How many of our ex's and soon to be ex's are searching for that mythical beast that doesn't exist? Life can have such tremendous trials and tribulations. The measure of a man is how he weathers the storm. Most of these men go searching for a (figuratively of course) unicorn. What they are seeking doesn't exist. A new women, rejecting their duties and responsiblities to their families doesn't get them any closer to the unicorn. It is always far ahead of them in the distance. They leave a path of destruction, despair, and pain on the road they travel to catch their mythical beasts. One day when they finally are exhausted and try to return home they find all is gone and there homes empty. No wives, no happy home, no sound of beautiful little children singing. They return to the barren and scorched land they left in ruins. They call for us but we have gone!

Very nice way to sum it up Kathleen. I like what you said about the measure of a man. A real man wouldnt bail on his responsibilities, devastate his family, ect.

Dear Chris, You must have sleep issues also by the times of your posts. I hate this. I am a high energy person usually but I am suffering from lack of sleep. I really don't want to get on medication. I'm hoping this won't last forever! It is when the day has ended and a flood of thoughts, emotions, and grief washes over me. I can't have a peaceful, tranquil nights sleep and haven't since this all began. It is like an old twilight episode where the character tries to stay awake because if they fall asleep they are going to die. I just can't shut down my thought process and in fact it goes top speed when there are no distractions from my day. It feels like I'm stuck in a revolving door going around and around and around. I am hoping this is all just a process and I will soon be finished with the hard grief portion. I guess I'll go try to take some thing over the counter a friend of mine who is a nurse recommended which isn't habit forming. I wish you sweet sweet dreams.

I do have sleep issues, which started when I separated. I get better and then when things heat up...like now, I cant sleep again.

I hope you get some relief with the OTC meds. I had to get Ambien from my Dr. I had gotten a grand total of 13hrs of sleep over a week and a half! I went in there crying hysterical because I was so exhausted and just could not sleep.

Wishing you some peace of mind so you can rest Kathleen.

Ya know, though, Jerk doesn't even see that he has done this. That's what is amazing to me. He pays child support (now that he knows if he doesn't he get to go to jail), he's paying a portion of the mortgage until we sell the place, he's taking a lot of debt (and yet leaving me bankrupt), he's seeing the kids every other weekend but missing midweek visits, he's fighting for his 'entitlement' to 1/2 the summer (but when I finally said OK he comes back with him only having 13 vacation days and isn't sure he'll be able to take his entire 1/2 of the summer-HUH?)...I don't think he sees he has bailed on his responsibilities-probably because he had none when he lived here, other than working and putting money in the bank account so I could pay the bills. He's still doing that, so in his mind he hasn't slacked off on his responsibilities. It's hard to wrap our hands around how they think because their thinking is so screwed up. They are so good at deceiving they can no longer see what the truth or reality is.

When Jerk left a year ago (the eve of Easter last year, in fact) he told me it would be OK. The kids and I would continue to live here, he'd take over all mortgage payments in lieu of child support, and he'd be living at his dad's (neighbor) so he'd be close and could help. In the first few weeks he'd pop in here and there, walk in as though he lived her, come unannounced, etc. So I set the ground rules (call before you come, knock as this is no longer your home, stuff like that). He wanted to be free to do what he wanted to do, free from his family, but yet he wanted to be able to come back to his 'family' whenever it worked out for him. He even stayed for a meal a couple of times. (So he pops in, I'm cooking a meal, and the kids kind of asked...what do you do?) Every step of the way I've had to cut those strings. He was P***ed when he first found out I wouldn't accept this offer. No, that's not quite right. At first he wouldn't listen. He figured he'd tell me how it would be, I'd crumble and hang on to anything. I didn't crumble. I told him that this plan was unacceptable and things became ugly. He hasn't helped one bit with things around here, he has stopped having mid-week visits, and now I think he's anxious to get the place sold because he's paying child support AND a portion of the mortgage. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. I can only hope he chokes on it.

You are absolutely right. Too bad they cant see what they are losing before its gone.

LOVE the analogy. In the last few years of my marriage I realized that my ex wanted me to provide a fantasy world that doesn't exist. This is how he can blame me for our marriage ending. He is still living in a fantasy world by being involved with a married woman with dreams of someday being with her full time. Of course she is prefect for him right now. She doesn't have to live with his BS and try to tell him that he is being unrealistic. I will laugh my ass off when it blows up on him.

Really like your unicorn analogy, Kathleen. It is so true. My sleep disturbances kind of come and go. I had lots of trouble at first, so I would gulp a little wine to sleep the first week or so after he left. Then it got better. Now I seem to be not tired at night and so I do something to get the house ready to sell. Last night I was up sorting through our file cabinet. Pulling his stuff out and shredding what I don't need to keep. So I am at least productive, I guess. Makes me tired the next day though. Have you tried writing your thoughts down before you go to bed? That helped me, too. I think my problem now is I want to get this place ready to sell and try to get out of it soon. So I have a hard time letting things go. There is so much to do. I have found that the herb valerian root has helped me. It is a muscle relaxant. Or melatonin can help some, too. Hope you life calms down some soon, and you can get the rest you need.

Dear Barb, Thank you for the sleep suggestions. I haven't keep a journal but maybe I should start doing that. It may be helpful to look back and see some growth in myself over time. I to have to get my house in order. I am not selling the house and plan to keep it. I am blessed in that it is completely paid for. I will have taxes, insurance, and gardener to pay for. Much cheaper than rent. I live across the street from my parents and not to far from my daughter so I really want to keep my home. It is in very poor repair right now. My husband would never fix anything and the carpet is 20 years old, the floor tile is all cracking and so many other things need to be replaced or fixed. This is a man who has 75,000 worth of restored cars and a million dollars in the bank and 100,000 which was hidden in a trunk of a car. Thank God my brother is a contractor (lives in oklahoma and I live in So. Ca) He is going to come and do the work for me. My youngest daughter has used my home to store most of her belongings and the house is packed tight. I need to get busy and clean the garage so I can transfer alot of her things there. Mind you there is a 2000 foot garage on our back lot but he has his car and every tool known to man there and I won't have access until he finally leaves and moves all that stuff. I hate being frozen and not being able to move on this stuff. I guess this is a way of acknowleging that the divorce is really happening. This is the only place I feel I can express myself as I don't feel comfortable burdening other in my life with the true feelings I have on this matter. I once again want to thank you all for your support and caring. Have a fun Easter!

The flea thinks he should be able to be in my son's life when ever he feel like it. He wants to call all day and nites. I put a stop to it when I told him he could call only on the days he did not see my son, he went ballistic telling he had the right to call when ever he wanted, now he just doesn't call at all. So he can't have what he wants, so he rather not have anything at all.

I love the unicorn analogy My husband thinks he's found his unicorn. Did I mention here that I'd found a picture? She's my size so apparently the 30 pounds I still need to lose, (I'd already lost 50 before this all started), are not the issue. She is only 9 months younger than me so that can hardly be it. She has the same hair color as me. She has skinny lips and squinty eyes, neither of which are like mine. I am a perfectly nice woman who loves to have fun and I believe I'm fairly decent in the "love" department if you know what I mean. I am also a woman who would NEVER in a million years break up another woman's family. We have very similar incomes. I have his children and grandchildren, a shared history, memories of him when we were young. After 32 years our lives are woven together in a thousand different ways, each of which pain me when the threads are severed.
One day I hope he will wake up and realize that the "Fairy Tale" he is living is just that, a fantasy of perfection. Maybe then he will see what he has done. Maybe then it will be too late to make amends. I do not want him to suffer as I have, (like the fool I am I love him to much to want him to suffer), but it would be nice if he just had some realization of what he's put his family through for a fantasy.
I like this thought Kathleen! Thanks for posting it!!