Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
I feel so saddened by your post.
You do deserve to be loved by someone that loves you as much as you love them.
I also worked for a year to improve my marriage to show him that I really loved him. I thought we had a wonderful year. He forgot to tell me he did not feel the same way. He told me he did everything to apease me, that he really did not ever love me. He was still in love with the other woman and I was thrown away by him. I even worked for a few months after he left the day after filing for a divorce. I begged and pleated, and than I stopped.
He will never love me, he will never admit that he loved me. I can not make him/anyone love me. I have come to realize that I will never understand him and the reasons. I am now wokring on preparing me. I am working on moving on with my life. It is hard and most days challenging but I know that the day is coming where I am going to feel a sense of peace and all is all right again.
I hope you can find the feeling that the sense of things will also be okay for you too.
I will keep you iin my thoughts.
You are not alone. We are all here with you, to listen, to cry with you, to rant and rave until you (we) find acceptance.
I do agree that you should start making friends and building a life without him now. Prepare for the worst, hope/work for the best. Part of me wants to say don't give up, he isn't gone yet. But you have to take care of you at this point. You have given so much to him. Its time to give to yourself.
(((Alone))) you have been given some wonderful advice and support, I agree with everyone and also add my thoughts and prayers for you. I worry about you because on the day he leaves for good, I am afraid you will think your whole world has collapsed.
I DO understand. I also feel alone and unloved. But i am learning to open my eyes and see that people DO love me and care for me, i just have been refusing to see it or believe it. the love of your kids and grandkids is REAL. As someone else said, it is a choice. I loved my mom when I was little but after being rejected and abused over and over I stopped. Perhaps a child is born loving who cares for them, but to sustain that love overtime comes from feeling loved. The more you love, the more you get. You love a lot, take some time to feel the love you receive, not focus on your husband's inability to return love. He is one person. His actions have nothing to do with you. You could change yourself in whatever whay you think would please him, it wouldn't make a difference. You are not responsible for his issues, only yours.
I agree that he is being UNFAIR by holding you and comforting you. Wow, this screams of power tripping. How great he must feel, how special and powerful, to have a woman waiting for him and one crying for him and begging him to stay. I know it's hard, but you need to take your blinders off and see him for what he is. i am by NO MEANS saying this to hurt you. I just want you to get mad and protect yourself! THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
My husband of 20 years is my one and only, my first love. I married him when i was 19, so so desperate for love. He told me he loved me. He still does. But his actions speak louder. He goes off to bars (has done all these years) leaves me and kids alone. Calls, says he's on his way home, then never shows up. Oh, he uses drugs too. Charming. He tells me he hates going to the bars, he feels so lonely, so depressed, such a loser. Hmm. Really? All he has to do is come home, I am here. His children are here. So...he'd rather be somewhere he hates doing something he can't stand with people he doesn't know than come home to me and his children? OK, well, then I'd rather pluck my eyelashes out one by one than be with him so excuse me while I look for a pair of tweezers!
Mine would also comfort me, I would fall into his arms, cry into his neck. He was comforting me, protecting me, from someone who was killing me. HIM. It has been a cycle, his causing me pain so I would become more and more dependent on him. I lost myself needing him. This was HARD to realize, hard to accept. But now I know, I can take my power back and change it. And I AM. And now HE is mad. He keeps hurting me but I NEVER run to him. It is making him crazy and me stronger.
Here is what I wish you will do. Go to him, and say you have done everything you could to try to get him to stay and he has made it clear that he won't. Tell him OK, you are willing to accept that. If he goes to hug you tell him NO, you are no longer his wife. Do NOT let him see you or hear you cry again. Go ahead and cry if you need to, just make sure HE doesn't know. If you feel tears coming, just walk away and find something to do. Do NOT share a bed with him. If he won't leave the room, you sleep on the couch. As much as you want to go to him, fight it. If he questions you, tell him he has made it clear he doesn't want to be your husband anymore, and unlike him, you don't share your bed with just anyone. Just flat out, unemotionally say you are practicing living without him. And as someone else said, start building your life NOW, so when he goes, you are ready.
This will do two things, teach him consequences and give you strength. As a result, he will either realize what an a$$ he's been, or you will become strong enough to let him go. Either way, you win. Right now, he doesn't know life without you. He is living large. he has his loving devoted wife and a thing on the side. He has chosen to leave. He needs to understand that means he does not have access to your body anymore. Done. Let him experience what he is getting into. He doesn't know yet because you take him back. he needs to feel the emptiness, the loneliness, how much he will miss you. Meantime, get yourself busy. Take up old hobbies, start new ones. take your ring off (trust me, this was hard for me, but overtime it makes me feel better, stronger, independent. Like I am no longer living a lie).
I strongly suggest doing this now while he is still there. You KNOW you can go to him if you want, but if you CHOOSE not to, you will gain strength. If you wait until he is gone, you will long for him more because that choice will no longer exist.
Mine is still in my house. I am currently taking these steps. I am not saying it's easy or fun, but I am learning to love ME and detach from him. this is my life lesson. To STOP looking OUT THERE for someone to love me, to make me feel safe and secure. No one is there. I have to love me, take care of me, catch myself when I fall. I can do all of these things for others, why not for myself? A true sense of confidence and freedom is growing in my heart. I still have my misery moments, but I can pull myself out.
i absolutely promise you can do this. By focusing so much of your energy on someone who doesn't deserve it, someone who just sucks it up and doesn't return any, you are missing out on all of the joy and beauty life still has to offer you and IS offering you right now at this moment. Take sometime to reflect on all that is good, from your precious grandchildren to the beauty of the sky and the scent of your favorite flower.
One of the best things now is when I wake up, the first thought in my head is NOT of him. It is NOT of despair. I think of him less and less and I am just fine. He doesn't deserve a woman like me, his kind are a dime a dozen. Your husband doesn't deserve a woman like you either. Give yourself some tough love and tell it like it is. See the truth, not your desires. What he did was downright rotten, there's no other way to put it. take a deep breath and put an end to his manipulation. You are much stronger than you think.
I agree with strongspirit. When your husband comforts you & continues to act in emotionally conflicting ways it is most likely for his benefit. He is probably acting out of guilt or protecting himself financially by appeasing you. His behavior is emotionally cruel. When my husband did this, after the fact, I found it to be emotionally patronizing. Please do not compromise yourself financially by approaching the divorce in a perhaps he will come back/I dont want to upset him way. I guarantee that once you get beyond the stage of grieving you are in, you will regret it. It is not going to be healthy or in your best interest to be close friends forever. That is most likely not realistic or his intent once he is with the OW. Once he has moved on & living with the OW, he will yield to her not his ex-wife. I think we can all attest to that. I am not sure it is realsitic to move on & act as if your husband has left while he is still living with you. For him to remain in the home & in your bed is so unbelievably selfish. He is acting out of convenience for himself, not his family. I know that it is hard to hear. It is difficult to be an outsider hearing about another woman in pain. It feels to me like you continue to walk into a hornets nest to get stung over & over rather then tending to your wounds so they can heal. It has to be your decision & right for you. We all do the best we can within our capacity at any given time, even if it is unhealthy. May you find the inner peace to allow yourself to move on in a way that is best for you, not him.
What can I say that everyone else hasn't already said? I wanted to cry when I read your post, because I understand all of it. You can't make someone love you who has decided to give that love to someone else. No matter how hard you try. I also loved my ex with all my heart and soul and I thought ...How, How, Oh How am I going to do this on my own? What am I going to do with all this love? But you will do it, you will make it one day at a time, one hour at a time and maybe even only one minute at a time. Hang in there and hold strong to whatever faith you have...God says someone with even the faith of a mustard seed can move a mountain. I will pray for your broken heart, but God may allow your husband to move on in order for you to receive something better. I know this sounds bitter-sweet, but God can't fill your hands if you have them filled with someone else. You have such great and pure love that someone special truly deserves all that love and you deserve to be loved back just as much. You are in my heart today and as I type this I am asking God to give you the comfort and things you truly deserve in this life. Remember, God does love you. Take all that love you have for your husband and multiply it by 100 and still God's love is so much greater for you. He will not leave you alone. You are in our prayers.
My dear friends, my sisters in this horrible situation, I love and pray for you all. Thank you for your thoughts and understanding, your support is truly invaluable and I appreciate all of you more than you know. Disillusioneddessert girl I will check out the song. Sue and Celia your sympthy and understanding mean so much. Becky, Thank you for the bible verse, as I said I have little religion and I find verses like that extremely comforting. May, you have fought and lost the battle to so I know you have felt this exact pain and survived. Teresa and Kathleen, I will listen to your advice, I have already planned to begin attending a Divorce Care group that begins this summer. I know it will be good for me to get out and it may show my husband that I have a life outside of our marriage. Somehow I think that will come as a shock to him. Kathleen do not worry, I intend to do my best to watch out for my financial future although in all honesty I am not left with a good option. I am seeing a lawyer this week with the papers to see what he thinks. Strong Spirit, it was so good of you to outline a plan for me. I appreciate the thought and time that took. I understand your thinking and see the value in it. But I am not quite ready. The wounded child inside me needs the affection very badly, even when the woman I am knows it is not very real. But the time is coming. I am considering telling my husband that he must move out in July. If I can do that it will still give him time to see what he is missing and be a bit lonely before he plans to go to his OW. Susan I am especially comforted by the thought that God needs my husband to move on so that he can bring something better into my life. On good days that thinking gives me so much strength. On bad days though, I worry that God's plan is for me to be alone for the rest of my life. I do have so much love to give, so much I want to receive that I have not always gotten from my husband. I wish I could believe that God wants me to be happy and that he knows that I want a loving marriage more than anything.
Ladies, I do want to clear up one misconception. It will sound like I am jumping to my husband's defense but it is true. He is here with me, giving affection, sharing my bed, being intimate because I ASKED him to. At first it was part of my plan to show him what a wonderful wife I would be. It is also the wounded child within me needing those things so very badly. He wanted to leave immediately and is often saying that our time together needs to stop. Maybe he was right, had he left 8 months ago I would be that much further ahead in healing. But I do not regret my decision and in truth I do not think he does either. We are closer than we have ever been because of this time. This is not an illusion it is real even if I do not get the outcome I wanted. I would not trade this time for anything even though it has caused me so much pain.
I got through the night ladies. I am feeling fragile today but then I guess we all have those days. It is just a part of this process. It was so helpful to wake today and see all your posts. I can only hope that I will be able to be there for you all if and when you need me.
Thank you again. I am not always Alone. My real name is Cindy
I read your post...and it seems to me that you kept giving...but did you ever think what you need? What would make you happy?...
...and no, it isn't him coming back to you. ...that won't make it right.
If you can answer those question....what makes you happy, and take steps to do them, then you will find some peace.
Cindy, I am so glad to know your real name. I know for a fact that God loves you and wants the best for you. He will fill the void in your heart and help you heal if you give it to Him. I really believe if what you need is a marriage filled with love to make you feel life is complete, He will provide it. . but in His timing. You will need to heal to be able to be ready. I read somewhere, that there could be a man praying for someone like you to come into their life. I think that could be true for you. You are such an amazing woman with so much to give. Know we are here for you every step of the way. Praying for you and ready to comfort you. Do not allow yourself to feel responsible for your marriage failing. It is something in him that has caused it. I felt every word of your post. My love for my husband was the same. Notice I said was. He left me for another woman. And now, nearly 5 months later, the love I had for him is slowly fading. I know it has to be that way to survive this. But reading your post took me back to where I was when he first left. . .a horrible place to be. Slowly you will heal and you can do this. If I can, I know you can. Because I remember telling God the first few weeks after he left that I couldn't do this. I couldn't live without him. But here I am, still alive, and actually most days doing pretty well. With His help and strength.
I let my husband come back three different times within a year to try to make it work. I know a lot of people told me I just should have told him not to come back the first time...but I needed to know I did my best before I gave up on our marriage. I think you are doing the same thing having him stay....not only for comfort and security...but to know that you gave all you have before you let him go as well. I do not regret giving my ex chances even though it did not workout because I know for myself that I did my best and you should not feel bad for having your husband stay as well if that is what you need to heal and let go when it is time. We each have to do what we know we must and each of us is different as well as having similarities because of what we are going through. Your husband is losing more than he will ever know when he loses you. Do not feel bad doing what you feel you need to do to make it through this trying time.
Cindy, I can't add anything more than what has already been said. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you.
You have been together a long time. I encourage you to consider putting your considerable efforts into finding a way to hold and comfort yoursel and begin healing the wound he inflicted with a casual... I never loved you the way I should kind of remark. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT!!??? Cruelty is never ending. Science tells us that when a woman is in contact with someone, a man included, touching, holding hands, being held, that we release more progesterone responsible for bonding. It is one of the things that helps us bond so tightly to our children as we hold them often, even breast feed. Men are no different. A person (aka husband) can be toxic in our life, an emotional black hole that we can never seem to fill. But like a house we have invested too much in to let go, we hang on. We cling to the dream "husband". Well, enough of us do for me to not feel alone in this. The story goes, A man was walking down the road and he heard the hooves of a running horse. He looked to see a man clinging to the running horse and thought to ask, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" To which the man replied, "I DON'T KNOW, AS THE HORSE." We become that man clinging to our habitual ways and our will grasping at our habits and patterns and what Norman Rockwell told us would make happiness in his pictures, only to learn that it is habit energy that his carrying us along and we don't honestly KNOW to where.
My mother is also a conditional love sort of person and EVERY male person throughout my life has either beaten, violated, abused, or abandoned me. When my husband ran away from home 6 weeks ago without any notice I felt a tear in my sould I had never felt before despite my rich history of pain. We are of two minds, our rational mind and our emotional mind. During the pain, sleep deprivation, poor diet and sleep we tend to get lost in the emotional mind with no answers, nothing makes sense. I did some reading on Personality Disorders. I needed to understand how a man had played the role of my loving devoted husband for this long and now just didn't love me, didn't care and was even hostile toward me.
You may find this link interesting, I certainly did: http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/understanding/
And it helped me to begin to bring some rational mind into the whole thing, stop blaming myself and stop believing that I had somehow failed (again) at the most important "job" of my life. We are not in control Alone. We are but human beings. My husband has the "shallow" emotions described on page 2 of the article and was able to amaze me and others by his ability to just dissassociate from me and begin a new life. He didn't have the courage to face me, make a plan, leave in 3 months and you have helped make me even more grateful for that despite the nightmare of problem solving he left behind. He left on vacation and sent me a text it was a one way trip. He also managed to be the center of life and control things by his actions and REACTIONS throughout the marraige. He did the small kindnesses that keep us hooked, believing we need them. My husband fit one of the Personality Disorder's perfectly. His love was manufactured and believeable. SO BELIEVEABLE... but he was not capable of sustaining it and not consitutionally capable of the sort of love that I am and that I understand.
Why do they snap at some point and decide we just aren't good enough, and yet he stays around for the postmortem of your pain? Who knows? There is a song that my daughter listened to when she was younger that I loved with a line in it, "You can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being."
We are on our habit horses, clinging to platitudes and ideas of what "should" work. You are fighting to "make" someone feel something when they may well not be constitutionally capable of feeling it. And that is the agony. Then what? Then we grieve. We grieve the dream of HUSBAND that we have had all these years. We grieve. Acute grief without the meddlings of the significant other takes an average of 6 weeks if left to run a natural course, and then who knows how long after that we still have pain that we work through. You aren't even being granted THAT with this THREE MONTH plan. UGH.
No, it's not fair. It never will be.
God doesn't put emotional black holes in our life to teach us anything. God created cause and effect, and set up free will, choice in the beginning and he watches as humans live in despair and cling to their own will and their own idea of what will make them happy, what will bring them peace. As I've said before, we are like toddlers squirming and fighting to be put down everytime God picks us up after a prayer for help. God will grant us strength, love, fill that massive gaping wound within. Help us to stop wondering how the broken men in our lives don't love us? Aren't we loveable? YES< we are. But do we love ourselves? A girl broke her doll and went to her father at the work bench, "Father, will you fix this." ... "Yes, I will fix it." Again awhile later the child asked, "FAther, please won't you fix my doll." ... "Yes, of course." the Father replied with love. Finally the child stomped her feet in outrage and screamed at her Father, "Father, why won't you fix my doll like you said you would!!!" The father looked lovingly to the child and said, "You must first let it go child. You must first turn it over to me." We are like that child. We are busy with out plans, plots and effort. WE are busy rining the parts of our broken dolls all the while wondering why our Father, why the Lord does not fix them. Because we don't let go. We don't give it over.
Just some ideas.
Don't discount the love of your children. They don't HAVE to love you. TRUST ME. Don't discount even the dysfunctional loves in your life of your parents if there is any at all. One friend, even here in this chat room. My love for you as a fellow sister trying to swim the shark infested waters of what makes NO SENSE with a husband you love, with the love of HAVING A HUSBAND. Don't discount these gifts. The sadness can bleed the things we have to be gateful for until they are pale and unable to give us strength. We have to intentionally talk to ourselves in ways we would talk to a friend. With patience, kindness and concern for our well being.
Right? Wrong? It won't matter. They are going to do whatever they are going to do. You can only look to what you are going to do. Don't throw bad money after good, and don't throw your last sanity after insanity. Pause, sit, and feel that love isn't one person, or two... it is deep and eternal and runs through us all. (PS: EASY FOR ME TO SAY!!!! ha ha ha)
So beautifully stated, Dana. Your words to Cindy are so true for us all. Thank you.