Lisa, It appears to be a no win situation. Is there anything in the custody order that states he has to pay for child care if he doesn't honor his obligation to pick up the kids on time? I would document all the abuse of the order. This is a slippery slope. My grandson's father traveled on business alot and the court bent over backwards to allow him visitation. My daughter left his father for a whole year when my grandson was 3 years old and then went back to him. Will needless to say everytime he found something he'd rather do it was alway BUSINESS. My daughter could never make plans in advance it was really cutting into her freedom. I was even the pickup drop off person and it impacted my life as well. I couldn't make any plans for every other weekend. You have to tread lightly here unfortunately. The court will probably view work as necessary and maybe change the order to accommodate his schedule even when on call. I would maybe make a copy of the order highlight the things he is violating and send it to him asking him to please abide by the court order. Document, document, document so important if you go back to court. Have as little contact as possible with the ex. Remind him that he is under court order to obey the custody order. It probably won't do much good in the end. How old are the children? No one said this was going to be fair did they. My prayers go with you believe me I have been there with my grandson. His father shaved his head bald when he was three at Xmas because we made the mistake of telling his dad we were going to have Xmas pictures taken at a studio. My grandson looked like a cancer victim and it is still heart breaking to see those Xmas pictures. My daughter took a picture when she went to court and the judge put it right in the order that his father could not have his hair cut. You always want to come off as taking the higher ground to allow the visitation the court is death on that point. If the kids are old enough let them handle their own relationship with their dad. Show them that it ok to stand up for themselves but let them name their own battles with their father. Just encourage them to communicate how they feel with their dad about what is bothering them. Does OW live with your ex? Best of luck here. I'm afraid there isn't a good answer here.

Kathleen, My boys are 9 and 7.
It is really playing hard on my 9 year old. He is my emotional one. He is angry a lot any more. Every other week I have huge problems with him mouthing me or just being mean to all of us. It usually only lasts a few days then he is back to being my sweet loving little boy.
My 7 year old has always been my happy go lucky kid....now he is peeing the bed after visits with Dad I have talked to him and he just says he must have had to much to drink. They go to bed a 8:30 and drinks are cut off at 7:45. I just don't know what to do about it....
I have a very open relationship with my boys, have since the day they could talk. I promised them I would never lie to them and that they could always come to me NO MATTER WHAT and I would be there to just love them. Dad hates that because the kids have never felt that way with him. I guess that could be my fault, I would always tell them to make sure they behaved and not "bother him" when he came home because we knew he would be in a bad mood and yell at them for every little thing they did.
They won't tell him that things bother them because they don't want to hurt his feelings..yet I am the one who is always here and they are always hurting mine(?)
Seeing my children hurting is like nothing I have ever experienced. I take it, I hurt, I cry about it, then I let it go. They are just babies so how can I take it personally?
My oldest finally talked to Dad this weekend about how he feels about having to always fight for attention with OW's girls and Dad's answer was "Well I'll try to work on that but you have to understand that they are a part of my life" REALLY!? What an ass! HIS son is pouring his heart out to him and that is what he comes up with?
I have spend so many hours defending him for him to say that to my son? It just blows my mind. My son is starting to hate these girls and ex is not making it any better. I told my son that to hate them is wrong. I explained to them that they too were ripped out of a family so that Dad and OW could be together (long story) and that he should feel compassion for them. They are in the same boat that he is. They too are just innocent children and every other weekend their stability is shaken when my boys arrive. I feel sorry for them as well.
My ex uses work as an excuse. I know how this company is and I know that all he has to do is tell them that he is getting his kids and they will bend over backwards for him. His boss is not just his boss but his friend. He is the one who got to ER when he was having a mental break down after I left. So I know he is willing to do what he can for my ex. Ex is just money hungry and if he can work he will. That also caused a lot of problems with our marriage. HE would work from 6 am to 11 pm. we never seen him and when we did he was miserable because he was tired and stressed from work.
Sorry but I had to lol when I read that your grandson looked like a chemo patient...my youngest is as blonde as the day is long and every summer I shave his head and he looks that way Poor kid. BTW I would be happy if ex offered to pay for a hair cut..he thinks that since he pays child support he don't have to do anything extra to help out.
I do document. I have 30 pages of document, from last August alone.
Sorry my reply got a little longer than I intended. Momma always said I was like a duck's ass

Lisa, your ex sounds so much like Jerk. Working all the time. Too tired to enjoy the kids. Doesn't appreciate what he does have, and yet he always wants more? My kids, too, lash out at me and will openly tell me they don't want to do anything to "ruin their time" with their dad. So his time is sacred. Isn't that great? But I am so thankful my kids are comfortable enough with me to come to me with their concerns, they know my love is unconditional, and they aren't afraid that what they say or do will jeopardize that. We know that stress can induce bed wetting. I'm not wanting to go down a horrible path, but I know you have concerns about OW. I don't know what they are, but...bed wetting is also a symptom of sexual abuse. Don't want to alarm you where it's not needed, and you know the situation and I know are alert to all of the red flags, just thought I'd throw that in there. If Jerk would fall off the face of the earth, wouldn't my life be nice?

I don't think sexual abuse has a play in the bed wetting. I have the "privates are private" talk with my boys. I have since they were little. Every time they would get a bath when they were little( I started at a year old) I would tell them that what their underwear cover is private and no one should touch them there. Of course that lead to many a questions, lol, Is it okay for Nanny to bath them, Aunt J to bath them and Uncle M to bath them...those are the ones who always did bath times other than me. I talk openly about what is wrong and what is right, according to their age of course
I really think that this is the way my youngest shows his stress over all of this, the divorce, Daddy's new family, lack of a relationship with Dad. He and my ex never had a good relationship. I hate to say it but I don't think ex likes him as much as the older one. Older son is into sports and fishing just like ex, youngest is not.
My youngest never says a word but I can see the wheels turning in his little mind. Older one is very vocal about EVERYTHING, to only me. He just wants to please his Dad and won't say anything that might cause Dad to be upset. He told me he tried to talk to Dad and felt like Dad din;t really listen (I know exactly how he feels) He said he will NEVER talk to Dad about it again.
It makes me so mad. Ex doesn't have anything for the boys to do while they are there so they have to rely on the girls allowing them to use their stuff, game and such. I'm sure that effects them I know it would me. Even down to their room, if the girls want to play in it while they are gone they are allowed to, so unfair. It's almost like there is no room for them at Dads.
I could go on and on about how unfairly Dad and his new family treat my boys...that in it's self is sad

I know you're on top of things...I'm a legal reporter and we've been trained to report suspicions of anything...so sometimes I become suspicious when I'm sure there's no need.

Nothing wrong with being suspicious, believe me the thought crossed my mind. I think as parents we have to be when it comes to our kids and their well being. I have seen to many cases of sexual abuse to just bury my head in the sand. Thank you Becky for, well just everything

Lisa & others,

I hear you...But I just want to say that the not "owning" anything they do is a skill of the personality disordered- specifically, narcissistic personality disorder.

Essentially, we're talking about someone emotionally stunted- who has the emotional level of a six year old- but in an adult body. They do not feel things like you do. They are consummate actors (& liars) though, so you will swear they sound sincere. They say all the right things- but it doesn't mean anything to them. Unfortunately, they lack empathy & compassion (never developed)- so no matter how you try to deal with them (nice, logical, etc...) it will always backfire. They will see you as weak or they will be paranoid that you're up to something (they can only view things from their side- no one does something for nothing- this is a trick). It's pretty scary- and since my ex-partner here was diagnosed, I've learned a lot & also have avoided other NPD freaks.

Read here & see if any of it rings familiar:

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/