That is too great. When we are the receiver of all the crap it can, in the future, make our lives better. In some sorted way I guess they are really doing us a favor by leaving or doing things that force us to leave. The future has endless possibilities. I know that it might not feel like it now but there is a world out there that most of us have never even gotten to experience. If we married our first loves and never experienced any other love we have that possibility. If we have been stay at home moms for most or all of our marriage,now is the time to renew old dreams. It is never too late to get a degree, volunteer with your favorite organization, get a part time job working at something you enjoy. If we believe that our lives are over then we are pretty much guarenteeing that they are. If we believe that our marriage defines us then it probably does. Does it hurt to get divorced? It most certainly does. Is it scary being alone? It certainly is...at first. Just like anything else in life, we need time to adjust but once we start to get a grip on life without the men that have given us more pain then pleasure, it is time to move forward. Do we still feel love, yes, but that will fade. The one thing that we have to watch out for though, is that we do not let our hearts become bitter. Or atlest that we do not let them stay that way. Our bitterness and hatred does not hurt the men that hurt us, if anything it gives them pleasure. It does hurt us though. I know it feels good for a season but we are the only ones that suffer from the bitterness. My mom told me after my divorce "The best revenge is to be happy?". Let us take that and run with it. Do not let them win. If we stay bitter and angry...they win. We must live to make them regret ever walking away. Ladies...Live and be happy. It is the best revenge. Will it always be easy to live life to the fullest and not look back? No. Will we be able to go to bed each night and never shed a tear? Absolutely not. The important thing is not to give in to the dispair. God has a plan for us all. He never closes a door without opening a window. We have the power to chose how we respond. Let's give it more then our best.God bless us all. We deserve it.

Beautifully said Dina. You are amazing with words. If I do not succeed at saving my marriage, I hope to be happy, to somehow find the courage to make a success of what is left of my life and the loss of my security and all my hopes and dreams for the future. That will be the best revenge and I hope I can pull it off. The only thing yu said that I do not agree with is that the love we still feel for our husbands will fade. I truly do not know if it is possible but I hope to continue loving my husband in some way, for the rest of my life. We have spent 33 years together and those years and all we did during them mean the world to me. I pray that I will find it within my heart to love him always, as a way to honor all we once had. Right now, my biggest struggle is believing that those years meant something to him to. I feel they couldn't have meant much to him as he is now so eager to throw our life together away. But I hope to get past this fear and believe that he once felt everything for me that I know I did for him. If he continues with his divorce, I hope we can get through it with good feelings for each other and manage to be close friends for the rest of our lives.

You're absolutely right. May I rephrase that to say that the KIND of love we have for them will change. I too would like to hold on to some sort of relationship and the good memories of my life with my husband. The love may not go away but it will change. It may cease being that all consuming love you feel now and transition into a friendly kind of love or a love of the memories but in order to heal and move on I think we have got to allow it to fade to some extent. To keep the love as strong as it is right now or has been in the past is to say that we do not deserve to move on but we deserve to be stuck in the past. I love my husband and hope to always be friends but I am asking God to remove that husband/wife love from my heart. For one, because I do not wish to live miserably knowing I will never share that love with him again, and for two, because I want to be able to give that love to someone else in the furture. My husband gave up his right to that part of my heart when he made the choice to cheat and hurt his children. I want to love him but not with the love that is reserved for a husband/wife relationship. God will replace that love with something just as special for your ex but give you the freedom to love again if that is what you desire. Even if you do not desire to be married again, ask God to replace that love for your own sanity. It will help you move forward. Notice I didnt say "move on." I know we dont always move on, not right away anyway. But we should always be moving forward.

Great post, Dina, and I couldn't agree more. I am beginning to feel more and more indifferent towards Jerk. When he messes with my kids I become a Mama Bear, but otherwise it's complete indifference...and it drive him crazy. I respect the feelings so many of you have...that strong love you have towards your husband, ex or stbx. The love you have spent years nurturing. I'm in such a different place. I guess when he quit responding to my love so many years ago I began to let go of him piece by piece. Then when he left physically it didn't take me long to have any love towards him completely fade. I don't look back on my marriage with the fond memories so many of you have. I look back on my marriage and see the constant pain he caused me, and I'm relieved he can no longer do that to me.

I also look back on my marriage with some fondness, but mostly with relief that I won't be at the mercy of his unpredictable temper.

I won't have to let questionable people into my home because he vouches for them, "friends of a friend", only to have them steal everything that isn't nailed down (3 tv sets, 2 brand-new sleeping bags, 2 weeks' worth of groceries, and too many small but valuable items to mention!)!

I won't even have to let him into my home!

My heart goes out to you. My ex had a hot temper sometimes, also (Aspberger's Autism I found out many moons later). My daughter and I "walked on eggshells" when he did bother to come home from the Strip Clubs and Hooters so late or early in the a.m. Thank goodness he didn't have any "friends" who disrespected our home and belongings, but I had neighbors who did, but they did not steal, but entered our home when only our teen daughter was home and not when we were which is inappropriate, also.

My mother TOLD me I was "done with men, I'd used up my tickets to ride... " basically. She reminded me repeatedly to not think about the next man, etc. When I reassured her that I felt allergic to a man's touch and immune to charm she was suddenly concerned I would be bitter. Funny coming from her... Anyway- At this stage, 6 weeks post husband ran away from home, after this HUGE rejection and abandonment on the heels of a life that's seen too many addicts and psychopaths ... It is a RELIEF to me to think ex will be the last. I never have to do this again. Oh sure, I can. I get get back out there with my dirt-bag magnet and get started all over again, but I choose the reletive peace of my dog. I choose to take care of that Dana within that get's trampled in these relationships where I find myself spinning double time to please a "him".
My daughter and I have LOTS of discussions about God's plan for us. I'm a believer that God put most things in motion in the beginning with cause and effect and freedom of choice. God didn't make a man violate me or abandon me. That would be the other team,the bad guys. But God's is here to help me and give me the strength to make some sweet cool lemonaide baby and I'm gonna do it! As soon as I calm down from a recent bought of rage that feels very non-productive. I am SO blessed I worked through rage young and know that acting on this would be disasterous. I taught my daugther something that will help us all.... be careful what kind of memories you make for yourself... you're stuck with them for the rest of your alert life. Living well IS the best revenge. It does not harm, improves your life and leaves behind any ill wishes they may have for us. It makes their venom worthless.
peace. Dana

Dana,
Each beginning and ending in our lives leaves us with a little more wisdom if we allow ourselves to learn from life. I have learned life is messy and no one is perfect. This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I was a perfectionist as a teen and young woman and thought if I worked hard enough I could always make things workout how I wanted them to. But I see that isn't true. Only God is perfect...we are human. I heard a preacher once say...A man without God can work and gain the whole word, but when he falls hard he doesn't always get back up....but when someone has the Lord in their life...no matter how many times they fall, He is always there to pick them up. He knows we are not perfect, he also know how hard you have tried with relationships...maybe you are on the right track now taking care of yourself and learning to put your love into yourself rather than a man right now...but don't give up either. Who knows what blessings God has for your future. There may be someone stable and loving that God has waiting for you, but perhaps as you have stated God allows things to happen for reasons so you learn and grow and know who you are before you meet the right person for yourself. I have learned so much from my divorce that I can not even begin to list everything, and I also, like you, have learned to take some time for myself to grow, to heal, to ponder upon what I have learned...and then move on. Never give up faith or hope, if you wish to meet that special person...like you said...follow Gods path, because who knows your heart better than God, to lead you to the blessings he has to offer. Love often comes when we are not looking, but right now you need some love and attention from yourself, some time to grow, heal, and ponder on things. Let God worry about the rest.

Susan

Dana,I agree with what you have to say. I enjoy the quiet life of viewing my grown daughter on Facebook, spending time with the cat and friends who are good to me as well as you ladies on this web site. I don't need another cheater, Hooters frequent customer, strip club devotee or big spender in my life! Not at almost age 50, been there, done that! Best wishes to you.