Abbey, I don't mean to pry but what did you mean by "you procrastinated and now you are paying big time?' My husband told me the same thing that yours did and he took all the necessary steps and I procrastinated in getting some necessary paperwork too. I was just wondering what happened because we just started the divorce and he has been hiding everything since last February.

As for "scared to leave", I can tell you that even though it's probably the hardest thing you may ever have to do, I can tell you there is help and hope. First off, contact a domestic violence coalition in your area. They can be found online or call a hotline if you are in immediate need of assistance. They offer services to woman of abusive (emotional and financial abuse constitutes abuse) and they are usually free of charge.
Second, you do need to make copies of any documents you think are of importance i.e, tax returns, pay stubs, utility bills, bank account statements, etc. If he hides them, call the offices and banks and get statements mailed to a friend's address.
As for your mother telling you to stay, I'm sorry to be so harsh, but THAT IS CRAZY advice! I was married for 21 years but am with my husband for 30 years since I was 15 and my family begged me to leave him for the entire time. It wasn't until he tried to kill me in my sleep one night in 2008 that I started, yes I stayed even after that incident, to work on getting the strength to leave. When he saw that I was releasing his hold on me last year, he began taking all the money out of our joint accounts and closed them, returned our leased car six months early so I could not drive, refused to give me one penny for my daughter, etc. It didn't matter though, I have no money and no car and am on unemployment and I still feel like I hit lotto by not allowing him to control me anymore. Money could always be made, you need to gain your self-love, self-care and self-worth back. No one deserved to be treated with disrespect. He is a sociopath. I didn't believe it either until I started doing research online Googling "why does my husband treat me this way?" Google "sociopath and you will probably find characteristics of your husband. Just remember, you deserve nothing less than the best and it is never your fault that he treats you that way. He has the problem. Let me know what you find out. Good luck and God Bless.

Debbie, when I left we had a business, excellent credit etc etc.
I should have forced the sale of the house (he refused to take me off the mortgage), in the two years since I have left, the business is now no more (insolvent) and the mortgage people are talking about repossession. If this happens i will be in debt for around £200,000. I maxed my credit cards out (solicitors and trying to make ends meet) and I am in it up to my eyeballs. I work full time, earn well but my outgoings are exceeding my incoming. Thanks to the business being run into the ground (literally) I now have no child maintanence either. Im pretty much sc*****.

I procrastinated because I would feel so guilty because he didnt want the divorce. he would tell me Im just throwing money away on solicitors when we could just sort it out between us. LOLS!

I spent months trying to work everything amicably (my solicitor thought I was nuts) but I couldnt take the tears and add to them by taking him to court to make him sell.

Now its all pretty too much too late. I can save the house if I move back in kind of.

I havent enough to rent my own place independantly as I was doing. So I am in a really bad situation at present simply because I didnt take the legal advice given.

I remember having mediation one day and my ex went to the loo. She told me 'you need to make decisions now that are not based on your emotions'.

That was the best piece of advice given to me, if only Id listened and acted.

But you know what, I still have my self respect and thats priceless.

My conscience is clear at night....dont know about his!

Seems to me that while we are floundering in an emotional abyss, they are still talking to accountants and wriggling around a lot. Ducking and diving. Next thing we know, we've been out manouvered.

The one positive with mine is that in order to take me down my ex had to lose everything in the process, so I guess it depends on how far they are willing to go to make you pay for daring to leave. Hopefully the majority of ex's are not that bloody minded.

Hi Abbey

If it was me, I would go after the house. I don't know if you are divorce already, but try to remove ex from the legal title of the home. Then, refinance or talk to your bank. If you get a good banker, they will find a way for you to pay down the mortgage without repossession.

Once you have the house, you will save on rent. Then work out a plan to pay down the credit card. The same bank can give you a bank loan to pay off the credit card....once that is done, then pay down the bank loan. Credit cards are good but the interest will hurt you in the end. Bank loan interest are much lower.

Your ex will do what he will to bring you down but if you have a good team then you should do fine.

With the house, you can always rent out a room for extra income too....

Dee

I think you have to ask yourself whether it would be easier and better if you left and whether it would be easier if you stayed. I am thinking that it isn't time yet...perhaps in the future. How will you support yourself? What will his reaction be if you left?

Can you find a job or a part time job now and once you have funds, start to leave?...

As for the emotional abuse, make sure it doesn't deteriorate into physical abuse. If it is emotional, then you can go for counselling to remove the effects.

These are questions only you can answer because you know him best.

Hi Dee

divorced final since July. Bank will not remove either of us from mortgage now because it has gone too far, they would rather have two people responsible than one.
I have written to credit cards through an agency explaining my situation, I have offered low payments until my situation changes. That would have been a great help when child support was coming in but now it isnt Im in more or less the same situation.

Im trying to decide what to do for the best, it takes up a lot of my time trying to figure it all out. thanks for the advice

Banks make this situation extremely difficult. How hard have you pushed them? I need to get the title in my name and have no way to get his signature for removal since he abandoned his life and is "missing". I was determined and stayed on the phone until I got to a level of Customer Service that could help me. There are ways they can do this but they get tons of calls everyday so they are taught to give the "standard" answer and hope you will go away. It's a big waste of time but they are bound to certain regulations and this weeds out all of the people who are just fighting one day and love birds the next.

Go to the bank.
See if you are a joint owner on any accounts.
Simply present identification and use the phrase, "I would like to see if I have any accounts here."

If you are a joint owner on the account then you can withdraw money without the other party's permission.

Just a thought.

Get out of there as fast as you can, it's called a Leap of Faith. What you won't or haven't done for yourself, do for your children, the most important people in this clip. Trust God, that is really all you have to do. Why pray if you are going to worry and why worry if you are going to pray? I'm just saying . . . . .

Hi Im in the same boat as you and my mom also told me to stick it out cause eventually everyone gets fedup and also if you leave then and find out that he is involved with someone else and moving on you will be able to handle it much better, and trust me parents always see futher in the future, cause your mom might also be worried that you might end up being very depressed and neglecting your child in the process if he moves on with his life and you havent. My husband is verbally abusive every single day of stupid things and he looks for something to vent about, for ten years now he havent lifted a finger towards me so lucky me no physical abuse and that I wont allow cause the minute he do anything of that sort I will end everything immediately, so I dont know if your husband is physically abusive but if yes I would say get out, not that verbal abuse is fine dont get me wrong cause verbal abuse is bad for both you and your kids but just hang in their and wait till you emotionally strong enough to leave.