Womans Divorce Forum

Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!

Womans Divorce Forum
Start a New Topic 
Disappointed Daughter

I found out today that I disappointed my daughter in how I've handled this situation. She thought I was this strong, independent woman who was in control of everything and knew exactly what to do and when to do it. But I'm really just a sniveling weakling with no backbone. Even my mother said that she thought I was stronger than this. My father passed 10 mos before my husband walked out and handled the whole thing without breaking down.

I'm not angry at my daughter or my mom for thinking this way. I'm just realizing what a fantastic actor I am. All these years I've been scared to death of making a mistake, looking bad in someone's eyes, having low self esteem about how I looked while everyone thought I was this strong independent driven working mother. My counselor even alluded to this "image" I give off a while back.

But the secrets out now and I think my daughter is ashamed of me or maybe even scared of me. Maybe that's why she's gravitating to her father. Because now he is the confident happy one who has grand plans and knows what he's doing and where he's going.

Some of you know I've been living in fear of my daughter moving in with her father and the OW. I was informed via voice mail yesterday of "the plans" for her to spend all of next week with him (it's only been one night every two weeks for last 6 mos) and then he wants her to stay with him for the entire month of July. (She wants to do both of these). It upset me so much I didn't go into work today due to crying so much and I've barely spoken to her since she came home from spending 3 evenings this week with him which is out of the norm.

I'm the type of person who likes to plan things in advance so that I'm prepared (I guess that was my rehearsal for "my act" as the know-it-all mom). But this constant switching of schedules really just knocks me for a loop.

I'm getting better though. It's been 24 hrs and I've come to accept that next week is going to happen and so will July. I just need time to get over the shock and anger and prepare and plan for it.

Re: Disappointed Daughter

"Do not judge a man (woman) until you have walked a mile in his/her shoes." Everyone is great at telling us what we should do and how we should handle things and how we should act but they are not in our shoes. They do not have the right to tell us how to act, how to feel, or how to handle our business. We need to do what is right for us. It is not fun when our kids get caught in the middle but she will see the truth in the end. She knows you love her and it will be alright when all is said and done. As for your mom, let her think what she wants. It does not change the truth. You are strong. You will make it and you will be a great example to your daughter. She will understand when she gets older and realizes that sometimes life hurts and you dont always know just what to do other then the best you can do at the time. Keep doing what youre doing and you will eventually find the strength you need.

Re: Disappointed Daughter


You are a strong, independent woman who is in control. You are also human. Our lives have completely changed. Everything we have worked for, dream about, achieved, has all morphed into something we don't understand or maybe something we don't even want right now. When EVERYTHING you knew to be true for years turns out to be false - you have a right to mourn, to be sad and to grieve, before you move on. Your daughter is just young and will eventually come around.

But was your mom sad when your dad died? Did she cry? Did you tell her you thought she was stronger than this? That she should do better than she is? Seriously, it makes me angry when people think you should just move on without feeling stressed or sad when we have given and invested so much of ourselves, not just into a man/woman relationship, but into years of building a home and a family. We didn't just lose our husbands, we lost a way of life that we worked hard to build and to hold together. We deserve a moment to mourn.

I think it makes us stronger to deal with it, to talk about it, to physically handle it with our tears and our hearts, than to pretend like years and years of our lives never mattered.

Re: Disappointed Daughter

I agree completely. I really believe all the tears I have wept over the last several months are making me a stronger, better, more compassionate person. Of course I wish I had never found myself in this position but now that I have, on my stronger days, I am grateful for the oportunity it has given me to stretch and grow into a better woman.

Re: Disappointed Daughter

My life revolves around my kids. I was in my 30's when I had my children. I had done the things I wanted to do and was ready to dedicate my life to raising my kids. Jerk was never an involved parent. I pretty much was a single parent all along. Everyone knows me to be a strong woman as well. BUT when someone messes with my kids and my time with them, that strong woman doesn't appear to be so strong after all. I have had a really hard time adjusting to Jerk having the kids every other weekend. 2 weeks during the summer last summer darned near killed me! I'm a teacher and chose my career partially so I could be home with my kids during the summer. Then he takes them from me? OUCH! Yes, that's how I feel...as though he takes them from me. He wouldn't do things with us when he lived here, so why does he have the right to do it now? It emotionally drains me. Then he decided he wanted 1/2 the summer. If I had gone to court with this I would have lost, so I gave in on this one, but put in some stipulations...I had first option of being with the kids if he was unable (or chose not) to be AND only 2 weeks, nonconsecutive. The other time was to be split up more evenly. My proposal was that he took his 2 weeks and we did 3-day weekends every other weekend. Funny thing...once I gave in he came back with "I only have 13 vacation days. I don't think I'll be able to take 1/2 the summer this year-but I'm going to try my darnedest." Really? It was all about the control?

Have you grieved the loss of your dad, or is this also playing into your grieving now? My mom was killed in an accident in 2004. I never really grieved this loss, and it was a big one. She was not only my mom, but also my best friend and a business partner. My life was turned upside down. I was so focused on the business at that point that I never really grieved losing her. I eventually gave up the parttime business. Then, when Jerk left and my life as I know it fell apart even further, I began to grieve the loss of my mom, too.

In my long response that turned out to be about me, what I'm trying to say is I fully understand how you feel when it comes to your children being with "him". I know what it's like to lose that outward appearance of being so strong you have worked so hard to achieve, and I know what it's like to have that loss of a parent become a part of this process, too, even though it was so long ago for my mom.

Hang in there, visit here often, and find some things that YOU will enjoy doing. The first many months when the kids went to Jerk's I'd spend the whole weekend in the recliner in front of the TV. Didn't really watch the TV. Just sat there, sad and lonely. Now I save some of those chores I need to do for when they are gone. I spend quality time with them when they are here and do those yucky chores when they are not. This summer I'll be moving and painting when they are gone. Hang in there. You will once again regain your strength, but how could you not need some time to grieve all of this? Your daughter's life was turned upside down, too, and I'm sure she is confused as well. Love her, let her know you are there for her no matter when she rests her head at night, and enjoy every second you have with her when she is with you. (((Hugs)))

Re: Disappointed Daughter

Your personality sounds like mine. I always have to have control over the situation, always have to be the one to swoop in and take care of everything and everyone if theres a problem, always am the one that is looked to to be the "rock". I too feel the need to have everything planned and hate changes.

What I've come to realize is how much pressure I was unfairly putting on myself. As much as I/you want to always have the right answer..always be able to make everything alright, fact of the matter is that we cant. What your daughter is seeing is you being human. That means making mistakes, not always knowing what to do, ect. Strong independent women dont always have all the answers no matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise.

Personally, and this is just my opinion, but I would rather have my child see me as someone who messes up occassionally rather than have him think that people always need to be perfect. I think that although it doesnt seem like it right now, what your daughter is seeing in you is a valuable lesson for her. I mean...do you want her always pressuring herself to be perfect...to make sure she always makes the right choices, and beating herself up (like you are now) when things get tough?

You are not a weakling with no backbone! You are strong and independent...and you are doing the very best you can. Thats all any of us can do.

Re: Disappointed Daughter

Wow...Susan..I feel your pain.

I don't know much about your situation but I think your daughter is 17 years old?...It may not be that she is "scared" of you...but simply that her father and the other woman could be offerring alot of stuff (gifts, extra late hours...etc)...teenagers at that time will go choose and sometimes they choose poorly.

...this situation is exactly what I tried to tell other ladies here. Some of them are still protecting their ex...not being honest to their kids about the stuff ex pulls...they said something about fooling around with women is something between adults...and kids shouldn't know. Then later, their kids will go to Dad (and worse..the OW)...not knowing all the stuff.

..it's just too bad.

All you can do now is stay strong...yes, I still think you are strong and it isn't an image despite what your counsellor is saying.

It's a real disappoitment but if it doesn't work out over there, your daughter will contact you again...just keep the relationship open...very hard on Mom.

Your ex and the other woman will lavish her with stuff...just to twist the knife some more...so be aware of it and talk to your counsellor too.