Six weeks ago: My husband left for a planned vacation trip to see his grandchild's birth and instead he had been planning to run away from home. He sent me a text message that it was a one way trip,..."you get everything, I get to leave." He left me with mess after mess, horrific debt, took half the household income, broke one "heart felt" promise to myself, my daughter, my grandson after another. And yet, all I did was cry, try to clean up the messes, try to get the strength to make progress. This week I have had the most progress. All the while, I have not had the heart or where-with-all to be angry. I felt sadness, shame, regret, some relief even at times, irritation once in awhile, but no anger. UNTIL TODAY.
As any good 12 year old running away from home he left me NO WAY to contact him. So, I took a chance that an email might get through to tell him I was filing bankruptcy, that we could not have a "simple" divorce" until it was done and then only a simple divorce if I had a place to mail him papers and his notorized signatures. Please send an X to show he had recieved it. Now, some days later, I open my email and there is a response from him. As soon as I saw the email address it was like when I saw the first text. My breath burned my lungs with emotion, my chest ached, eyes filled with tears. WHAT? after all my hard earned progress, especially this past week and today I am dragged down to this again. UGH> finally the tears eased and I read the short response.. not an X. "Glad to hear it, blah blah blah to my daughters." I don't HAVE HIS DAUGHTERS ADDRESS. I even have to track THAT down. Isn't it cute how relieved he is that the debt he so richly helped to create will be erased along with my credit. He is glad to hear it.
I want to >>>>>> EDIT>>>>>>>>>>. OH MY GOODNESS. I can't tell you how furious I became. Not even just about the email. About all of it. About all of the messes, all of the responsibility, the fraud, the pain and confusion he caused, his cowardice... It's as if 6 weeks of anger was just waiting around for a moment and it picked today. I feel anxious and tense. Snappy.
AND I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL. I miss my serenity. I miss not being angry with him. I miss seeing him as a mentally ill unevolved child that is not helped by being smacked. I miss my acceptance that things are as they are. I'm so angry! The worst part. I'm still ashamed. I'm still hurt. I'm still depressed. I'm still FORCING myself to be social and try to have a life. I don't work, I am retired/disabled and must do things to keep from being a hermit with only my thoughts to drown me.
I have plans with "meetup.com" tonight for a dinner. My daughter is coming. It isn't a single's thing, it is a social thing. I'm going to meet 10 new people for the first time while I feel like I could puke bile. OH, I hope and pray this passes soon. I truly truly do. I was an angry young woman with reason. But reasons for anger doesn't comfort you or build a content life when your anger is like a knife cutting you apart from the inside out!
Who knew that recovering so much from the despair would leave me wide open for rage.

Dana,

It sounds like you are a very smart, strong person and caring enough to still take care of him. Facing the reality and just doing what needs to be done. The feelings also need to happen. You will get back to that serenity place again because you want to.

I knew that I needed to be with other people even with all the mixed feelings. It reminded me that there was still could be good things in my life if I would allow them.

Meetup.com is a great way to make connections with many different kinds of people. I've been in the divorce process for a while and just found a group that I am interested in.

You sound like you are light years ahead of me and a lot of other people.

Stay strong it makes you how you are, lean on someone when you need to and let yourself feel what ever it is you need to.

I've said it so many times before...I like the anger stage of this process. The emotional roller coaster will stay with you for quite some time. Unlike the old saying goes (what goes up must come down) in this process when you get down you will again pick yourself back up.

I, too, am filing for bankruptcy, and it has made things messy. Every time I think I can actually file the bankruptcy there is some reason I can't. So I'm left with no home, two young kids and no credit. Great way to start over, huh? But I'm determined to rise above it all, be happy, provide for my children, and live life to the fullest. Best wishes to you.

I know this isnt much to say, but I think its so good that you are letting all of this anger out. Some people would choose to hold it in..and what a mess that makes of us.

I think that sooner or later we all go through the anger phase. It will pass just like everything else eventually does. In the mean time just keep acknowledging it and letting it fly..as much as you hate the feeling.

Its so great that you are getting to meet some new people too. Maybe this wasnt the best time for it, but still...what a wonderful thing!

Dear Dana, I know you are going to be OK. You have such a level head about you. I sometimes think God has put us all in these situations to actually save us. These men are flawed. They are selfish and hurtful and users and abusers. We are God's children and he doesn't want our lives which he has given us wasted in this way. I wish we could hear more from those who have gone through the storm and came out to calm seas and bright sunshine. I know they are many and they have so much better lives now than they did. When I was divorced the first time my grandmother told me that in five years I would look back and realize that this was the best thing that could of ever happened to me. She was right. Can you file just on behalf of yourself and leave him to clean up his own mess? You have every right to be angry. Look at this man. Who is going to clean up his next mess? He can run away but his life will catch up with him and it isn't going to be pretty! I also hope you have a wonderful time meeting new friends. Your daughter sounds lovely to go with you. My daughter is my best friend and has helped me alot through the hard times. You are in our thoughts and prayers.