I understand and have been there. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I had days where I stayed in bed the entire day and refused to talk to anyone (harder to do if you have young ones at home). But don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't to do to get through this. Self-survival has to come first. Everyone and everything else will just have to wait. Right now all you have to do is get through today.

Eventually the days like you are having today will come less often, or it will be for a few hours instead of the whole day, and then you will suddenly realize that you HAVE survived. But don't rush it. Allow yourself the time to heal.

WOW! I feel and think the same exact thing - "gum at the bottom of his shoe". It is the worst feeling in the world. And yes unless you are in this position or experienced it I don't think you can relate. I have family & friends who love me dearly but have never gone through this and don't understand the heartache & heartbreak. I am sad and someday I know I will be happy again but not right now!!! Well I just wanted to share because your post hit home with me.

Dear Mrs. Miller, I know first hand about the blues believe me. We are right there with you. It's hard to deal with the many complexities a divorce presents us! We are still in a state of shock from the betrayal. For most their are the innocent children who get hurled alone with us in the storm. I'm sure there are some really fine fathers out there but the women on this site sure don't have them for their children! Add to your burden a child who is autistic and I don't understand how you manage to stay sane in all of this. Your burden is abnormally hard to carry. I have visited a few web sites which advise to have as little contact as possible with the soon to be ex. You should of course discuss with him your child if that conversation is for the true benefit of the child. Maybe advise him of your boundaries on this. That you will not allow him to abuse you any longer and that he needs to contact your legal counsel. So many of us were so used to scraps who deserve the whole plate. We, myself certainly included, need to stand up for our rights and those of our children. He is really going to be upset when he finds out this is not going to be a party and he is going to be forced to accept his responsiblities and he has alone time to have to do that! Just keep the prize in sight when your feeling blue which is your amazing child. This child needs you more than anything. The court may not even think you should have to work based on the amount of care needed for an autistic child. You are going to come out on top when all is settled. He is the real loser here! Please post as often and feel free to speak your mind. We all have many of the same issues. Depression is normal my God look what your dealing with! Are you involved in any autism support chat rooms maybe that would also help you. My prayers are with you. Keep us posted on your situation. WE CARE!

I do agree with those that tell me not to sulk...to pick myself up and be strong, but sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to be upset. Its all so exhausting isnt it?

Dont let anyone be telling you what to feel or what you should be doing now. By just going with our feelings at any given moment..in my opinion...is what helps us heal.

I know its hard, but just try the best you can to keep the faith that brighter days will come.

Take the time to cry and have a bad day. I fought tears for several days and felt horrible, but when I just accepted that I needed it and let it go, I felt a release. Then I have had some strong days, when I thought I could take it. Hang in there. I know it is hard to when they seem to be going on with life just fine, and we are suffering. But know you are not alone.

I was never a very religious person. I guess I believed in God but my parents had major differences in their beliefs which caused issues and so us kids weren't really raised with much religious background. Now I pray. I simply had to find something to offer me some comfort and relief. It works. I am still struggling to have faith that God wants what's best for me, that he wants me to be happy again, that I will have someone to give and get love from again. Faith is a struggle for me but I hope that God understands that. He created us to question didn't he?
I have also created a sort of mantra for myself. My prayers include asking God to help me have these things each day. I repeat my mantra to myself whenever I have a weak moment. I find that it helps me find my center and carry on. The mantra had changed and evolved a little over time as I find new things I need to work on but right now I ask for help with these things: Strength, Courage, Faith, Hope, Honor, Restraint, Trust, Grace, and Love. I do realize that some of them seem repetitive but each one has a special meaning for me.
Good Luck. I am with you, everyone here is. We WILL get through this.