As some of you know I have been trying to save my marriage for 7 mohnths. Our marriage has improved so much and we are now closer than we have ever been. We were children before. Now we are adults who understand the comittment, the loyalty, and the effort it takes to keep a marriage alive. Well, at least one of us understands. We had a wonderful weekend, truly one of the best of my life, even though I was carefully trying to guard my heart. (I have reason to believe that he has been arguing with the OW and his attitude toward me certainly made it seem that was true.) I know him well aftr 32 years and I know he enjoyed the weekend too. I am sure of it and he has admitted it. Perhaps it wasn't as perfect for him as it was for me with the OW standing between us but that is a problem he could easily choose to fix. He owes her nothing! I deserve the chance to make things right between us, I did nothing wrong in all our years together to deserve what he has done and he says that is true. But tonight he tells me that the papers are nearly done. I know I should be calm and cool, and detached. I know he prefers to see me that way and that our interactions go much better. I started out that way but it didn't take long for me to give in to my emotions and I was in tears again. I love him so much and do not know how to stop. I choose this path, to try to save our marriage. I knew the risks to my heart. But his actions are so completely incomprehensible to me that I never really expected to lose. How can he do this to me? How can he do this to our 4 wonderful grown children, and our 2 grandsons one of whom is only 20 days old? (they will barely know him as he plans to move across country to be with "her".) How do I accept this without believing that all my adult life has been a lie? How do I let go of all the things I dreamed we would do together? How do I live with all the "never agains". How do I comprehend that those "never agains" apparently do not mean anything much to him and how can I bear that pain? How do I finally stop hoping? I do not believe I will stop hoping. I do not know how to. I have been told that I am strong and I believe that. I have also been told that I deserve better than what I've had for the past 7 months, and also the two before I found out about her. I believe that I do deserve more than I have gotten and I certainly want more. But what do I do to let go of him? How can I stop what my heart wants, what I believe is right? I do not have anger in my heart, only deep sadness and regret. I do not want to be angry, to hate him. How do I move on? Please forgive me for rambling. You ladies have been such a support to me and I am floundering tonight as never before. I am stronger, and more prepared it is true, but the end is near and I do not know how to let go. This is so wrong. I love him so much. Has anyone else been this lost?

Dear Alone, I sobbed as I read your post! You have given every ounce of your being to try and save your marriage, I know that. I am concerned if he is actually filing for divorce that you get a lawyer to protect yourself at this point. I think your fight is over. It is time to take whatever actions you need to take care of yourself now. No one could have explained to me how painful this was all going to be. Are you seeing a therapist? It is so hard to let go I realize that all to well myself. Now comes the hard work of rebuilding YOUR LIFE. It is time to stop the sacrifice. Please Alone do not allow him to take anything else from you. You can be proud of how hard you have tried to work this out. This is a problem with him not you. He is the one who is truely lost here. Don't let him take your financial security as well. We care so much about you. It is time to grieve your loss. Please post and let us know how you are doing. You are always in our thoughts and prayers.

Dear Alone,
I am so sorry to hear that he has made this decision. I had to read it twice where you said he told you the paperwork is almost done. I couldn't believe it knowing how hard you fought to keep your marriage intact.

My marriage also ended after 32 years. I also thought we would grow old together "until death do us part". I know every ounce of the pain you are feeling. It's overbearing and overwhelming.

Kathleen is spot on when she advised you to get a lawyer. Somehow you have to work through the fog and take care of the business of divorce. Even the word "divorce" sounds like a dirty word. You need to protect yourself now so that you will be financially able to live. It sounds cold, but it's a fact.

I'm sure it seems impossible to believe that you'll survive this, but you will. All the strength you mustered to try to save your marriage now has to be diverted into taking care of yourself. Now is the time to do what is best for you and only you.

We are 100% in your court. We're here for you. When things feel too hurtful, let us know. We can't be with you physically, but we're here to cheer you on when the going gets rough. You might have already gone through the worst of it. Not knowing which way it was going to end would have been more than I could have taken.

Alone,
I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I think Kathleen is right about protecting yourself. As difficult as it is, thinking about your love for your husband with hopes of his returning & not rocking the boat will not protect you financially! You deserve this! What you will & have been going through is an absolute emotional tornado that we can all relate to.
You do not deserve to be worrying about your financial security. It seems that your husband emotionally manipulated the situation to benefit himself. I loved my husband too & still do. I had to tell myself over & over that he lied, cheated & decieved me, probably for years! This helped me gain the strength to seek out what I was entitled to. Making emotional choices when it comes to financial settlements will cost you in the end. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist & even seeking a medication eval if your distress is affecting your daily functioning. You did everything you possibly could, while taking the high road & you should be proud of that. You will get through this. Take small steps & do something kind for yourself each day.

Alone, My heart goes out to you. I too cried when I read your post. Your love and devotion to this man and your marriage are unbelievable. But its time to throw in the towel and end the fight. You will know in your heart that you did what you could, sometimes our best isn't good enough when the other person is unwilling to change. Hold your head high and walk away with your dignity intact.
I agree to that you need a lawyer. You need a good lawyer and good friends to help you through this hard time.
You are strong, you have proven that by hanging in so long. Take your strength and use it to fight for YOU. They say that there is no winner in a divorce but IMO YOU will be the winner because you have such a strong heart. You will survive and he will crumble.
Use your mind not your heart to get what you deserve. Like sue said don't make emotional decisions, it will cost you in the end.

Yep. I have been lost for some time now. They say "I still love you" but then they do something totally opposite. Wounds to the heart seem to take the most time to heal if they ever dothat is.

Aint that the truth! I would rather be hit by a Mack truck or mauled by a Great white shark! It would hurt less!

Oh, Alone, you are in my prayers and heart today. I know how hard it is to understand how they could be so cruel and careless, but if he is anything like my ex, which it sounds as if he is, they only try to look like they are working on the marriage to make it easier to look good in the eyes of others and ease their own guilt as well as having you treat them nicely throughout the whole thing.

You did try so hard and the saddest thing is that you put your whole heart into it until the very end and he is still breaking it. You deserve so much more than a fool like this. It will take time for your love to let go because it is love that you have. Real love and loyalty that you promised in your vows through better or worse.

I know that pain as well. In fact, my ex has been living with his other woman for some time now and by his actions and asking me about my vacation times with the kids, I have a feeling he may be planning a wedding with her this summer. Life does not always seem fair, but who you are and with all your love you walk on a much higher ground than your husband and his girlfriend.

Try to remember all you have done to make it work and hold your head high knowing you gave your best and all you had....you may not know it but others will admire your grace and commitment. God reads the heart and you have a golden one that someone who loves you deserves. We are all here for you.

Susan

Alone, my heart breaks for you. I cried reading your post. I so know how you feel. I felt the same way when my idiot husband left me for OW. All the same emotions. All the questions and shock of the outcome. You gave it your all, and he did not. We never will know why they do this to us after such a long marriage. I am heading into the fourth month since he left, and the papers are nearing completion. I have to sell my house. A good thing, tho, I think. Somewhere to go where he has never been. Find a new life for yourself. You have children and grandchildren that will help you get through. Get someone to represent you so that you don't get sold short on this divorce. Protect yourself. You are such a dear, please let us know how you are holding up. Sending love and hugs to you.

You have done all you can & it's not enough. I think what makes it hard is the concept that we can't fix everything- even if we feel it's the right thing.

I tried for years to get my ex-h to put the kids & I first in his life- and eventually I had to stop. It wasn't my fault- and this is in no way your fault. It is what it is- a sad outcome.

I think it's natural to feel all your effort was in vain, but it wasn't- you have set a good example to your kids & grandkids. You did all the right things- that is the part that speaks about you & your ethics.

I believe you'll be happier out of this situation. When I left- my kids got to see the real me- and I felt a weight was lifted. I hope things work out for you- stay strong...

Dear Alone, my heart breaks for you. I have been trying to save my marriage too and am starting to think that I've done it all wrong, that I've been too nice, tried to hard to fix it, let him believe it was all my fault when it wasn't.

From all I've read these shady affairs never work out because it is impossible to build them on the pain and suffering of others. There will always be a shadow over the relationship. Always.

I've also read that these men eventually come back because they finally understand what the affair cost them-family, kids, friends, money, homes, respect-and they realize that the price was too high and they want it all back. I find some consolation in this but I am not looking forward to the years of pain while he figures it all out. I'm finding that living hour to hour, day to day is about all that I can handle right now. Any thought of the future ratchets the pain, fear and anxiety sky high and I about lose my mind.

I hope what I've written helps. I'm sending big hugs and prayers your way. You are NOT alone.

Would you really be able to welcome back the cheating sob that left you in such pain?! I loved him with all my heart, but he tossed it and our girls aside to run off with someone else. By the time he gets his head out of his @ss---if he even does---I will have healed and what would I want with a lying cheater? I can't believe that I would be able to be with him ever again after all the pain he has caused. And how on earth could you ever trust him again?

Barb, as for me, I truly believe that his affair is a one time thing most likely caused by a mid-life crisis and possibly depression issues that my husband has refused to face until this started. I am positive nothing like this has happened in the past. To my shame the situation has also pointed out just how stale our relationship had become. That issue has been addressed and no longer exsists. Husband has suffered greatly for what he is doing. Yes, I know he brought it on himself and deserves all of it. But if he were to decide our marriage was what he wants, I would watch carefully for a time and he would have to earn back my trust. But I do not think I would have a problem trusting again.

Alone, you're a better person than I am...I'd never take the louse back if it were me.

Your situation, however, is so far different from mine, and I genuinely wish you the best. I pray things work out the way that you hope. =)