I agree with Abbey. Your sexuality is very much dependent on your relationship with your partner and also your emotional feelings toward him and the relationship at the time. I know that one area where my husband and I always had a very strong connection was in the bedroom. But the situation between us has made me doubt even that connection along with everything else. We have been living together and continued with that part of our relationship despite the situation. (his girlfreind is on the other side of the country so he doesn't see her often and I enjoy the comfort I get from being in his arms). There is definately a difference in my response if we've been arguing or if things have been relatively calm between us. I understand your concern, I am worried about a new partner too, especially at my age of 53. But,I think you will probably be fine when the time comes.LIXA

Thank you for giving me permission to share my concerns. Some of it is too embarrassing to talk about with anyone I know personally.

First off I guess frigid was probably the wrong word. I do enjoy sex. My ex was constantly telling me our sexual problems were my fault. Therein lie my insecurities.

Here are the facts:
My father sexually abused me when I was a teenager. I went through a lot of counseling during our marriage to come to terms with it. However I do wonder if it has given me an unhealthy view that sex should be only when BOTH people involved want it. My Ex was once given a book to help him understand what someone who has been abused deals with but never bothered to read it.

My first husband left me for another woman after 3 years. My current Ex once threw that in my face. No regard for the fact that ex #1 really mostly needed someone more insecure then he was.

My EX suffered from EDD (lasted 5 minutes) our entire marriage. Despite his words otherwise it did make me feel sexual unattractive to him.

For years my ex would get have sex with me will I was asleep. Things would be over before I fully woke up. No enjoyment for me there. When I finally got a counselor to tell him that this was WRONG he stopped but I never felt like he forgave me for taking that away from him.

With at least 2 kids (sometimes 4), working full time and taking care of most of the housework I wasn t in the mood but every week and a half to two weeks. Spent most of our 19 years never really getting in the mood because that was not often enough for my EX.

My requests for a little romance were ignored. Was it too much to ask to be taken out occasionally? I finally gave up asking for foot or back rubs because his attitude was it HAD to be a prelude to sex.

I did try to perk up our sex life at times (books, sexy underwear/lingerie, quickies at lunchtime because he worked a lot of nights, pulling off on an untraveled side road). His only suggestions for a more interesting sex life were turn off for me (up the hiney or being peed on). Am I the only woman that has a problem with this?

I once had a boyfriend that only had to breath to turn me on. Now I m so afraid I will never have a good sexual relationship with another man because I am unwilling to deal with that kind of attitude again.

Thanks for letting me get all of this finally off my chest.

Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Your ex sounds like mine. Always ready to go, never cared if I was. If I didn't give him sex when he wanted it he acted like a child. He would tell me we needed to "spice" things up a bit. His idea of "spice" was toys, the "hiney" or in public places. My idea of spicing things up is to actually romance me, make me feel like I was the only thing he needed ( not toys or weirdness) Sex for us or should I say me became more of a chore. A chore that made me want to vomit.
If you don't enjoy sex with your spouse or if you dread it then there is something wrong. Not something wrong with you but something wrong with your relationship. As we all know a relationship takes 2 people.
I told my ex one time to just leave the money on the night stand and go sleep on the couch. I figured if the only reason he was there was to get himself off then he could sleep else where. I used to wear layers to bed so that he wouldn't touch me. I too have woke up in the middle of sex...one time and that was the last time. I told him that if he ever touched my body again while I was sleeping I would cut his jimmy right off. I said this with a knife in my hand, the one I slept with under my pillow when he worked away.
I used to enjoy sex but it makes me physically sick to think of ever having sex with my ex again.

eww, if these posts make you sexually frigid then I am an iceberg! Yuck! Really? In the umm...backside... or while you are sleeping...??? BLAH!!
My stbx is trying to get back with me now. We were a little close the other day, thought it was going to happen, but just couldn't. He didn't pressure me. Lisa H I'm with you, if anyone tried anything like that on me, ya, cut it off! Not wanting someone to use you and abuse you and be generally nasty is NOT being frigid! Of course you should both want it, otherwise what's the point? We are not cave people trying to preserve our species! I am sure you will be fine. I also have abuse in my past. I don't think I would be unable to...I just don't WANT to. I feel...my body...my space...you want to be close to me, I'd da*n well better trust you! Right now I don't want him or anyone and don't see myself ever wanting anyone. I don't think that makes me frigid, it makes me self-protective. i think when we are hurt we build barriers around us. But if someone really amazing comes along maybe, MAYBE, those barriers can come down. if not, oh well. We are still human we are still good. Look at nuns, they never do "it", do you think them not human? No, they just made a choice. So seeing your worth,only letting someone worthy of you have you...that's not frigid, that's called self-respect.

So glad to hear Jerk isn't the only sick one out there. The beginning of the end came what seems like a zillion years ago when I came unglued because he was waking me up for sex. I had a baby and a toddler, was working full time and had another parttime job and he thought he'd wake me for sex. Don't think we ever had a decent intimate moment after that. He was not in control, and he doesn't like that. Poor baby...

frigid is just another one of those numerous hurtful words they know will go right to our core when truely THEY are the ones with the sick sexual needs.

I think sex for women starts in the mind.

I used to feel really in the mood having thought about it and would plan to have a wild passionate night with my hubby.
He would walk through the door and within minutes would say/grunt something that would leave me standing cold.

How many women have had sex for the physical need but been totally unable to kiss their partner, as if it was just too personal?

If anyone tried to have sex while I was asleep they would really regret it.

Two people should want to have sex, if not, then it shouldnt be happening, simple as.

I am quite highly sexed, I enjoy sex but for me there has to be an emotional connection.If there is something wrong with the relationship my sex drive goes out of the window.
My ex was quite quick. Told me it was because I turned him on so much so I should take it as a compliment. Hmmmm (yeah I know).
So my last partner could make love for hours, should I take that as an insult????? And it was fabulous. Kissing included.

NEVER have sex when you dont want to, it is a two way participation or not at all. Never compromise.

I live by the saying 'if it's all alright downstairs, itll be fine upstairs'.

I have been told I am frigid, the truth was, the man didnt just not turn me on he totally turned me off.

I have never been and never will be frigid. If they say you are, you need to be asking them 'then what arent you doing right?'.

Love the "THEN WHAT AREN'T YOU DOING RIGHT"