Dear Alone, From your many posts I can assure you the one lacking is certainly not you! It would be just wonderful to me to be in that numb place, at least just for alittle while. I pray you are finding some peace in your life. Your husband will all to soon find out that there isn't that soft touch to make his day better. He will find that unconditional love doesn't just happen. It was nothing you did or said or wasn't. It was him lost, lost, lost. He will find as they all do eventually how good he really had it with a wife and family that loved and respected him. He in the end is going to pay the biggest price for what he has done to everyone. Please start building a life for yourself that is going to be just fine with or without him. I have been trying to write a little note to my husband every morning. I had such a bad day yesterday! It was to be our first court hearing and I somehow missed looking at the paperwork from my attorney that told me to be there. My husband got up and said your supposed to be in court this morning. I didn't have time to make it and had to watch my granddaughter. Thank God my attorney got a it continued. I can't bring my self to look at the paperwork. I finally read my husbands response and it really hurt me. Mind you this is a no-fault state and it doesn't matter who did what. There are no minor children just property and possible spousal support to settle. His response was basically not true and I told the complete truth in my declaration. I guess I should have expected it but there is not a reason to say all that he said because the court could care less. I can't shake the feeling of being off balance all the time. He still lives with me and I'm not sure how long he plans on staying here. He doesn't talk to me except when absolutely necessary. To me alone that nothing feeling sounds really good right now! I hope you continue to heal and maybe you'll end up being the one who says no more I'm finished. I know that if that happens you will truely be finished. Have a wonderful Easter.

Dear Kathleen, I feel so bad for you and wish you some peace for this holiday weekend. You are such a thoughtful, caring woman, yuour posts show that.
I cannot imagine the pain of actually ging through the divorce process and having to appear in court. In fact, I think a large part of my new found "numbness" is really some kind of self protection. It all started after hearing that the papers are nearly finished. That devastated me. Unrealistic as it was, I guess I'd never really believed that day would come. I guess it will be next week before I see those dreaded papers. But I doubt I will be able to keep it together once they are in my hands. This is all just so sad, not just for me but for all of us.
Remember what counts during this holiday weekend. Love those who love you back and enjoy them as best you can even during this difficult time. Bake those cookies and make some memories with your granddaughters!
I will continue to pray for you as always.

Kathleen
I think many of our husband's attach blame to completely evade self accountabiity & detach emotionally through hostility. The whole infidelity issue, for many of us is the same. The behavior is very hostile! We are all hurting & grieving but if I & probably many of the women on this site look back many things were probably lacking in our marriages for a long time. My husband use to say "you just don't want to end our marriage b/c you will feel like a failure. "Well ___, I left you & don't percieve our marriage as a failure!" I didn't lie, cheat, decieve & disrespect anyone, you did!!! Relationships tend to be glorified & perceptions a bit skewed when one feels rejected. I loved my husband but their were aspects about him that I overlooked & compromised on. These aspects became prevalent in the demise of our marriage. He certainly wasnt Mr. emotional or self accountable when issues occurred. In the end, my husband also treated me like an ill cared for plant. This absolutely validated that I was making the right decision by leaving him. Once trust is compromised, especially in such a deceptive, repetitive & insensitive manner, for me, this can't be repaired. It is so important to know you have someone that can weather the storms. That is a man that has character & strength. I want from a mate, as we all should, what I am willing to give.
Thank you for your Easter prayers. I am starting to enjoy my independence. New memories, even if alone, of feeling strong,overcoming such grief with a new perspective on what a healthy relationship means is a Blessing.
Alone, I am so proud of you. You are doing amazing, considering what you are going through. It is time for you & all of us to start working on our "bucket lists"

I don't feel that way. Granted, I know I did things wrong, but I know I gave ex everything I had. I don't see it as me not being adequate, but that he just always wanted more..you know? Take...take...take...and very little giving. I dont think it ever would have been enough for him.

I'm glad your doing ok Alone. Sounds like although you arent happy with what is happening, that you are beginning to accept the situation for what it is.

I too hope my ex regrets this for the rest of his life. He made a colossal mistake by letting me go...if I may be arrogant for a moment.

I agree. When you give everything you have and nothing is returned... well to put in bluntly it sucks. I have to admit, it feels good when you get the upper hand and you can stand and tell the truth and get him where it hurts.

Hi All,

It is natural and normal that you want your ex and to-be-ex to regret what they did to you. Nothing is wrong with any of you; you are perfect the way you are, remember that; nothing is perfect, and because of that we are perfect the way we are. Don't try to analyze what you feel, don't try to make it go away, just feel whatever is supposed to be felt.

And you grieve as long as you want; when you have enough, it's up to you to decide what you want to do with your life. You all have the power within yourself to make your life the way you want. We all know time is precious; once it's gone, there is no way we can get it back; and life is uncertain and flitting. The only thing we can do is to live our life the best way that we can, make our journey joyful and enjoyable, and don't hold on to whatever does not support our happiness. Happy Easter.

"To Our Inner Peace!"
Mai Bordelon
The Coach for Divorced Women
http://lifecoachingcorner.com
Blog website
http://thecoachfordivorcedwomen.com
Free Special Report "Fabulous Life After Divorce"
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520-481-1201

Alone, at the beginning I felt just like you do. I struggled with what I did or didn't do to make this happen. We were happy. So I thought. He was out looking for someone and I had no clue. I have come to terms with it being him. Even after last Saturday after a conversation with his mom when she told me it was my fault he left. Of course I had a long crying spell, but I realize of course it can't be his fault. It must be mine because she always said what a perfect son he was. But I know I did everything for him. It was always about him. Somehow, it's not enough. He wanted new and exciting. He got it. But he lost his kids and grandkids. He is paying for part of it now. I also hope he pays someday for all the pain he caused all of us. I am sure he will.

OMG! Ladies, you are killing me!!! I don't give a rats ass what any one of us has or hasn't done in our marriages- NOBODY deserves to be cheated on!!!! That is weak, cowardly & downright morally bankrupt! & we all know it so stop blaming yourselves.

Here is their secret....If they can get you to believe it is your fault then they can begin to believe it themselves and rid themselves of any guilt or shame. And this goes for their parents as well. If they can convince themselves and you that it was all you then their son sheds no guilt or shame on the family as well. Just remember, KNOW WHO YOU ARE IN YOUR HEART and take all that love you gave them and shine a little in your own life because you all deserve to be treated as well as you have treated your exes and stbxs.

God knows your hearts and will take care of you,
Susan

I am exactly in the same position as you. I am sitting here feeling exactly your pain. The doubt in my mind is overwhelming but I know that I have enough sanity to realize this all happening because it needed to. This was going to happen. I knew it was going to happen before it did. I dreamt that he would leave me and in my dream, he would laugh at me... saying it was ridiculous.

In the end, life presents to you challenges. You will get thru this as hard as it may seem. You need to focus on you now. Although it is easy to write this, I do have my doubts from time to time. Being 39 and realizing I may never have children because my marriage failed at this point... weakens my spirit.
But I have faith in knowing that this is all for a better purpose... I need to know that there is more to life than what I had with him.

I hope I haven't confused you with this... all I know is there is something more than what I have experienced with him in the mast 8 years of my life. I committed myself 100% but he didn't. I can't blame myself for that. Pretty simple.

Dear Tina, Just know that you were spared the grief and pain most of these ladies experience daily by not having had children with your ex. What type of home and security would they have had. This allows you a clean break from him. I would make finding your soul mate and soon to be father of your child a priority! As hard as it is we have to get out there in the world to find that certain someone. It is not impossible to have children after 40. Sometimes it is alittle more complicated but it can be done. I am fortunate like you in that my children are adults and I do not have to deal with child support, joint custody and all the horrible headaches that brings with it. I was married once before and had my two daughters. My ex husband was a saint!!!He was so good to me and the girls and I was the one who cheated on him and destroyed our marriage. I was very young and very foolish at the time. Most of us suffer from lower self esteem (most likely from the treatment we experienced being married to our stbx) I'm sure there is a percentage of fault with each of us in the breakdown of our marriages. It is never 100% one persons fault. I could not stand up to my husband (still can't) I shut down and hardly spoke to him for long periods of time. This has gone on for the last ten years or so. This was very damaging to our relationship!!! I am going to try and work on myself and not make the same mistakes again if I am able to find someone else again. I am 62 so it gets alot harder at that age!!!!

I know exactly how you feel. I have been divorced 6 months now after a 34 year marriage. I still can't seem to get the thoughts of being inadiquate, being not enough out of my mind. If I had only figured out that he had been cheating for all these years, if I had only not trusted him so much!! I know in my head that it is all wrong, he is the jerk, he is at fault, he did this to his family. But, in my heart I still want him to come back and say he is sorry and loves me. That he made a big mistake and wants to make everything right, but what do I get from him instead? He sent me an email telling me he wants to use the information on all the other women to barter with me for some of the household goods. He wants to sell me the names of the other women for some furniture out of the house. How much more of a jerk ccan he possibly be?
So I know whatyou are feeling and we both need to realize that we are better than that, we deserve better than that. It will take time and I have no idea how much time but I hope it happens soon.
Take care of yourself.

Dear Bridget, Your ex is one of the worst I've ever heard of! My God why would you ever want the names of the women he cheated with. This is a sick and twisted thing to offer you. He is so into himself isn't he. Don't give him a dam- thing!!!!!!!! 99% of us are so much better off without these snakes in our lives. I pray that you will find someone who will really appreciate what a very special person you are. I hope your Easter is peaceful and happy. I am going to try my best!!!!

Everytime I think I've heard it all! That is sleezy-for lack of better words that a "lady" might use...or that I could spell for that matter. Trading you the names of the other women for things? I'd say let him keep the names, and stick that furniture where the son doesn't shine. (Oops, I forgot the 'lady' part.) Coming down now...

I say let him keep his list. He may need it if any medical issues come up ... if you know what I mean.

Susan