Im like you. He was my first and only love. I want to be married, want to have someone to come home to too. So I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been with my stbx all my adult life. Even though I hate him, I miss being a family and having a partner, even having him around. It was a comfort zone in a way to have him here. I dont miss his abusiveness though. And I cant even imagine having the pain I have and having the pain of your husband doing that to your daughters too. I would have killed mine. Or maybe do a bobbit on him. Im sorry you are going through this crap. Dont ever think your feelings are crazy or strange. My stbx's biggest fault was that he never took my feelings for MY feelings. If he didnt feel the same way about things then I was wrong. Thats crap. We all feel what we feel and should never be judged by our emotions/feelings but accepted as them being OURS. It doesnt matter if anyone else feels the same way, although I assure you most of us do. We all are different and our feelings whether or not anyone AGREES with them are our feelings and should be respected as such. Hope that made sense. Not sure how else to put it. And trust me, a lot more "strange" things will cross your mind. My stbx has emotionally abused me for 23 years. He is one of the most selfish people I have ever known, but sometimes I cant help wanting to get back together which he has been hinting of. Theres no way I want to go through this again, but still the want is there. So hang in there. We are all with you and we do understand everything. Keep coming here. The wonderful ladies here have kept me sane. Hugs.
I'm so sorry for the pain your family is experiencing. You have found a safe place to help you deal with these crazy emotions. I can guarantee you that anything you feel, someone here can relate to. Our stories are all different, but so many of these emotions are the same. Keep posting. We care.
Oh my gosh Dina! I'm so sorry. I hope that your girls have gotten help to deal with all that was done and that they are doing ok.
How you feel is totally understandable. I too miss being married. I'm sure its even more hard for you because he was your first love. Just because of what he did...your feelings and the mourning over the end of the relationship doesnt go away just like that.
Please try to have faith that this wont be forever. Although we all ended up with men who hurt us, there are alot of good ones out there. You will find someone one day..someone who will be true to you and good to your children. It may take a while and it will be hard..and lonely too, but you did the right thing and will find your happiness.
Thank you all for your kind words. I am glad I found this website. I was just needing someone to talk to that could understand. I have friends that are divorced but they are all passed this point or they were glad to be done with it all. Although my husband did what he did, it doesnt make it any less painful to lose a relationship. I spent 23 years of my life with this man and there are feelings and emotions that cannot and do not disappear over night. I am trying to keep myself busy, going to school to get my teaching degree, working, raising my kids. Itis hard but I am taking it day by day. Constantly praying God will give my heart freedom from this. Thanks again for all your kind words.