So I got the divorce papers yesterday. A really hard day. Took them to my attorney too look over them. I am grateful that he is looking out for me and what is best. Too bad the judges seem to be more or less on the side of these lousy men. Just a warning for those of you still in the process. I was told that usually a judge would rule for 4 or 5 years of support ordinarily in a case like mine. But now, with the 401K cash coming into play, they seem to think that we should use that for survival or whatever instead of making the men pay support. My attorney represents a woman with pretty much the same situation as me. She was not offered any support, so she went to court to fight for it. The judge ruled that since she got half the 401K that she didn't need support. It's on appeal, but how ridiculous is that?! Most of us have been mostly moms who maybe worked part time. We were not professional women with retirement plans of our own. I am sure this woman, like me, planned on rolling that money into a roth ira or something to help her with her retirement years. This is just BS. So my attorney says, I can try to get you more--cheating bast*** has offered one year of 1000 a month, which is way more that I need per month---but with the judge ruling he is dealing with now, and an appeal that may or may not work, do I want to spend the money. And with another woman in the picture, I will be lucky if he even honors the one year. I may have to take him for contempt of court for not paying.

So, since the 401K can be taken and used for other purposes without a penalty when it is split for divorce, I may put a small amount aside for emergencies, and roll the rest into an ira. I am hoping that the house will sell, and I can take my part of the equity and buy a small condo since that will be cheaper than rent.

I really can't complain. Most of you ladies have it much worse than I do. I have no children at home. Just me and my cat. I am only working part time for now, because of the economy, but if that doesn't pick up, I can work evenings a couple days a week and get by.

Beyond seeing your names on the papers,I really think the worst part of the papers was the explanation of why. I knew it was going to be just irreconcilable differences. He wouldn't admit to cheating. But the wording was awful. "Since the marriage and for some time prior to filing this action" So he is saying the whole marriage from the beginning? And then that isn't enough, the stupid b-word of an attorney he has adds another sentence: These differences are substantial and have completely destroyed the legitimate objectives of marriage. Did anyone else get such hate filled wording, or am I just over reacting? I could see simply stating irreconcilable differences since he certainly wouldn't admit the truth. I thought it was harsh.

So one bad step done. Now we reply. And more paperwork. I hate this.

When I received the papers and went over them with my first attorney (the one I later fired), he explained to me that if you don't make it sound pretty bad there's a CHANCE (though a very small one) that the judge wouldn't grant the divorce. So they put all this BS in it to make it look good. I added extreme emotional cruelty to mine when I responded. Jerk didn't find it nearly as funy as I did.

Oh Barb, I know how those words on the papers must hurt. I have been struggling, even without papers, with the thought that our life together was a 32 year long lie. Realistically, I know that we had many years when I am sure he was as happy as I was. But there is still the question of just when it all became a lie for him. He says he doesn't know, that he never knew he was unhappy until he saw the OW. (am I the only one who thinks his whole new relationship is a fantasy, something based on something that is not reality?) I have no advice, but I want you to know that I feel for you. You are not alone in this. I hope and pray that we will all find whatever we want most in the near future.

You know I am tried of judges excuses to abuse of women is because everyone is divorced today... I am looking at the same cruelty on my divorce & afraid to go to court also because these judges always seem to fry us & pat these bs on the back for adultery...What happen to making it so hard these men didn't want to walk out on their wives...I am afraid I am going to get fried in my divorce & I am 46 yr old never worked or been on my on before...Not only am I & the kids being thrown out for the mistress I have to face life like a 18 yr old just getting out of college...What life do I have at a successful job at 46 & no degree or work experience...A life of luxury to a future of struggle so the bs can still live his life style with his mistress & her kids...Sorry for venting but have been very angry with the bs offer this week for me to walk so he can begin his new life.

Wow Dixie I really am sorry for your situation. Do you have a lawyer? I don't know the state you live in but I'd say he is going to have to pay plenty!!!!! You were a SAHM all these years. I think your going to fair alot better than you think in court. Don't bargin with this snake. If you have a lawyer that's there job. In my state it is usually half the length of marriage for spousal support. Others on this site have just realized you have to claim spousal support and pay taxes on it. Child support you don't. I would think about how old the kids are? Maybe the OW won't be so interested when you get done getting yours. Don't let him try and bully you. How many women are worn down and give away the farm on these things. Get strong and go for anything and everything you are intitled to!!!!!!

Hi Barb - I will also be receiving a portion of my stbx's 401K once the divorce is finalized. However, I have to have it rolled into my 401K to avoid any tax liabilities so I have been told. I know you mentioned in your post about there being no penalty when it split for divorce. I wanted to ask you more about that if you don't mind. I could really use a portion of it to payoff my credit card debt. I just have one and the payment is manageable but it would take a few years to pay it off and this is paying more the minimum payment. I didn't mean to get off topic there. Any way I just wanted to pick your brain again if you don't mind. Thanks - C

I discovered that I will, for sure, get 1/2 of WK's retirement. If he gets disability (SSDI), I'll receive half of that as well. Won't that just frost his backside.

ctwc, my attorney told me that there is special rules when you divide up 401K money and pension money. He had an acronym for it, but I forget what it is. But anyway, he said you can take some of it without penalty. I imagine we would have to count it as income on our taxes. I have to check on that for sure. My brother told me the same thing, and his son is a finance major that works in a bank, so there is another opinion. I imagine it is a federal law, not a state one, but you might need to ask someone for sure. hope that helps

I will thanks so much Barb!

I am so sorry to hear what is happening in your divorce. I was lucky, if you can call any of this lucky, my ex wanted to be with the OW so bad he would sign anything also my lawyer was a woman and she had been cheated on and divorced also. She was the best one to have because she knew exactly how I felt.
I get my full allamoney until I can officially retire at 65 and then he still have to pay me half of his military retirement. He also has to pay for my medical insurance and dental insurance....for ever!!! After he read the papers he was really mad that the following line was in there: even if Bridget gets remarried Cliff will continue to pay spousal support" He said thats not right so all I had to do was say, "Ok lets start the paperwork all oveer again" He said no I will sign them. I would love to fall in love with a great guy and send the ex an invitation with a little reminder that my new husband and I will be using his spousal support money to take nice vacations with.
I just want to see him suffer even a small fraction of what he has put me through this last year.
Good luck with your divorce and I hope the judge sees the light and gives you your fair share.
Bridget

Bridget, how did you get it in your divorce paper that he has to pay for your medical insurance? That is my big worry, when the papers are final I will be out of medical insurance and I have a serious illness which will leave me high and dry. One treatment is over 7000 and I have them every 8 weeks.....
Oh and his Arm,y retirement? My ex receives a Medical Retirement from the Army and I am hitting a road block on that as well...