"I would never do that to you. I have done nothing wrong. I love you. I miss you. I don't know what I am doing, I'm all screwed up. I'm sorry. I am working on my issues. We will get through this. It's just rumours."

Those are the words he has been saying to me since he left 131 days ago. We spent time together, intimate time, every other weekend since he left (weekends he didn't have his daughter) he loves me and misses me and needs me... 4 days ago I confronted him with his "rumour" at her house. His car was in the driveway...took a while for her to answer the door. Middle of the day, they were supposed to be at work. I asked where he was, she said he wasn't there; said she borrowed his car. I barged into the house and demanded to see him, she said he wasn't there. His shoes were right there...I yelled for him to come out from hiding...it turned a little nasty between her and I so he finally came out, to her rescue I guess...yelling at me "What are you doing?"

I can not get the image out of my head, awake or asleep. If I sleep I have nightmares of them being together. Everyone tells me ENOUGH, ITS OVER, MOVE ON. Like it is so simple, just click and poof, after 13 years I don't love him anymore and I don't miss him anymore.

I can't do this. It near killed me when he walked out and now this. The lies, the betrayal, the hurt. He is sorry, handled it all poorly, would change it if he could. I am dead inside and the rest of me may as well be. I can't do this. How do I get through this???? How do I stop the pain???

I am so sorry about the pain you are in. I can relate, for me it's been 33 years. I understand how much it hurts to hear that it is time to move on. How you stop loving him I do not know. I don't think I ever will. I still live with my husband so I do not miss him completely but I know it will be devastating when he leaves for good. We are together every night, we spend time together, we continue to share a bed and we are affectionate, but it has become more and more difficut as he accepts all I have to give him but rarely offers anything of his own. He pulls away more each day it seems, and now I hardly ever hear sweet words from him and he pulls away if I try to kiss him. I get a kiss like a grandmother. I miss the way it used to be, I miss feeling special and cherished. The one that he wants is 1400 miles away and I am here with him but it does not matter.
I am sorry for all of us here. The pain of betrayal is the worst thing I have ever gone through. I will add you to my prayers. I pray for all the women here and I pray for myself. Somehow we will find a way to get through this. Somehow we will be whole again. Maybe someday we will be happy again. Hang in there.

More times than I can count I have had to remind myself that God does not want me to be sad and depressed the rest of my life. God's want me to be happy and some day I will be happy.

That's one way I've been able to get through many things. Also, a long time ago someone on this forum wrote "Let go and let God".

I found that the more you hang on to something that is gone... the more pain there will be. As you learn to let go...that is when the pain lessens and then ends. So the real question is...How do I let go?

I think letting go is a little bit different for each person. There is no set time or way to do it. It is more a process of things like:

-giving the heart time to heal

-letting yourself physically and emotionally heal

-setting aside memories for a while

-learning to focus on yourself and your children while letting your ex and the other woman go

-start planning what could be and what might be for your future

-learning to release the pain and anger in functional ways keeping yourself busy and moving

- by talking to other and writing things down to get them out and then trying not to go back to these things so often once they are released

-by doing new and different things in your life, making new friends, opening new doors, seeing what else life has to offer you that you may have never thought of

-by getting counseling if things seem to be getting to dark and heavy for you to deal with yourself

-by finding the faith to just hold on and push through (I found my faith in Christ when I could not do it myself)

-learn to love yourself again, enough to let go and grab on to what you do deserve

(These are just some suggestions... other's on this forum I'm sure have more.)
Susan

I've been there. I have heard every possible explaination and every sorry word too. Men like this will not change. You have to face that. If you want to keep hurting, you can keep going back. I thought leaving was the worst possible outcome. It is not easy, but if I can do it you can. I put up with crap for 27 years. I did not realize I was co-dependent and it took me that long to have the courage to get out. It would have taken my life. You will get to that point. This stress is taking years off your life like it did mine. I'm going through divorce now after seeking lots of help and advise and its hard, but I cannot believe I did not do it sooner. I don't beat myself up though because I did my best and it just took this long for me to get here. As someone told me "you will know when you have had enough". Don't waiste another day with someone show doesn't truly care about you. Not sure if you have a daughter or another female relative you are close to, would you tell that I would not wish mine on my worst enemy. You can do. Get help today. I'll pray for you.

Know that it is really the worst at first. I was sure I could not possibly survive. It was a 30 year marriage for me. I remember the pain so vividly. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. It's been over 4 months now since he left. Lying, of course, about why. Found out later about her. But the pain is further apart and so dulled now. Healing is taking place, I know. But only because I have put all my trust in God to carry me though this. My faith is what has saved me. But take heart, it does get better.

He has been calling and messaging me since Sunday. Says he is sorry and made a mistake. Asked if there was any way we could attempt to fix everything. I asked him if he had ended it with her; he said no. I asked him if he would end it; he said not today. I asked again if he would end it and he said he didn't know. I told him that we had nothing to discuss until he ended it with her. Guess what, it was all my fault again because I was giving him an ultimatum and boxing him in which he would not tolerate. Then I got the good ole "I regret the day I ever met you". Will I ever learn???? I let him in just to be hurt again...i am consumed with this...I drive by her place to see if his car is there. I drive by his place to see if she is there. despite all the pain, I can't let go. I still love him and I miss him desperately and yet I know I deserve so much better. Is something wrong with me????

There is nothing wrong with you it is him! I wish I had the power to make us all not care anymore about these poor excuses for men. A real man doesn't have such a fragile ego and can love just one women. They can grow to appreciate even more the one who is there and was there for them. I understand the crushing pain that comes with betrayal. We all have suffered and still are suffering from this. It is easy for us to sit back and judge your actions but we do the same thing. We grasp at any sign the nightmare will end. Even if it does the damage has been done. I will also pray for you. We all know in our hearts that our marriages are over. It just hurts to much right now to admit it.

There is absolutly nothing wrong with you. Dont ever think that. God's plan is that we stay with the men that we marry, that is why we fall the way we do.Does it mean that we must stay through all the garbage? No. Trust me, I know of which I speak. I stayed through years of cheating, everything from affairs to prostitutes. I even tried to make it work after he molested two of our children. How much is too much? That is the question. I am sure the answer is different for all of us. For me it was far more then most women and for you it needs to be what you decide. If he is not willing to give her up then only you can decide how much more you are willing to take. My problem was that I am a Christian and I was a firm believer that God hates divorce, and I know it is true. But I also know that he loves me more then he hates divorce. He is a gracious and merciful God that loves us more then we could imagine. He wants us to be whole but the answer to that wholeness if different for each of us. Maybe taking a stand and letting him know that as long as she is in the picture there is no hope for you marriage. If he gets angry and rejects it then that might be your answer. My husband had such a HUGE sexual addiction there was nothing I could do to compare. The sad part is that the same merciful God that loves me, loved him enough to heal his addiction.He is not the same man now but his actions fractured our family so much that no matter how much we loved each other it could not work. The law says we cannot be together. God loves you and is for you no matter what your decision. He loves you not matter how it ends up. We ask ourselves "What is wrong with me that I cant let go?" I asked myself "What is wrong with me that I dont feel I deserve better then a child molestor?" Truth be told, God loves us so much that he wants us to have more. More in life and love, even if it only with Him. Dont go by feeling because they will always lie to you. Trust God and let him lead you.

Just a side note...I did not mean to say that it is sad that God loves my ex. What I meant to say is that God loved him enough to deliver him but we still cant be together. He is a good man now but our lives have been forever altered and fractured by his actions and that changed everything for us.