I'm 39 yrs old and have been with my husband for 25 years (yeah - we started dating when I was almost 15). We have a 7-yr old son. I recenlty decided to leave my husband for a number of reasons, but primarily because I am tired of feeling like I am living in a prison! He doesn't want me to leave and tells me how much he loves me and wants me to stay, but when I tell him I am leaving he gets angry and starts calling me names or saying other mean things. I remind him that "THOSE" are some of the reasons I am leaving but says, "Yes, I say things when I get mad - but you know I don't mean it." OK, yeah - but those 'things' you say still are very hurtful.
He is a name caller and is very condescending .. "Did you get YOUR dishes done?! You're home (sick) you think you could have cleaned the f'n house! You're so f'n lazy! You're an f'n lazy bi*ch!" He questions EVERYTHING I do and EVERYWHERE I go. If I say, I'm going to go to my sister's house (8-miles away) he'll say, "Why do you wanna go there?" If I say at 10am, "I'm going to go to the city to shop, he'll say - "NOW, if you were going to do that you should have done it earlier!" But insists that I always do whatever I want. We went to counseling but he only showed up for ONE session; he told me he felt bombarded yet when the counselor agreed to meet with him alone to talk about his feelings about things he refused to go. This told me he didn't want to work at it. With all that being said, I still have mixed feelings ... primarily because he will ask me over and over again to stay. "You sure you wanna leave me? You sure you wanna give up on our family? Is this really what you want? Are you really going to do this? How can you do this to us? We don't have a bad life together, you're ruining it!" ....
I feel guilty - for taking my son away from his father, for doing this during a finanically trying time and wondering if I am doing the right thing.
Am I being selfish?
I am very concerned that financially we won't be able to make it. But I cannot let this fear hinder my goal of being FREE!
No, you are not being selfish. He is a verbal abuser....took me 25 years to find the answer/book which saved my life....I would say, RUN do not walk and get this book....The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...
It is rarely a good idea to get into counseling with an abuser and I did that, not knowing....major disaster.
Abusers are acting out their anger and rage at whatever was done to them in the past (usually). They are very insecure.
He is also....abusing your son. Use all of the resources you can...the book I mentioned and counseling for YOURSELF only.
Abusers rarely think they are abusive or have any problems, it is ALL your fault.
A good question for him: What behavior(s) are you willing change?
Most likely.....None. I finally got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. It was excruciatingly scary, but one sentence helped me make the decision:
"Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.......win."
You are wasting your breath when you respond..he doesn't care what you think, say or want.....Only HIS needs are important...emotional blackmail.
As for "we don't have a bad life together, you are ruining it."
Maybe HE doesn't have a bad life.....but YOU do......YOU are not ruining it.....HE is.....with his verbal abuse and controlling behavior. It is of no use to explain anything, they will always turn it back onto you and take NO responsibility for their behavior.
Thank you for your thoughts. I am trying to stay focused on what I feel is best for both myself and my son. Thank you again. Hope you have a wonderful day.
Thank you Chris,
I know he is very manipulative and is continuously trying to convince me to change my mind. Again, I am trying to stay strong and remain steadily working towards my ultimate goal of being "FREE".
Hope you have a fantastice day.