Alone, without my strong faith and the knowlledge that God will get me and my kids through this and to a better place, I'd never survive this. Prayer is very comforting...and he's there to talk to even as we lay there wide awake at night...
Truly my faith is all that has kept me going. I know that God is carrying me through this. I returned to church, which was no accident. I ran into a dear friend that I used to attend church with at an event with several thousand people. It was God putting her back into my life to return to church and strengthen my faith.
I have read that book, and it was very helpful to me. I wish I could find more like it. Reading it was such a comfort to me each day.
I have felt much better during the two days since I read the book. It has really helped me. I still have very bad moments when I cry but I am able to find my strength and pull it together much faster than before. I also feel a change in my attitude. I am still figuring it out but I think it is an change I have fought against. An unwelcome change. But a change that I am afraid I am going to have to accept. I cannot change my beloved husband, I can't make him go back to being who he once was, and I can't keep him here if he is so unhappy. I am devastated. But I will not let him destroy my life. This book has helped me see that I will (hopefully) survive this in a good way and go on to make something of my life. It just still hurts so much that he doesn't want be a part of my life.
Dear Alone, He doesn't want to part of his life either. Think about how self destructive this whole thing is for him. He might feel in some way he is not good enough for you and in some twisted way feels like you deserve better than what he has to offer. I hope your strength continues to grow and grow. I am praying for strength myself. I tryed to talk to my husband alittle tonight. He is the one who hide 100,000 in cash in the truck of an old car. I wrote him a note saying I wanted to talk from our hearts no power plays on either of our parts and he said I read your note and I think your crazy! You ripped me off of my money. Then he said I took my grandson dog and he didn't want it. I never was a dog person and he had dogs through our marriage. He complained because I let my grandsons best friend stay with us for 3 months. She sleep her a total of 2 nights and ate here maybe a handful of times. This was mainly a place for her to store her clothes is all. Nothing from the heart can from this mans lips just more of his trying to steam roll over me. He just looked at me like he hated me. I just walked away. This is so hard! I know rationally the way he made me live was all wrong and there was no question when he spent thousands of dollar on cars and hunting trips and guns and tools and 2000 sq ft garage. I struggled to take care of my girls and he could have made it so much easier for me but he didn't. I don't understand why I am trying to get him to understand. He just doesn't care. I feel so drained. He is just the way he has been for many many years cold and heartless when we don't agree. I guess it is because I always gave in that somehow we managed to stay married this long. Like you it is so hard to let go. I am the one who filed for the divorce. I have to follow through for my financial futures sake. I don't know why I thought he would want to try and save our marriage. He doesn't!!!!!!!!!!!! Forgive me for being such a baby. I like you am suffering with this. I would give anything to just feel normal again. I would like to see just a hint of some emotion in him that he loves me or would miss me. It isn't there. There is no other women, his mistress is control and money. I guess I really need to get to a therapist! The one I saw can't see me again until the end of May. Why do I want someone who has so little regard for me? Maybe he is right maybe I am crazy!!!!!!!!
Kathleen, you are not crazy. He sounds a bit off, but you are a dear. I can tell from your posts. It is amazing how we love so deep that we overlook how we are treated and just do all we can to not rock the boat. I know that is what I did, and it sounds like what you did, too. I am sorry that he is so cold and unfeeling. My stbx is, too, but it's because he has a new exciting toy--his gf. I am sure that living with him makes it so difficult for you. I can't imagine. It has been so good for me the last two weeks since the papers are nearly done, and I told him I had nothing to say to him that it is between the lawyers now. No texts no emails just sweet peace. I know, I sound unfeeling, and I am not. It's just I have to accept what is happening and I am planning my new life. I hope you can get on with yours soon. Hang in there!