I know what you mean, Alone. Somewhere along the line, the man I married died. The new man that took over about midway in our marriage was a stranger. I somehow still loved him, but I feared him also. I seemed to be always trying not to make him mad. I worked to make sure everything was about him and his needs. Things I wanted or wanted to do I was told no. I didn't argue. Just accepted. He flirted with any woman anywhere, but never me. I hated that. Even the girls were embarrassed by it. We would all be in a restaurant and he would be so flirtatious with the waitress. It made me sad. Did I really think about this until he left me? No. It's like I was blinded by love. Now I see who he really is. I am not losing much. The man that I truly loved and that loved me died long ago.
Alone: After spending many years with someone, anyone can look back and see that there were good times, and the good times are what are missed. I remember meeting my husband and thinking what a wonderful sweet man he was and how happy we were. Everyone has the memories of the love that one has at first and its hard to let go of such memories. I too wish I could go back to those good sweet memories and know the man that once was. You are not alone.
When you are in love and married to a user, your self confidence comes crashing down too. He used you, but you are out now.
I know how you feel about looking at the man you once loved and not recognizing him. I think I'm scared that it was my love that created the man. That he never really existed in the first place.
But once everything is done with, take comfort that you can move on.