Thank you everyone for the replies. You are all amazing!!!
Yes, I am the only one that wants to save the marriage. H has told me and shown me what he wants but I can't seem to accept it. Perhaps I would not hang on if he had already filed for divorce like he has talked about for a year now. Then when he recently started saying that we are separated instead getting divorce, it gave me a bit of hope that I can't help hanging on to. I know that he has been a total jerk and I should despise him for all the pain and turmoil he has caused me but I do blame myself for driving him away by my part in all this-gaining weight, being a b*tch because I was imprisoned by my weight, spending money I shouldn't have. I do think that was the start of him wanting out and then his midlife crisis kicked in with a vengeance which has turned my H into someone I don't recognize any more.
I called a lawyer yesterday and am going to scrape up the money somehow to pay him to file separation papers for me so that I can assure the financial part of this. I know that I have to start making firm boundaries about visitation with our son. I did ask for help with our son-because it is a 24/7 job and I needed a break-which is why my H was here so much last week,though he was here more than I did ask for and on days I did not expect. From what I have read about midlife crisis I know that I am making things worse by any talk about our marriage-it only makes things worse and rips me apart too. I need to go no contact/little contact and make every conversation about our son or finances. From now on, I am going to leave when he arrives here or else meet him somewhere and he can take our son out for the evening or the entire day/weekend on his days off. My H is living in a rented room in some guys house whom I don't know. I don't feel like this is the safest place for him to take our son which is why I want him to come over here to see him. The good news is that summer is right around the corner and there are lots of things they can do together around town while I do my thing.
You sound alittle different now. I like that! I know I've asked before and if you'd rather not mention I'll understand. How old is your son? Is he able to speak? Is he high functioning. As I've mentioned my granddaughter is autistic. She is just starting to talk alittle. She is 4 years old. She has 3 hrs. theraphy at home and 3 hrs at a school for autistic children. Thank God my daughter and son-in-law are both lawyers because it is so difficult to get the services they need. I hope your husband whether or not you stay married continues to share in this 24/7 job with you. Hopefully you can remain friends at least so you can co-parent. You are very special I hope you can see that. You would make any man so proud to be his wife. I think your husband is just broken and you can not put the pieces back together. I will pray for you so hard that this has the right outcome. Maybe God doesn't want you with a man who can't appreciate you good heart and loving spirit. I also feel your being way to hard on yourself. Your husband is not perfect he has faults. Why do you hold yourself up to impossible standards? You are perfect just the way you are. Thank you for the lovely Easter thoughts.
When Jerk first left I had to set the ground rules for his visitations here: He can't come unless he calls first, visitation is arranged through me not through his children, he must knock and wait for someone to answer the door, etc. I can say I'm OK with them staying here if he has a limited amount of time for a visit, AS LONG AS he respects my space. If it were all of the time, I wouldn't be OK with it, but a few times a month isn't so bad. I can see where you do need a break. You can learn to run errands, pay bills, take a nap, etc., when he has his visitations. Keep us posted.