P.S...The "most important thing in your life" ...is YOU and who you are.
Most of the time when we feel shame, etc., we don't realize others don't give a whole lot of thought to it, but we internalize it and make it huger than a mountain, meanwhile others are going about their lives, NOT thinking about you or what you are experiencing.
In time, they will hardly think of it at all, unless you bring it up.
I understand, you can become SO consumed by the feelings of shame and what others think of you.....it was probably only a blip (if at all) about the mailman, etc.......Try to work n putting in perspective; I do know how hard it is. Use all of the resources you can, friends, family, journaling, reading, counseling...Hugs, Alicia
I feel such deep embarrassment, such shame. After only 2.5 years my husband left on vacation almost 6 weeks ago and then sent me a text in less than 24 hours that it was a one way trip. "You get everything and I get to leave." All he left me was horrific debt we had gotten into, my disability income and an actual mess too. He left almost all of his belongings to run away from home. Not even a picture of me went with him. I'd seen him do it to his family, I'd seen him cut people from his life, yet I remained niave and believed in a love he can't feel.
My daughter and grandchildren had moved home and he had become a big part of everyone's life. But he had started complaining about them constantly. He knew he was running away from home. He abandoned us all and immediate began a new life with new friends, new family found and women in So California. I'm in north Oregon.
So why am I ashamed? It is my FOURTH divorce, and the SECOND in less than 7 years my neighbors have seen me go through. What is wrong with me? And what is wrong with my judgement that I didn't see it coming? The list goes on and on. Just when I thought I was making some progress my daughter told me today that she finally let someone know that he had left. I choked on my shame and the tears filled my eyes.
Oh sure, they all say I'm better without him, how difficult a man he was, and so on. But he was my husband.
I have a doctor and he says that I'm progressing alright given what I've been through and what's happened. But I feel like I'm a mess, kinda pathetic.
I have to file bankruptcy and take care of a mess of things and I feel paralyzed most days. I learned today that I can't afford to file for divorce while a bankruptcy is pending. Ugh, I still have this name to carry around.
For the second time I'm going to a pretty mellow group dance lesson tonight my friend told me about. I went last week and fought tears the whole time because I just couldn't keep up, or so I thought. So now I'm going to try to go back tonight.
Oh, I could whine on and on and it wouldn't help a thing. I had to smile to myself when I read the response that people were telling them they would meet someone new, better. My own mother told me that was enough men for me, quote. I'm 46 years old and she told me I'd used up my quota. And you know what? I agree.
I guess what it comes down to is that we aren't lame because we feel shame for something THEY did wrong. It seems to be a normal response to some extent.
I was embarrassed at first too. Still have my days. But from what I have learned by this, people arent scorning me, they are scorning him. For most of us, it isnt what WE did but what HE did. I think mine is having his mid-life crisis but he has caused so much damamge. Anyway, most the people I have talked to are ashamed of HIM. Disappointed that he couldnt handle life and just dumped his family, dropped his responsibility. Knowing this has helped. And I know its true. I have sacrificed everything for my family, he never has. I would never drop my obligations no matter how bad I have wanted to or still do, I will not stoop that low. He had no problem. So who do you think is the better person? We are.
Susan, as usual, you put into words so beautifully what we all feel. Of course we feel shame. We tried so hard and were willing to do the work to save it, but like you said, they were off having fun destroying lives. So well said. And I also need to leave my shame at the cross. It is his shame, but he is too far into denial to see it.