Please see a therapist. You sound like you are suffering from clinical depression. Your situation is truely grave I realize that. How are you living at this time financially? Is he paying everything? Is your daughter a minor child? You have so many things caving in on you at this time. I love the post which advises us to take control of something which we can actually have control over and conquer that one thing. What we are suffering ladies is like being stripped of everything that makes our lives work. Is there OW? Did you ask him to leave or did he just leave? I hate how a fairly decent man somehow gets so mean and hateful even when they are the ones that destroyed the marriage. It's as if they smell blood and zero in for the kill. When my first husband and I seperated I was pregnant and so depressed they hospitalized me for 3 days. I had lost so much weight was exhausted and dehydrated. I wanted to die just like you do. My grandmother came and visited me in the hospital and told me that she promised me in 5 years I would be happy and not want to go back with my husband ever again. She told me look forward not backwards. Once I had the baby I could get out with other young people go back to work and life got better and better just as she said. My baby was about 6 months old when I meet my current husband of 37 years. I got a divorce and we were married 1 yr. later. I won't lie to you it took sometime for me to realize I did not want to be married to my first husband any longer. I eventually feel deeply in love with my husband. Those were the best years the years when you have to struggle and work together to build your lives. I would go back there in a minute and take another path when the problems began. Here I am today 62 very miserable and not understanding WHY. I guess as they say misery loves company! Please realize that you to will look back in 5 years and realize you are happy and would never go back to your husband. I am praying so hard for you! We all care!

I can so sympathize with the poster of this message. The sound of your desperation. Your exhaustion, your unblief that this could possibly be happening to YOU. I read your post and just wanted to reach out and hug you. I wish I knew why this was happening to you. I don't know why it happened to me.

You sound like me seven years ago. I thought I was dying the most slow and painful death. I didnt think anyone understood, which made me angry. People said things that made me angrier.......i.e. you are better off without him, move on. For crying out loud, I was madly in love with the person who I trusted most and now this person, I did not know. It made, it makes nno sense. I was trying to sort it out. But, they will never tell you everything, never tell you the truth. Are you thinking the same thing's NONE STOP? RETHINKING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN? I kid you not when I say again, the pain was undescribable. Thinking another day, was going to take the last of my heart and mind. I look back and ask how I survived it? I started going to church at some point and praying. I journaled. I had two small kids, one 1 and one 4. I don't know how I was taking care of them to be honest. I know all about the no sleep. I wouldn't sleep for four day's. I didn't think it was humanly possible. I would drive and go about the day like a sick zombie. Ohhhhh GOD, thinking back, I never ever want to be there again. I can so feel for you. I know you said that your Dr. won't prescribe meds. Well, I tell you, I think in large part, the antidepressants are what GOT ME THRU. I went to my physician and asked to be placed on them. I didn't care about pride. I couldn't live the life I was then living. THAT'S JUST IT, I WASN'T LIVING, I WAS DYING. Talk to your Dr. again. He/she need's to understand the serverity of your situation, your well being. Get on the med's, it is a huge boost. I CAN TELL YOU FIRST HAND. It is allows you to cope with this nightmare alot easier. Not to say, any of this is easy. Take one moment at a time.

I send you strenghth and miracles.

God bless.

The stories are true time will heal you...My biggest strength was church...Churches have started Life Groups called for New Begginers for divorce couples starting over...Go to divorcecare.org & find one in your area to go to, it helps being with some that are going thru what your going thru...I find help talking with people that also been divorced because people that haven't will never understand the pain...I also love the Serenity Pray it is perfect asking for strength...I promise it gets better just look at all the people divorced & see how they have made it & we can too...I still have my depression but not like when he first life & didn't want to live any longer...I do believe once you let go & move on it all works itself out but holding on just keeps the depression going...I pray for you & hope all gets better soon...

Thank you. I will go check out that site.

Thanks. So you are happy now? And i already am on 2 antidepressants. Have been for years. Now I think about it, I wasnt on them until a few years after being married to him. Guess that should have been a clue a long time ago.

Thanks I need all the prayers I can get. And I cant afford a therapist. He is paying the bills until june but after that no insurance and no money unless my attorney fights for me and I get a fair judge. And you are right. Part of me realizes that there isnt anything there and really never has been. But if he at least would have warned me. Gave me time to figure things out.

When I was with the flea I was in anti depressants as soon as he left I got off them. I was just like you. I had lived with his man for 20 yrs then all of a sudden he wasn't happy, I was angry at first, then I started to cry. I would not get out of bed and would cry all day. I have a 19yr old daughter and an 8 yr son. They need me and now I know that, they make me strong and make me keep going. I was just like you I had no support, no friends, no family. Nobody to there for me. Just my kids. I also have a thyroid problem and gain weight very easily and can't loose it. You do know that your thyroids also makes you feel depress. Like you are dying and see things a different way. send me an email and I will tell you how my thyroid did all kinds of things to me. ladyrb1@hotmail.com

I am so sorry you are in pain. I was where you are when my husband left our marriage. An absolute total mess! I felt so awful that I thought, at the time, I was going to die from the pain. I lost 30lbs, couldn't eat, stayed in bed all day, didn't bathe or care about anything. I did get through it, now look back & think wow, I cant believe I was such a mess over a marriage that was based on deceit. Let that give you faith, that you will get there too.
No one is worth your happiness & measure of a remarkable woman that deserves to be appreciated.

Sue, I couldn't have said it better myself. It is so true. I now see how many tears I wasted on a fool.

Susan

New to here. Seeing if I can post.

Ok , I see that I can post. I am in the same situation that you are in. I have cried everyday for a year until I just can't do it anymore. I have gotten to the point that suicide is more of a solution that an option. But, I have to say, I went to a counselor this week and it was so good to sit and talk to someone who is objective. It felt freeing. I don't know how far you are into your experience but I have been battling mine for a year.
Divorce in ways is like a death. My first husband died of cancer when he was 28 and I was 25. I re-married 2 years later to the husband I am now divorcing and I feel the same feelings I did with the death, and in a sense there has been a death of a relationship, a marriage. I have to young children also, which makes it harder. I am not gonna say it gets easier, because I am in the middle of it myself. I have read a book called the Twelve Steps of Divorce, and somehow it comforted me. It is based in the 12 steps of AA. The first step is to accept the things you cannot change. I have said the serentiy prayer over and over and over.... and somehow, it has helped me. I have had to accept that my husband does not and will not love me anymore. I am the one who had an affair, and he can't forgive me for it, but I cannot control what he feels. That is one step towards healing is accepting that you cannot change others feelings or thoughts. Just some food for thought.

It is not impossible to save a marriage from the ashes of infidelity. Have you and your husband been to marriage counseling? Has any legal action been taken yet? Try and talk to him about the children and would he consider to try on a trial bases to reconsider for the sake of the children. Men cheat as a matter of passing but if women do there is such a double standard here. I also cheated on my first husband when I was 20 to make matter worse he was in Viet Nam during the war and to make things even worse yet I got pregnant by my lover. So you aren't the only one who has made a mistake. My husband came home from the war gave "Our Daughter" his name and has always been her father and is in fact much closer to her then his own bio daughter to this day! Sadly this marriage did not last. I got pregnant with youngest daughter (his bio child) and we seperated..I think he had actually had come to grips with my affair and that wasn't why we divorced. It was the fact we were so young and he had ptsd from his war experiences. In the military most of your personal freedom is taken away and he was finally free.(he was drafted as most boys were then) There is a book called divorce busters and they have a web site. Alot of it seems strange to me but maybe it would help? How young are the children? Is your husband still in the home? This is really a tough one. I would acknowledge his pain and let him vent his anger. I'm sure the therapist will help you on this. I will pray for you. Both of you need to try and act in the best interest of the children! Just alittle side note. After about 6 months of being seperated we started to try and fix our marriage. I had the baby and neither one of us really gave 100% to trying to recover our relationship. I meet my current husband and got a divorce and was married to him 37 years. My ex husband (1st ex) and I have remained very close over the years. I even attended his wedding when he remarried. He was an outstanding father and we worked as a team for the best interest of our two daughters. I had an open door policy and he could take or see the girls as often or whenever he liked. I let him take them 3 xmas in a row because he took them to the mountains for a white Xmas. (we live in southern Ca) So time does actually heal a broken heart(for both of you) Best of luck to you. I have walked in your shoes and they really hurt your feet.

In terms of flexibility in raising the children, that has to be a 2-way street in order for it to work. We have remained fairly flexible (compared to many I see I guess it is VERY flexible). However, I have asked that Jerk call before he comes. He'd just stop in and I never knew when to expect it. I was completely unsettled all of the time wondering if he'd drop in. I decided that this is my home and I was not longer going to live that way. If it works out for us when he calls, he can come. He started to get into a habit of interfering with our plans, and I had to put a stop to that. He wanted to monopolize the kids' free time. I could take them to their practices, do their homework, etc., but when they had some free time he'd take that. Call, plan, and all is fine. Control, manipulate, and it just won't work.

Kathleen:
I also and dealing with PTSD. It is a no win situation.

I am going through the same thing. I have an 8 yr. old and I am having trouble finding joy again. I found out in February. Let's connect kwhite22@comcast.net