said that you are obese & your doctors are concerned & you are not doing a thing about it, & your husband has been pleading & begging & do all he can to support your weight loss but you sit around & only eat all day & do nothing to change it.. well I would say then maybe there is something that you need to own in the marriage (that you care for yourself more effectively)..& even then is that something to get a divorce over? NO
I'm with the others here.. as to weight.. oh my gosh it makes me Sick when I see women blaming themselves over gained weight & failed marriage.
When I was with now EX I lost weight (& people would even laugh & say, where do you need to loose weight from... but I so wanted to please him & was doing Everything I knew how to do, even to be at my Ideal weight WHATEVER IT TOOK)& like yourself I thought it maybe would make a difference. I think he appreciated it but it made NO difference whatsoever in the end.
Bringing a 3rd party into a marrige (OW) is not the answer & is a breach of the marriage vows.
As to failure of marriage, it's a 2 way street. Either people are in or out. It is work. Just like any station in life, it takes effort & continual growth.
These guys that call themselves men (& I am speaking of men here because this is women's divorce forum but there are women that do the same) & make no effort to continually work on the growth of their marriage are selfish.
You did not quit your EX he is quitting you.
I have gone over the marriage vows in my head again & again. I kept them, EX did not.
I remember somewhere I was reading & posting & this poor younger gal was so upset because she had gained weight when she was pregnant & her husband was now having affair & she was having to take care of this baby while her ? was ..... OW, & some gal posted that if she would just loose some weight & make herself pretty that she might be able to keep him around.
OMGOSH I came unglued! My dear, you/ we are worth more than this.. I loved my husband, you love/d your husband too.. but when they do this, they breach the marriage contract. They are held accountable & by GOD. We are here for you, those that love you also, & please do NOT beat yourself up over the weight.
It is always good for us to try to be healthy but marriage is a partnership.. & does NOT hinge on someone's weight, etc. Do something nice for you.
When these guys do this, we are the one's betrayed.
not vice versa.
It helps me to say this to you, it mends a tiny bit more my heart. I am in disbelief at my EX, the sham it became & amounted to.. but we can keep loving...
they did not want our love. But we do not have to disappear.
Keep reaching out to others, don't give up on you.
We have to keep fighting to heal from the betrayal.
It takes time.

The flea, said he left for the same reason, he said he always took care of himself and I never did. The funny thing is I am loosing weight now and he is finding it. He is fatter now than when he was with me. So if it is the weight or the itchyness that made him leave, I say good luck finding some one who is always going to be the weight he wants and not itchyness I am sorry but we woman all have a itch inside of us.

lonelyone, I completely agree with the others that you cannot blame yourself and put yourself down. Really, what does it do to do that? Nothing but make you feel terrible. It is good to accept responsibility, it is a part of our life journey and growth. But it's time to close that door now. Put it down to a learning experience. Sometimes we go through these things, these people bring out the worst in us. So better he is gone, you need to be around someone that brings out the best in you. You pretty much identified things you don't like about yourself. That's OK, they don't define you. People are overweight for different reasons. If it bothers you, if you think you can change it, make a goal to get healthier. Start small, set lots of reachable goals, not one big one that feels overwhelming and impossible to reach. Same with the other things, if you feel yourself ready to say something nasty, practice stopping yourself. And for the money, if you are going to spend on something you know you shouldn't, wait a few days before buying. The need for whatever it is will likely fade.

You really, truly CAN do this. I don't think anyone could have ever self-loathed more than I did, I was a cutter and tried to kill myself (many many years ago), I mean I HATED me, we are talking extreme here. But over the years, that has changed. I think I am pretty cool now! I used to try to run from myself, now I am happy to be me. I have worked hard to change my outlook. So if I can go from so low, I know that anyone can.

First, forgive yourself. None of us is perfect, we all make mistakes.

Second, don't take all the blame. He has his share. OK, maybe you could have done things differently, but so could have he. He could have been more supportive. He should have been faithful. You may have your faults, as we all do, but he failed miserably.

Third, look forward, not backward. What is done is done. You are still here. You can still be the person you want to be. My favorite things to think about are "what would you do if you knew you could not fail", and "courage is not being without fear, it's being afraid but doing it anyway". I have taken HUGE steps in my life recently. Took crazy chances. Above all, had faith. I literally was in fetal position the other day, telling myself I was crazy, yelling to God I can NOT do this. Then I got up, did what I needed to do, and things couldn't have worked out better.

Never ever let your faith waiver. KNOW, not just believe, that all will work out fine. Pray a lot. Know God is with you always and loves you always and WANTS you to be happy. I was not raised religious, don't go to church. But I have a very strong faith, this keeps me going, makes me feel I am never alone. I know people who are afraid to do things alone. I feel I am never alone, so I am willing to take risks. It REALLY helps. Try http://www.divorcecare.org/, you can sign up for daily emails. Sometimes they give me just what I needed to hear, other times they don't apply and I just delete it, but I do get help from them.

Most of all, be good to yourself. He does not define your worth, nor does any man or relationship. Your weight doesn't define you, maybe it bothers you, but focus on all the GOOD things about you that make you awesome, that make your friends and family love you and care about you, those are the important things, not the physical. His leaving is his loss. Part-time husbands are worth nothing. Sending you hugs and peace

Oh, and remember, success is the best revenge!

Your weight should determine your husbands love for you. I've been thin then fat then average. Who you are truely inside is who he should love and you too. But I understand, I would be feeling insecure if he was seeing someone thinner or prettier than me. Was it more you being overweight or how you acted about it. Maybe if you showed self confidence it would make the choice harder. Either way you could show him it didn't bother you.

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I'm sorry that I didn't reply sooner, but please know that every reply means a lot to me and I am so very very very grateful for the help and wisdom from the women on this board. I would be lost without all of you.
Hugs to all!

Thank you all. You all addressed in your own words what I must remember. I did not quit - he did. I hung in with him at his worst. He did not truly love me. Selfish person.