I realized that part of my problem is that I am so ashamed. Ashamed to say I am getting divorced, that my husband left me, that I am unemployed and am not supporting myself, so ashamed.

I have good and bad days. I am going out, making new friends, trying new things, every thing to try and recover, but at the end of the day, I am still ashamed and I don't know how to get past it.

I saw inside the mail box that mailman put a note to forward my husband's mail and I felt so humiliated that now the mailman knows. It doesn't matter that I have family and friends rallying around me saying things like, you are better off without him, and anyone would be lucky to have a woman like you. I still feel so ashamed. And I have no excuse. I know some of you have it so much worse and I try to tell myself quit being a baby about this and move on. But nothing I try has helped.

I feel like the shame is plastered all over me and now everyone knows the truth - I am a failure in the most important thing in my life.

I feel the same way somewhat embarrassed my husband has got a pobox so the mailman knows. We are selling our house after 2 years so I guess the neighbors realize something is going on I never told them its embarassing I only tell a few close friends that my husband is leaving. I would like to meet somebody who is going through this but I don't really know anyone to talk to. I also have friends say you will meet someone else and be happy but I can't see that right now. I still have to live with him until the house sells and it sucks because sometimes I think maybe he will change his mind and work on the marriage but deep down I know that will never happen so how do I move on when I have to see him all the time. He moved on in his heart but I haven't. I do feel like a failure this was not suppose to happen to my family. divorce sucks

I remember when it all first happened and I found out he was having an affair and then he choose to walkout on his family for her. Of course he would say it was only me he walked out on and no one else should care or matter. He claimed he wasn't walking out on the boys because he would be there for them, but he destroyed a family to get what he wanted, not just a wife. He destroyed many relationships because of what he and his girlfriend did and she destroyed things on her side because she was married as well.

At first I was so ashamed of it all. I couldn't believe he was doing what he did and how disrespectful and uncaring he became. But I began to think about things. I began to look back at how it all started and I thought to myself, WAIT!!!! This is his shame I am letting myself feel. Shame brought about by himself and his girlfriend. It wasn't mine or my children's or anyone else's for that matter. They both were sneaking around and enjoyed themselves while destroying the lives of others. They both cheated and lied to their family members, they both gave things away that were not meant to be given to each other, they laughed and played while allowing the destruction of homes, property, accounts, relationships, memories, hearts, promises, securities, lives etc.....

No, no one is perfect and every husband and wife will always have issues to work on, but I was willing to try. He already knew he was on his way out. He was so cold and mean, but I was still willing to work with him for what we once had...he was willing to just throw it all away to get something new and different. He always wanted more. I just never thought he would give up our family for it. When I stand before God and he asks about my marriage I can picture myself looking into His eyes as tears roll down my face and tell Him I did my best, I didn't want this to happen. I wounder what my ex will have to say to Him??? No matter what people say and do on this earth, only God knows us all from the inside out and he knows where the true shame falls. So let the shame go when you let your ex go...let that shame go with him as well. Worry about what God thinks, not what the neighbors think or anyone else. Let go of the shame that isn't your's to bare. My ex wouldn't take any shame so I just left it at the foot of the cross and put it in the Lords hands.

Susan

Oh, sweetie: THe shame belongs to HIM...

I know that doesn't help, because you feel it is YOUrs. It is not. Can you get into counseling?
Hugs and Love

P.S. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse, and felt no shame......I let everyone know why...HE was a failure, not me.

Hugs, Alicia

P.S...The "most important thing in your life" ...is YOU and who you are.

Most of the time when we feel shame, etc., we don't realize others don't give a whole lot of thought to it, but we internalize it and make it huger than a mountain, meanwhile others are going about their lives, NOT thinking about you or what you are experiencing.
In time, they will hardly think of it at all, unless you bring it up.

I understand, you can become SO consumed by the feelings of shame and what others think of you.....it was probably only a blip (if at all) about the mailman, etc.......Try to work n putting in perspective; I do know how hard it is. Use all of the resources you can, friends, family, journaling, reading, counseling...Hugs, Alicia

I feel such deep embarrassment, such shame. After only 2.5 years my husband left on vacation almost 6 weeks ago and then sent me a text in less than 24 hours that it was a one way trip. "You get everything and I get to leave." All he left me was horrific debt we had gotten into, my disability income and an actual mess too. He left almost all of his belongings to run away from home. Not even a picture of me went with him. I'd seen him do it to his family, I'd seen him cut people from his life, yet I remained niave and believed in a love he can't feel.
My daughter and grandchildren had moved home and he had become a big part of everyone's life. But he had started complaining about them constantly. He knew he was running away from home. He abandoned us all and immediate began a new life with new friends, new family found and women in So California. I'm in north Oregon.
So why am I ashamed? It is my FOURTH divorce, and the SECOND in less than 7 years my neighbors have seen me go through. What is wrong with me? And what is wrong with my judgement that I didn't see it coming? The list goes on and on. Just when I thought I was making some progress my daughter told me today that she finally let someone know that he had left. I choked on my shame and the tears filled my eyes.
Oh sure, they all say I'm better without him, how difficult a man he was, and so on. But he was my husband.
I have a doctor and he says that I'm progressing alright given what I've been through and what's happened. But I feel like I'm a mess, kinda pathetic.
I have to file bankruptcy and take care of a mess of things and I feel paralyzed most days. I learned today that I can't afford to file for divorce while a bankruptcy is pending. Ugh, I still have this name to carry around.
For the second time I'm going to a pretty mellow group dance lesson tonight my friend told me about. I went last week and fought tears the whole time because I just couldn't keep up, or so I thought. So now I'm going to try to go back tonight.

Oh, I could whine on and on and it wouldn't help a thing. I had to smile to myself when I read the response that people were telling them they would meet someone new, better. My own mother told me that was enough men for me, quote. I'm 46 years old and she told me I'd used up my quota. And you know what? I agree.

I guess what it comes down to is that we aren't lame because we feel shame for something THEY did wrong. It seems to be a normal response to some extent.

I was embarrassed at first too. Still have my days. But from what I have learned by this, people arent scorning me, they are scorning him. For most of us, it isnt what WE did but what HE did. I think mine is having his mid-life crisis but he has caused so much damamge. Anyway, most the people I have talked to are ashamed of HIM. Disappointed that he couldnt handle life and just dumped his family, dropped his responsibility. Knowing this has helped. And I know its true. I have sacrificed everything for my family, he never has. I would never drop my obligations no matter how bad I have wanted to or still do, I will not stoop that low. He had no problem. So who do you think is the better person? We are.

Yes, my biggest shame(in my ex )is that he was such a coward in so many ways.

Susan

Susan, as usual, you put into words so beautifully what we all feel. Of course we feel shame. We tried so hard and were willing to do the work to save it, but like you said, they were off having fun destroying lives. So well said. And I also need to leave my shame at the cross. It is his shame, but he is too far into denial to see it.