In terms of flexibility in raising the children, that has to be a 2-way street in order for it to work. We have remained fairly flexible (compared to many I see I guess it is VERY flexible). However, I have asked that Jerk call before he comes. He'd just stop in and I never knew when to expect it. I was completely unsettled all of the time wondering if he'd drop in. I decided that this is my home and I was not longer going to live that way. If it works out for us when he calls, he can come. He started to get into a habit of interfering with our plans, and I had to put a stop to that. He wanted to monopolize the kids' free time. I could take them to their practices, do their homework, etc., but when they had some free time he'd take that. Call, plan, and all is fine. Control, manipulate, and it just won't work.
I am going through the same thing. I have an 8 yr. old and I am having trouble finding joy again. I found out in February. Let's connect kwhite22@comcast.net