Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
*Hugs* My soon to be ex blamed me a lot for awhile, until his brother caught him in a huge lie. Then he played the repentant sinner, and is still playing it to an extent. In the end what my stbx really wants is for me to pay attention either positively or negatively. In his mind any attention is better than no attention. And really any people who believe that everything is your fault aren't worth having as friends. I've found that out. And really what I have done is ignore him and his friends who speak ill of me, because really it makes them look bad more so than me. I have just washed my hands of him as much as I can, because I can't change him. I can only protect myself and my kitty.
He will reap his reward. I hope this helps. Hang in there.
Thats so true! Whats that saying..."you cant fix stupid?".
Or, 'Here's Your Sign!'
It is normal that you are still hurt and angry at your ex. Let yourself feel all the pain and the anger, don't suppress them. When your pain and anger are vented, you will realize that your ex is your history. He doesn't have any power over you, he is nothing to you, except where your kids are concerned, therefore, whatever he says doesn't have any value to you. People can say anything they want, you cannot please everybody. Your kids' feelings are what you care about, so just be there for them as you always have. Happy Mother's Day.
"To Our Inner Peace"
Mai Bordelon :)
The Coach for Divorced Women
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I just added something to your thread below this one, so I wont repeat what I said except to say that we all have to get ourselves to a point where we can just let this petty crap go.
You know why hes saying the stuff he is...why people do that to others. Its because of their own issues, insecurities, guilty feelings, ect. Hes trying to pump himself up by beating you down.
For another thing, whoever is saying garbage about him staying with you, screw em. Only you and he know what happened in your marriage. He isnt telling the truth, and what does their opinion matter anyway?
What you are doing right now...getting so upset...is exactly what he wants. What you, myself, and all the other women here have to do..as hard as it can be..is to start letting it roll off our backs some. If they see that they arent upsetting us, the fun is going to be gone and eventually they'll get bored.
Its all a game theyre playing.
OH Yes I got blamed for EVERYTHING in our marriage. After the divorce was final I got a email from him telling me one last time why it was all my fault. No responsibility for any of it on himself.
According to him EVERYTHING (from home improvements to where we went on vacation)he agreed to in our marriage was against his wants (did he ever say so, NO). Guess I was supposed to be a mind reader.
Yes we had sexual problems but was it really all MY fault because I was abused as a child (he got a book from my counselor and never read it), or that I was tired from a full day at work and then coming home and most days working till 10 to take care of things at home? Or that I NEVER got romance from him that made me want sex? I told him years ago that I needed foot-rubs/back-rubs without having to have sex afterward or having him take me out occasionally. Never happened.
I spent most of my inheritance from my dad to better OUR lives. His went to toys for himself yet I was supposed to put making the garage warm over remodeling the bathroom. Again did he say anything at the time? NO. Only after the fact did it get thrown in my face.
I never responded to his email. Figured explaining things to him at this point one more time was a waste of time on my part. He is going to believe whatever he needs to make him comfortable with himself.
What losers they are.
I think a lot of it is guilt. It has to be our fault. If not, they have to take some responsibility. I have got it from him too. His mom calls me and goes off on me about how I am at fault with a whole bunch of bs I know he told her. Big surprise. I am done talking to all of them. I know the truth. My girls know the truth. Someday they will get theirs for all the lying and pain they have caused. It will come back to get them.
I think it is a question of letting go. They can't let go completely and we can't let go of the hurt. When we become indifferent to their accusations then we know we are there. It is a way to keep the lines of communication open between them and us. It is certainly human nature to try and deflect the blame. In my situation we both had a hand in destroying our marriage! I could not stand up for myself and resentment poisoned me. He had to have the ultimate power and feed on it like a beast. I am sure the majority of these men bear 99% of the fault. I attended a divorce recovery group which had as one of the lessons for us to examine our parts in the divorce. I had to be really honest and realized I did have a part in all of it. This was really hard for me to realize. I am by no means not trying to acknowledge the horrible things these men have done to their wives and families. It was just helpful to me to see that little light there. I think it helped me open the door to try and save my marriage.
So sorry to hear your ex mother-in-law is giving you crap. Don't know what your relationship with her was before this. I had a GREAT relationship with my ex's Mom before the divorce. Now we have a strand one. She also only believes what he has told her and does not want to listen to my side. It hurts.
That's the thing about divorce. It not only hurts the spouses and the children...the pain and hurt reaches like ripples of water out to other relatives and friends as well. My ex kept telling me our divorce just had to do with myself and him...it had nothing to do with the kids or anyone else for that matter. I guess he felt better believing in this lie. That's his thing, always about him, no one else's feelings matter unless he wants them to.
stillhurting, the sad thing is my mom passed away 16 years ago. I have been very close to his mom. She loves to talk on the phone--never less than 45 minutes--and he wouldn't answer his phone when she called because he didn't want to deal with her. I would answer and listen to her. Stories I had heard many times, but she was lonely and needed an ear. It was hard to do some days, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
She actually walked out on my stbx dad with some other guy when he was a child. I think he was 8. Didn't stay with the guy, but wouldn't go back to her husband either. And now she is alone. Her marriage to an alcoholic ended in divorce.
So her words stung. I thought we were close. But blood is thicker than water as they say.
Susan, my stbx said the exact same thing. This is only between us. They are so delusional to think the kids are not affected. That the family won't take sides--his side of course. Well except his dad. He has been very kind to me. The only one of his family. Of course, he has been in my shoes. So I think he is the only one that understands.
Barb, I lost family on his side, people I cared about, maybe they all didn't care about me, but there were some who contacted me after the divorce, but in time, because of the divorce his side drifts away because I think that is just natural, family does tend to stick together. I just think it is sad that I not only lost a husband, but also a whole family, meaning all his relatives, because of his selfishness. They let go because he let go. So I had to let go too...I just think it is sad