I know you still fighting to save your marriage, but I wonder why put yourself through the pain? I have a cheating STBX and I fought for the first few weeks after he left, then I found out he was cheating. No more fighting for a lying snake to come back. It is devastating when there is that much time involved. With me it's nearly 30 years. No inkling of problem. Just out of the blue he was leaving. Found the little tramp somewhere and he was outta here. It hurts like hell most days. Everywhere I look is something I could turn into a memory. Some days I do it, and some days I fight it and won't allow myself to let my mind go that way. You are an amazing woman. A mom and a grandma that deserve so much better than the treatment you are getting. That's what keeps me going most days. My girls and My God. My little grand daughter, Khloe and the new baby to come. Look for the positive in your life. Let go of the negative. (Like the selfish pig that continues to hurt you.) I know it's easier said than done. I struggle every day. It's not even been 3 months yet for me. But once in a while I am blessed with a good day, and when the bad ones come, I hang on to God and wait for the next good one. I hope that you can find peace somehow and maybe a big boot to kick the selfish idiot in the behind someday soon.

His actions are selfish. Is this really a life you want? I've been separated for 11 months, and I am continuously realizing just how selfish Jerk is and how much I gave up for him. I'm at the point now where I don't WANT those memories. If they do ooze their way into my brain it only causes me more pain. I see the good memories as lies, because how could Jerk tell me he loved me and would be there forever then be so selfish? I don't trust that the good memories are even real. Hang in there. It hurts like he77. I know you are fighting for your marriage, as I fought for mine long after it was really over. If I could do it over again I'd have let him go when he first told me he wanted to. Those years of clinging were the worst. Now I have hope for the future.

Hi Alone,

I know it hurts to have what your husband is doing to you, This is a very raw time in your life right now and he is either doing one of two things...he is either trying to get you emotionally unsettled knowing what the shirt will do or he is just so into himself that your memories are not his special memories and he is completely oblivious to his actions and heartless as well.

Either way, I promise it will get so much better when you heal. I had an ex who did the same thing and now that I look back I can see so clearly. He took this other girl to all the places we went, did all the things he did with me and the boys and even went so far as to get the boys to any movie, new place etc...before I could take a second breath.

Why? because he was an insecure, selfish, needy, shallow man. This woman may have gone to all our firsts...an tried to make them her firsts....but really, they would always be HIS seconds. My ex wanted to experience everything over in his life as first again so he did it through someone else's eyes, but it is not the same as a first kiss, the sight of your first child, the first....etc....She can in no way steal your memories. She can make her own with shabby seconds and live them out with a lying cheater whether she wants to admit that to herself or not will in no way effect the pure memories you have stored in your own heart. She did not get a brand new man... she got your leftovers and never forget that.

In time those memories will not hurt you when you look back on that part of your life. You will have healed and can move on, but no one says you have to give up your memories....you have memories of when you were a child...you are no longer a child, but you can still look on those memories as yours. I have good memories with my ex. There are things I will always remember and think about at times, but I also have a future with new memories to make and store up with the past ones.

Don't let two people spoil your own life memories. They can counterfeit them as my ex and his girlfriend do. But she will never have or know what you had. I know I would not want to relive someones wife's life because they were going through some mid life crisis or just had no heart for their wife's feelings. These people cheat,steal and then live in a dream world that nothing they did matters and life goes on...but don't let that spoil who you are and new memories you can make. Sometimes you just have to let the memories go for a while... while you heal...put them to sleep until you are strong and healed and can enjoy them once again in a pure way, a true way and an honest way...these people cheat and lie, but the sad part is they cheat and lie to themselves to enjoy what they have taken....let it go, heal....then enjoy YOU and YOUR memories again.

Susan

Susan, you are soooo good with words. I always enjoy reading your posts.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am going through a similar experience and I can't let go either. "He" is leaving at the end of next week on a 10 day "vacation" where he will travel almost 1000 miles to visit his very sick mom AND the OW who lives two hours from his mom. I am sick and heartbroken about it and am dreading the day he leaves because to me it represents the end of our marriage. The other night I lost it and broke several pictures frames with family photos that were on his dresser that I had given him for many Christmases past. Those pictures represented so many happy times and sweet memories, but now all they represent are broken dreams. I know how you feel because this house and everything in it reminds me of him and our life. I collect antiques and he and I have bought many things for our home together. There is not a thing in this house that doesn't remind me of him. But now I want to get rid of it all because all of it means nothing if he is not here. Collecting has been a huge passion and obsession in my life for a very long time, and I am surprised that I feel this way now.

I wish I had sage and wise advice for you, but I don't. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Sending Big Hugs to you.

Thank you all for your thoughts. It does help to know that others are going through the same things. Susan, Thank you for understanding that I can't bear to lose those memories, along with thousands of others. I NEED to know that someday I will be able to look back with happy thoughts of this man who has been the biggest part of my life for 32 years. I know of course that I can't control him or his thinking but I just wish I could know that he will remember me to. That he will think of me and remember the happy times and not the recent ones that usually feature me crying or otherwise acting in a way that is not me at all. I love him so much and gave him everything I could. I have no idea why I am "not enough". It hurts so badly but I will try hard to believe that I will get past this with my thoughts of him still good ones.