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OH Yes I got blamed for EVERYTHING in our marriage. After the divorce was final I got a email from him telling me one last time why it was all my fault. No responsibility for any of it on himself.
According to him EVERYTHING (from home improvements to where we went on vacation)he agreed to in our marriage was against his wants (did he ever say so, NO). Guess I was supposed to be a mind reader.
Yes we had sexual problems but was it really all MY fault because I was abused as a child (he got a book from my counselor and never read it), or that I was tired from a full day at work and then coming home and most days working till 10 to take care of things at home? Or that I NEVER got romance from him that made me want sex? I told him years ago that I needed foot-rubs/back-rubs without having to have sex afterward or having him take me out occasionally. Never happened.
I spent most of my inheritance from my dad to better OUR lives. His went to toys for himself yet I was supposed to put making the garage warm over remodeling the bathroom. Again did he say anything at the time? NO. Only after the fact did it get thrown in my face.
I never responded to his email. Figured explaining things to him at this point one more time was a waste of time on my part. He is going to believe whatever he needs to make him comfortable with himself.
What losers they are.
I think a lot of it is guilt. It has to be our fault. If not, they have to take some responsibility. I have got it from him too. His mom calls me and goes off on me about how I am at fault with a whole bunch of bs I know he told her. Big surprise. I am done talking to all of them. I know the truth. My girls know the truth. Someday they will get theirs for all the lying and pain they have caused. It will come back to get them.
I think it is a question of letting go. They can't let go completely and we can't let go of the hurt. When we become indifferent to their accusations then we know we are there. It is a way to keep the lines of communication open between them and us. It is certainly human nature to try and deflect the blame. In my situation we both had a hand in destroying our marriage! I could not stand up for myself and resentment poisoned me. He had to have the ultimate power and feed on it like a beast. I am sure the majority of these men bear 99% of the fault. I attended a divorce recovery group which had as one of the lessons for us to examine our parts in the divorce. I had to be really honest and realized I did have a part in all of it. This was really hard for me to realize. I am by no means not trying to acknowledge the horrible things these men have done to their wives and families. It was just helpful to me to see that little light there. I think it helped me open the door to try and save my marriage.
So sorry to hear your ex mother-in-law is giving you crap. Don't know what your relationship with her was before this. I had a GREAT relationship with my ex's Mom before the divorce. Now we have a strand one. She also only believes what he has told her and does not want to listen to my side. It hurts.
That's the thing about divorce. It not only hurts the spouses and the children...the pain and hurt reaches like ripples of water out to other relatives and friends as well. My ex kept telling me our divorce just had to do with myself and him...it had nothing to do with the kids or anyone else for that matter. I guess he felt better believing in this lie. That's his thing, always about him, no one else's feelings matter unless he wants them to.
stillhurting, the sad thing is my mom passed away 16 years ago. I have been very close to his mom. She loves to talk on the phone--never less than 45 minutes--and he wouldn't answer his phone when she called because he didn't want to deal with her. I would answer and listen to her. Stories I had heard many times, but she was lonely and needed an ear. It was hard to do some days, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
She actually walked out on my stbx dad with some other guy when he was a child. I think he was 8. Didn't stay with the guy, but wouldn't go back to her husband either. And now she is alone. Her marriage to an alcoholic ended in divorce.
So her words stung. I thought we were close. But blood is thicker than water as they say.
Susan, my stbx said the exact same thing. This is only between us. They are so delusional to think the kids are not affected. That the family won't take sides--his side of course. Well except his dad. He has been very kind to me. The only one of his family. Of course, he has been in my shoes. So I think he is the only one that understands.
Barb, I lost family on his side, people I cared about, maybe they all didn't care about me, but there were some who contacted me after the divorce, but in time, because of the divorce his side drifts away because I think that is just natural, family does tend to stick together. I just think it is sad that I not only lost a husband, but also a whole family, meaning all his relatives, because of his selfishness. They let go because he let go. So I had to let go too...I just think it is sad