It has been 11 years of a good marriage,like all marriage we have our ups and downs, from the outside it looked like we were the perfect couple. However over the years there have been problems that have arisen and never completely been resolved I fell into a depression and two months ago I had a mental break down. two days I ended up with a restraining order on me. thought in the vows it was for better or worse. Well I hit my worse and I get a restraining order. I just don't get it. I will admit it I lost it the night I left but it didn't have to be like this and now I wonder if the choice I made was the right one.I'm done pretending I'm happy. I'm done laughing when all I want to do is cry. I'm done pretending I'm not hurting. I'm broken with nothing left to give. How do I get past this part my friends have listened to me a thousand times and they are great. anybody else out there that can help cause this is killing me..I try to find other peopl to fill the void but it just isn't working. I miss him and have unanswered questions. thought this would be easy I was wrong

I think we have all questioned the choice we have made during some parts of the grieving process. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever go through. It's good you are keeping yourself busy, and you are lucky to have good friends. You won't be able to fill that void, but you will, in time, find that that void gets smaller and smaller. This website has been a lifeline for many of us. There are AMAZING ladies here. Hang in there.

This sounds really serious to me. DO NOT VIOLATE THE RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you are currently under a doctors care for your depression issues. Are you taking any medications to help you? Have you gotten a lawyer to help you on this matter. You did not mention children so I hope you don't have that to deal with as well. This is tough I not a legal expert but you might have to wait for him to make the first move as far as direct communication goes. You might check anger management classes. I think your going to have to go through an attorney to communicate at this point. You do not want to go to jail for Gods sake. You do not want any other issues against you. I hope I don't sound judgemental that is not my intention. This is the time to get yourself healthy first. You need to concentrate all your efforts into your recovering from this breakdown. He probably has to have some time to sort this out as well. He probably misses you as well if there weren't major problems in the marriage. This is the time for doctors and lawyers. We are in your corner hoping this gets alot better for you soon. But once again DO NOT VIOLATE THE RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!!!!

OH trust me I won't violate the restraining order, I know it is all about control. It has actually been a blessing in disguise because it is forcing me to become a stronger more independent person. I am just battling with the whys when I had put up with so much from him and never once went to such extremes. As for help, I am doing lots better I have actually been able to get off my antidepressants in the last two months of being separated. I still have my anxiety pills to help shut my mind down at night. Thanks for sharing all your information.
Bekah

I was married 11 years. I won't go as far to say they are perfect but to everyone else they were. I too laughed when I wanted to cry. I too smile when I wanted to scream. I took a lot of crap from my husband and finally one day I snapped. I remember that night like it was yesterday. He had just come home from Germany I think he was home for less than two weeks. The thought of him touching me made me ill. I had just put the kids to bed. I was sitting on one side of the couch, him on the other. I was just looking at him. He turned and asked me what was wrong and like I always do I answered "Nothing" Why even bother to tell him, he never listened anyway? HE turned and started watching the baseball game again without a word. For some reason that made me see red. I looked at him and said "Ya know what there is something wrong. I'm tired of this, I'm tired of sitting here with a smile and pretending everything is okay" I went off on a 20 minute speech with out giving him a chance to say a word. I listed everything I was upset about, every moment where he let me down and so on. So I got it all off my chest and his words.."There's someone else isn't there"
Dipsh*t ! I just got done listing all the reasons I wanted him to go and he didn't hear a word of it. He couldn't understand that I was leaving him because of HIM not because I wanted anyone else but because he lacked what I needed in a husband, a friend and a lover.
You can only hid so much in the hall closet before the door won't shut. Then you either have to take it out and throw it away or you start stuffing it under the sink.
Maybe you like me was ready to do some "spring cleaning" I couldn't hid another feeling inside, I was bursting with unhappiness and was DONE! I let it all out in one sitting and although I look back and see that there might have been another way of doing it I got the job done. I said my peace and now I don't have to listen to him, I don't have to take his crap and most of all I have room in my head and my heart. It was like I could breath again.
It will get easier, you will doubt yourself a little less every day.

The ladies in this chat room are right. Its time to start thinking about yourself. I do understand how you feel. There were days when I felt like I couldn't take it one more second. I would tell myself I wouldn't call him anymore or drive by his apartment but I would give into the pain and call or text him or drive by in the middle of the night trying to see if anyone was there with him.

It didn't begin to get better until I started reading what the women in this chat room were writing. I saw that they were pulling themselves and their children through this. They talked about writing, crying, hanging onto their faith, their strong moments, weak moments, finding their anger and strength in that anger and I began to see that it is about me - not about him. He is going to do whatever he wants. I can't control that. I can only heal myself.

Another woman said something along the lines about are you holding on to your husband because you love him or are you holding on to the dream of your marriage and what you thought it would be? When I read that I thought its time to build a new dream.

I found this chat room in desperation. I was looking for anything that would get me through my pain. I couldn't call my family because I I knew they would panic that I was in such desperate straits. I went through read every article here even the old ones. By the time I was done, I thought, okay I can get through this, these other women are surviving.

It's been almost 3 months and I still have rough moments but I am beginning to see a life without him. I am beginning to enjoy activities and make friends that don't include him.

You deserve to be happy. Once you begin to focus on taking care of yourself instead of thinking about him, the pain will become bearable.

Dear Teresa, Your post was actually lovely. It was a message of pure courage and hope for all of us to benefit from. I can only thank you on this day that I am having a hard time with everything. It was a light for me in this terrible darkness I feel. Once again THANK YOU!

Teresa you are so right. It is all about me, I have made friends that have nothing to do with him. They know of him but they don't like him. Those are my friends. Thank You Teresa. I think you talked for a lot of us ladies here.

Bekah, Teresa said it all. We all had a rough time at the start. It does get better. And the women on this forum helped give me courage to stand up for a new dream of a new life for ME! Hold on, and we will be here for you.

Thank you, for sharing this information with me. It has been almost two months since we have been separated. I thought I was doing ok and then all of a sudden I just started missing him and like you said I am not sure if I miss him or the dreams we were suppose to have. I am thankful to find this sight It has been helpful so far.
Bekah