If the two of you can reach some agreements than that's great. The less you have to deal with through attorneys of course is better. However, if you are thinking of raising your flag just because you want all of this to go away and are afraid of the legal fees, PLEASE think hard before doing that.

That is what I did and I am paying dearly for it now. My ex also didnt care about being fair and had no concern for me. I too was afraid of the money I would have to spend...money I didnt have, and I just wanted to settle everything and get away from him. The combination of the two...me giving in, and him not giving a crap about me, left me in a very bad situation financially.

I took the easy road..what was easier at the time, but I didnt look at the big picure and how it would affect me down the line. I wish I could take it back and fight now because I only made things alot worse for myself....and I have no one to blame for that but me.

Whatever you decide to do...please dont back down. Fight for what you deserve because no one else will do it for you. You have to for your future.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you about my own experience. There comes that point when you say, "Enough is enough." You have fought for what you could and know you have done your best to get where you are, but you hit that brick wall that tells you it is time to sit down and lay the cards on the table. It's not that you want to give up or quit...it's the point where you have to connect with each other to bring about a solution and you both have to come to this point together at the same time to get this solution.

I know exactly how you feel. I reached a number of these points throughout my divorce. You are waving that white flag, not as a statement of "giving up", but rather as a statement of "lay down your weapons and lets talk our way through this." Usually at this point I would ask God to help me know what to say and do. I would pray for him to lead me in the right direction and ask him to soften the heart of my ex and remind my ex of what we once had together.

Divorce is a back and forth process that continues until all agreements are reached by either the husband and wife or they are settled in the end by the judge. It all depends on how long people want to fight over issues or weighing out if something is worth fighting for or not depending on the future outcome. There were times I gave more than I thought I had to, but there were also times that he had to give me more than he wanted to as well. You may have more walls to face during your divorce or you may solve things quickly just to get it over with, it is all up to you and your ex how long the divorce takes. Just remember you are fighting for your life and you do not want to look back with any regrets. Make sure you fight for what you deserve, but also remember you have to weigh out things like, your children, your health, your emotional state etc...and know when not to fight as well. I always asked the Lord to help me know when it was time to fight and when it was time to let go and he always did. There were a number of battles like this until the end was the end and I knew it was over.

I don't know if this will answer your question or not, but at least you know you are not alone, we all have to make these choices even though we did not ask to. You are in my prayers,

Susan

I was willing to just walk away with nothing, just leave, maybe not even say good bye and get away from him once and for all. I personally would have been happy and content for life if I was allowed to do this. To me it was really what is this fight going to gain except for money and not much of that.
However my ex had another plan and he destroyed a family in the process. He did not want a divorce and told the courts that I had million hidden and he would not settle until I agreed to give him half and pay him spousal support for life, so for three years the battle went on until I finally got a trial. I guess the battle was worth it (tens of thousands of dollars, well over 50.000) to not have to pay him half of the hidden millions, the only problem was that there was not a dime hidden.
Looking back i would have still gladly walked away with nothing just to be free of him, but only you know if you have reached you full point or not.

ld,

I remember all those issues you had with your ex when we were on the forum in the past. I hope you win the lottery someday and have a few million to flash around. That would really be justice served on your ex.

Susan

You are so funny Susan thanks. But I bet what would happen if i won the lottery is he would take me back to court and say that the millions were the ones I had hidden just to have me spend it all agian in attorney fees. I am so glad to be rid of him.
There is nothing like being free!! This is a song we sing at church, the song at church means to be free because of what Jesus did for us, but it sure applies to the being free from the ex also.
Susan, How are the boys? How old are they now?

The boys are doing good, but they're both teens now and I can still see issues with them from the divorce and being teens as well. One is 14 and the other is 16. I think slowly the boys and I are healing and moving on. I also feel that free feeling. Life is not easy for sure, but to be away from someone who was so miserable and controlling at times has it's blessings. He still only lives a few miles from me with his girlfriend and comes here to get the boys, but he hasn't been to bad. He took me back to court about a year ago and got what he wanted(reduced payment) so he is satisfied for now. It is also a lot better for me dealing with him and issues because all that emotion is gone, when the love fades the emotions fade with it. Hope you and your family are fine as well. I often think of some of the other women we don't hear from anymore. You are all in my thoughts and prayers as well as all the other women here on this forum.
PS: I think you are right about your husband trying to claim the lottery money. How did we end up with such selfish men?
Susan

Susan, reading your post hit me like a hammer to the head. I am in that space now. I have finally had my eyes opened by God to see exactly how I have been abused/cheated/deceived by my husband. I found out a week ago that he has a new girlfriend who is 15yrs younger than me with a child. This to me is still Adultery just like the other one he had the affair with, nothing but Adultery.

To say this almost made me collapse in a heap and hide from the world, at least I now know he has moved on and is not coming back to me. I did everything I could to hang onto my marriage of 21yrs, but he couldn't have cared less if I had drowned! I am drowning in sorrow now feeling stupid for thinking that he still cared about me. Now all I feel like old used goods and not worth anything.

I am like Alone on this post, was trying my hardest to keep my marriage, but now I have to admit ITS OVER!
I have no option now but to look after me and its only been with prayer and Gods guidance that my EYES ARE NOW WIDE OPEN!

Why did I waste my time on such a loser? I feel so stupid, but he is the perfect manipulator, he has proven that.

The icing on the cake for me was he took his new mattress to his mothers 70th birthday celebration to meet his family! That was the nail in the coffin, total disregard for me and how I would feel. I am also feeling very betrayed by my in-laws, how could they allow their son to bring another GIRL into their home when he still has a wife?

Well now its all about me, as much as it hurts, I know the pain will ease. Love to all on this site for healing and happiness

I signed his separation agreement without legal advice because I just couldn't handle his pressure tactics and his accusations that I was trying to ruin him professionally and financially. I gave up and I gave in to him. The agreement is all about him and I now foolishly will pay as a result of signing. If you can work it out with him, all the power to you. We started with a verbal agreement but when I got the document it was so much different. Be careful and make sure your rights are protected. Write everything you agree to down and both of you need to sign it. Then take it to a lawyer and have it formalized....

Yes, I know what you mean. We talked and had a verbal agreement at first too but when the papers came it was pretty much his opinion of how he wanted things to be. What he says now is "it's everything we talked about." Yes, it is evertything we "talked about". But it's not what we agreed to. We will be talking again soon.

We just signed our papers last week. It's been 13 months since he moved out. He wanted a quicky divorce. He thought I'd panic and go along with anything he came up with. I didn't crumble and he had a much bigger fight than he expected. He left in April and each month told me to tell him home much $ I needed and he'd transfer it into a joint account. I'd pay mutual bills from that. That worked well for awhile. I always had proof of where every dime he gave me went. Then, in September, he decided the divorce should be finalized and that he wouldn't give me another dime until it was. So come October the mortgage went unpaid, as did many credit card bills. (Of the 3 cards in my name, 2 of them I never used. He used them and the debt is in my name. How stupid was I?) So the house comes close to foreclosure before my attorney threatens his attorney with a court date and Jerk finally coughs up child support and temporary support with the mortgage. He was trying to bully me at every turn. I knew he was anxious to settle this, so I waited him out. I sent him a proposal. There were 2 points on there I knew he'd dislike, but my attorney advised me to ask for them anyway...you never know. I was right-he didn't like it. So I once again waited him out. When he began to verbally threaten me with thigs I wouldn't get, etc., I sent him a letter and cc'd it to my attorney, stating that any communication we had regarding the divorce would be handled via e-mail or through the attorneys, and that I refused to tolerated any more of his verbal abuse. So the e-mails back and forth started. I'd wait a few days before responding to him (hey, 2 can play that game ) and it drove him crazy. He called one day and asked if we could discuss this. I reminded him that I refused to tolerate being threatened any longer. The phone conversation was relatively productive. Then, a couple of weeks later he asked if he could come over and if we could sit down and finalize our ideas. He promised me, unprompted by me, that it would be of a friendly nature and we could stop the conversation at anytime. We did sit down and finalize things then and there. I had to give in on a few points I didn't really want to, but I would have lost those in court had I gone in front of a judge so I figured I'd might as well agree. My attorney reviewed it and there was nothing in there that looked like blazing guns so I did sign it.

Once again this all-about-me-post does have a point. I did throw up the white flags, but not because I had to but because the time had come and I was OK with the outcome. If it is really OK, then I'd say go for it. If it is because you are exhausted and want to be done at all costs...patience does pay off. Let us know how it goes.

Hello Mrs. Miller,

If it helps, I think you are a good Mom. You may be fighting two battles...one in the divorce and the other one over your ex. A part of you may still be holding onto hope that things will go back to normal and when he called you names, ..well..that hurts.

Custody arrangements such as him picking up your son and going to his family should be his responsibility. If he forgets, then that's fine....just let him do it on his own.

If you can come to an agreement, it is easier on the pocket book...but if not, then the lawyers will deal with it...one way or another, it will be resolved.

Hang in there.