I'm wondering if I wrote this posting and I can't remember (Ha!), because my emotions are almost exactly the same! What has helped is that we agreed to only exchange e-mails, although our mediation lawyer had to get us both to sign an agreement that we would both answer or acknowledge each other's e-mails within 24 hrs because he wasn't answering mine (so silly!). This has helped because eventhough I may see I have an e-mail from him, I can choose to open it later or even the next day, when I prepare myself emotionally. And I have forced myself to not even check my e-mail after 10pm because just knowing it is there will keep me awake! I have such a physical reaction when I receive an e-mail - it feels like the blood drains from my head and my heart beats frantically.
On the occasions I do have to talk to him in person, the right words never seem to come out. I know I'm supposed to "take the high road", but I just want to hurt him with words in a way that even somehow comes close to all the pain he caused me when he destroyed our marriage of 22 years!
I can relate & have taken the high road. It's been 15 months since I have spoken to my stbx. I have fantasized for 15 months what I would like to say to him once the dotted line is signed, so to speak! I hope when this nightmare is over, I will feel the need to say absolutely nothing & walk away like he did!!!
Balance and control to feel what we need to and to be careful not to open mouth and insert foot. I am not counting till the dotted line is signed. I am counting till my youngest is eighteen and I know that the decisions are no longer ours.
I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one whose heart skips a beat when I see his number show up on my cell as a text or a call. I've entered his name in my cell address book as Lying Cheating Pig. My phone speaks this name when it rings. I do get a chuckle out of that. But I do avoid his phone calls and let it go to voicemail and then I'm so nervous to listen to it that I wait until I have someone with me to listen to it. I also have others like my counselor read the emails he sends before me in order to help prepare me. I was never scared of him or of what he would say to me before the separation but now I'm scared to death that I'll get very upset and not be able to function the next day. I didn't realize how bossy and over bearing he was. I guess my own self confidence has taken a hit during all this stress and I don't feel like I can stand up to him right now.
I understand so clearly. I have the same thing where I feel like I can't function. And it could either be happy memories creeping up on me where I wish this separation had never happened or the flip side where he is so cruel and heartless. I look forward to the day when I have moved on enough that none of it has any meaning or impact on me.
I've entered his name in my cell address book as Lying Cheating Pig. My phone speaks this name when it rings. I do get a chuckle out of that.
Made me laugh. I have my ex's name listed as Jerk. I personalized his ring too. It is a LOUD siren sound (like on a submarine) and the guy yells "Warning, Warning the Jerk is calling." I love it!
I put it on vibrate when the kids are around so that they don't hear it but just knowing it is there makes my day.
I thought I was the only one that felt that anger when he calls or emails. I just want to go off on him. I do don't get me wrong. I don't hold back, I tell him exactly what I think of him and big foot.
lol Thanks everyone. Nice to know I havent lost a screw or something...i hope lmao. I see the pictures and our anniversary items and my heart breaks all over again. But WOW, when he calls all sanity and sadness goes flying merrily out the window lmao
I had this discussion with my therapist just today. She asked my why I continued to LET him control me in this way. I understand what she is saying, but I am still trying to wrap my hands around a way to make this not happen.