I knew it would come, its my husbands birthday tomorrow. We are still talking and are quite amicable, but I sent him an email to see if I could drop his present off to him tomorrow. Received an email back to say he is going away tonight and is away for 4 nights. No details given as this is what I do to him. Now I know how much it hurts to be left wondering what the other person is doing or who they are with. I know he has left, but I do still hope and pray to God he will come home. Its now been 11 mths since he walked out. Why does this hurt so much. Why do I even care!!!!! because love just doesn't go away after 21yrs, well not for me anyway. This is the first time in 21 yrs I have not been with him for his birthday. Its eating me alive and I hate it!

Dear Jo, Are you divorced yet? I was so saddened by this post. I am so afraid of grieving for so long as you have done. Do we not get some kind of closure eventually? I just feel kinda numb at this point. Got the appraisal on our home yesterday. I was praying it would be low as I'm going to keep the house.(Thank God it is now paid for) The bad news is I have to give him 185,000 for his half. We also own a commercial building where his business is based. We own one half and his uncle who used to be his partner (he has retired now) owns one half so my share of the building is one fourth. I don't think that is going to be enough to off set the house. This means I'll have to take the value of other assets to give him. It seems like alot until you divide it in half. All in all my standard of living is going to improve alot! He is extremely controlling of the money. I was not on any of the accounts or credit card. He had a tight hold on everything. He gave me just 50 a week for my personal expenses. So this is going to give me a whole lot more money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do we end up like this ladies. 37 years I've been married to this man and this is how it ends. It hurts it really hurts!!!! I really want someone to care about me and to love me. So once again you have done this for 11 months now. That seems like forever to suffer like this. I remember having my first baby and thinking I can't do this and suffer for hours. Thank God I had a short labor!!! I was so hoping it would be like that. Maybe very painful but not that long. This whole process is so over whelming to deal with. It takes six months to get a divorce in my state. I'm only into it by one month now. I feel exhausted by it already. This is alot of stress to divide up everything. We are still residing together. Some days rather most days there are no words spoken between us at all. This is so darn difficult to live this way. I don't want to ask him to move because as far as I know he is still paying most of the household expenses. Can't go forward and can't go backwards either. Inertia! God I need something good to come into my life soon. I guess time will tell. I hope this all gets better for you. It sounds like your heart hasn't caught up to what your head knows. Sounds like it is pretty much over. I pray you can come to peace with this and no longer feel the empty pain in your heart we all feel.

I sure know what you are feeling. You can't just turn off all the years you had together. For me it is 34 years and I am still looking out the door hoping to see his car pull up in the driveway. I know he is not with the girlfriend anymore because she kicked him out when she found out he was still seeing me, well more than just seeing me but that is a long story. So for the first time in his life he is alone and has no one to go home to and no one to tell all his problems to. So I like you am praying he wants to come home and be with me.
I hope things work out for you and he comes back if it is going to be right for you.

I feel for you. WK and I were together almost 20 years, and we've known each other longer than he and the Beast will ever know each other. She's got one foot out the door already, and he will be alone, with four teenagers to look after (it isn't as though he's a single parent, but he'll be the only one "on-site" - not, mind you, that the Beast is ANY sort of a parent to MY kids, and not much of one to her own spawn).

I have to keep telling myself "Not your problem, not your problem, let it go!" But, of course, there's that little bitty part of me that's doing the Dance of Joy... because I know what she will pull on him when she does finally decide to bail on him. She'll pull out the 'Abuse' card...and the 'I never felt valued' card...and of course, it'll all be lies, because all she says on her FB is how much she loooooves him, and how happy she is.

Jo you are more forgiving than I am. My husband of nearly 30 years walked out on me 3 days after Christmas. His birthday was February 4 and I didn't even send him a happy birthday text, never mind a present. He is still with the skank he left me for. Waiting to get house prepared to sell to finish divorce papers. I hate him and yet have this stupid little glimmer that he will get tossed by her and realize what he left behind. I think that is what keeps me from moving forward. The days I feel I am so done with him, and plan in my head my new life, I am so strong. But the days I let that little spot of maybe into my head, I end up a mess. I know this, but I can't seem to stop it.

Hi Jo - I can relate to how you feel. It has been 8 months for me and I still get sad. I know it is over in my head but, in my heart I can't believe it. We were together for 15 years.

As for the birthday - my came and went and no acknowledgement from him. And it kills my because his in a few weeks. I have no intention of acknowledging it because he just walked away and wrote me off.

Of course he is so pleasant to me when we need to discuss things about the divorce. He acts like nothing has happened and shows no emotion. It amazes me.

Hang in there! I keep telling myself it will get better. It has to right.

In my case it has been a yr I threw him out and it still hurts, but it doesn't hurt for love, it hurts because of the day to day struggle. I don't think I could live with him anymore I just want not to struggle to be able to move on. Good luck ladies I think with time we will all be ok. One day at a time and soon those SOB will be out of lives, heads, and hearts.

I understand the pain all of you are in. I am there to. ctwc - it has to get better doesn't it? I do not think it could possibly get worse. Barb, does the new life you plan on your strong days include a new love? I am so, so afraid that I will end up alone, but on the other hand I do not know if I will ever want to put my heart out there to be torn into shreds again. That is if it ever heals. Ladyrb you are so right in hoping that our men will one day be out of our lives, our heads, and our hearts. That is probably what we need. But what can I do when I don't want him out of my heart. He has broken every dream I ever had and very nearly broken me. But just tonight we sat watching tv together and I looked across the room and cried because I cannot imagine him not being there. I just want him back. (and for those who are wondering, this is love not co-dependency. My therapist says that I am very healthy, I love the man with all my heart even after all the damage he has done.)

Alone, sometimes I think about finding a guy for a friend. If it would turn into something way later, it would. I am like you, scared to death of being hurt again. I don't feel strong love for him anymore. I hurt for the dream of my life and what it was to be with an intact family. But him looking for and leaving for another woman has removed the largest part of the love. I lived for this man. It was awful. My life revolved around him. He had no reason to look elsewhere, except the desire for something new and exciting. I also am afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I am 54, so you factor in time to heal and I am not sure how that will work out. At least later on I would like to find someone as a friend. Just so I didn't feel so alone. I have 2 daughters who live here and a grand daughter and one on the way, so my family will keep me busy. But I agree with someday wanting a good guy. Someday. . .

At 53 I feel so torn. Of course, I need time to heal. I would never want to rush into anything. But I also cannot imagine ever being completely fullfilled and happy as a woman without someone to love and to get that love back from him. Of course , I have my children but we all know that is not at all the same kind of love. They have lives of their own, as it should be. I want someone to share MY life with. I can't help but feel that my time to find another love is limited. And who knows how many losers I will have to meet to find a good man, if I ever do. I can't halp but think that all the good men in my age range are staying with their loving lives, working things out if they have problems, at least admitting to being unhappy so that the marriage can be worked on. All the respectful, caring things that I did not get from my husband. I deserved a chance. That much I know.

Hi Alone - I know it will get better but, it is just such
a long journey. And I don't think I will ever be that same person I was before all of this and that's OK. My therapist tells she has already noticed a change in me since my first visit.

I agree with you about not wanting to be alone but, I can't imagine falling in love again. It is a double edge sword and a no win either way. But, who knows what the future holds for anyone one of us. None us imagined being in our current situation. So, I tell myself my new life will be adventure of the unknown.

Jo, I am so sorry for your pain. It is for all the good times, the birthdays, the holidays, that we ladies here on this board are grieving. I think it hurts more because our husbands do not seem to grieve or care about what was left behind or the years of memories. My H has a birthday two days after he is due back from his trip to see the OW. I find it odd that he did not take more time off so that he could stay longer to be with the her on his special day. I doubt he will want to share it with me or our son at this point. I have not bought him a present and doubt I will. I still love him, but I am done with giving him opportunities to hurt me, so I will not put myself out to give him a present just to be rejected.

Please know you are not alone. Big hugs to you!

Lonelyone, I'm proud of you. You have gained so much strength in the last few weeks. Hang in there. Hugs.