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Re: I hope this is my bottom of the pit post:


I let my husband come back three different times within a year to try to make it work. I know a lot of people told me I just should have told him not to come back the first time...but I needed to know I did my best before I gave up on our marriage. I think you are doing the same thing having him stay....not only for comfort and security...but to know that you gave all you have before you let him go as well. I do not regret giving my ex chances even though it did not workout because I know for myself that I did my best and you should not feel bad for having your husband stay as well if that is what you need to heal and let go when it is time. We each have to do what we know we must and each of us is different as well as having similarities because of what we are going through. Your husband is losing more than he will ever know when he loses you. Do not feel bad doing what you feel you need to do to make it through this trying time.


Re: I hope this is my bottom of the pit post:

Cindy, I can't add anything more than what has already been said. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you.

Re: I hope this is my bottom of the pit post:

You have been together a long time. I encourage you to consider putting your considerable efforts into finding a way to hold and comfort yoursel and begin healing the wound he inflicted with a casual... I never loved you the way I should kind of remark. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT!!??? Cruelty is never ending. Science tells us that when a woman is in contact with someone, a man included, touching, holding hands, being held, that we release more progesterone responsible for bonding. It is one of the things that helps us bond so tightly to our children as we hold them often, even breast feed. Men are no different. A person (aka husband) can be toxic in our life, an emotional black hole that we can never seem to fill. But like a house we have invested too much in to let go, we hang on. We cling to the dream "husband". Well, enough of us do for me to not feel alone in this. The story goes, A man was walking down the road and he heard the hooves of a running horse. He looked to see a man clinging to the running horse and thought to ask, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" To which the man replied, "I DON'T KNOW, AS THE HORSE." We become that man clinging to our habitual ways and our will grasping at our habits and patterns and what Norman Rockwell told us would make happiness in his pictures, only to learn that it is habit energy that his carrying us along and we don't honestly KNOW to where.
My mother is also a conditional love sort of person and EVERY male person throughout my life has either beaten, violated, abused, or abandoned me. When my husband ran away from home 6 weeks ago without any notice I felt a tear in my sould I had never felt before despite my rich history of pain. We are of two minds, our rational mind and our emotional mind. During the pain, sleep deprivation, poor diet and sleep we tend to get lost in the emotional mind with no answers, nothing makes sense. I did some reading on Personality Disorders. I needed to understand how a man had played the role of my loving devoted husband for this long and now just didn't love me, didn't care and was even hostile toward me.
You may find this link interesting, I certainly did: http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/understanding/
And it helped me to begin to bring some rational mind into the whole thing, stop blaming myself and stop believing that I had somehow failed (again) at the most important "job" of my life. We are not in control Alone. We are but human beings. My husband has the "shallow" emotions described on page 2 of the article and was able to amaze me and others by his ability to just dissassociate from me and begin a new life. He didn't have the courage to face me, make a plan, leave in 3 months and you have helped make me even more grateful for that despite the nightmare of problem solving he left behind. He left on vacation and sent me a text it was a one way trip. He also managed to be the center of life and control things by his actions and REACTIONS throughout the marraige. He did the small kindnesses that keep us hooked, believing we need them. My husband fit one of the Personality Disorder's perfectly. His love was manufactured and believeable. SO BELIEVEABLE... but he was not capable of sustaining it and not consitutionally capable of the sort of love that I am and that I understand.
Why do they snap at some point and decide we just aren't good enough, and yet he stays around for the postmortem of your pain? Who knows? There is a song that my daughter listened to when she was younger that I loved with a line in it, "You can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being."
We are on our habit horses, clinging to platitudes and ideas of what "should" work. You are fighting to "make" someone feel something when they may well not be constitutionally capable of feeling it. And that is the agony. Then what? Then we grieve. We grieve the dream of HUSBAND that we have had all these years. We grieve. Acute grief without the meddlings of the significant other takes an average of 6 weeks if left to run a natural course, and then who knows how long after that we still have pain that we work through. You aren't even being granted THAT with this THREE MONTH plan. UGH.
No, it's not fair. It never will be.
God doesn't put emotional black holes in our life to teach us anything. God created cause and effect, and set up free will, choice in the beginning and he watches as humans live in despair and cling to their own will and their own idea of what will make them happy, what will bring them peace. As I've said before, we are like toddlers squirming and fighting to be put down everytime God picks us up after a prayer for help. God will grant us strength, love, fill that massive gaping wound within. Help us to stop wondering how the broken men in our lives don't love us? Aren't we loveable? YES< we are. But do we love ourselves? A girl broke her doll and went to her father at the work bench, "Father, will you fix this." ... "Yes, I will fix it." Again awhile later the child asked, "FAther, please won't you fix my doll." ... "Yes, of course." the Father replied with love. Finally the child stomped her feet in outrage and screamed at her Father, "Father, why won't you fix my doll like you said you would!!!" The father looked lovingly to the child and said, "You must first let it go child. You must first turn it over to me." We are like that child. We are busy with out plans, plots and effort. WE are busy rining the parts of our broken dolls all the while wondering why our Father, why the Lord does not fix them. Because we don't let go. We don't give it over.
Just some ideas.
Don't discount the love of your children. They don't HAVE to love you. TRUST ME. Don't discount even the dysfunctional loves in your life of your parents if there is any at all. One friend, even here in this chat room. My love for you as a fellow sister trying to swim the shark infested waters of what makes NO SENSE with a husband you love, with the love of HAVING A HUSBAND. Don't discount these gifts. The sadness can bleed the things we have to be gateful for until they are pale and unable to give us strength. We have to intentionally talk to ourselves in ways we would talk to a friend. With patience, kindness and concern for our well being.
Right? Wrong? It won't matter. They are going to do whatever they are going to do. You can only look to what you are going to do. Don't throw bad money after good, and don't throw your last sanity after insanity. Pause, sit, and feel that love isn't one person, or two... it is deep and eternal and runs through us all. (PS: EASY FOR ME TO SAY!!!! ha ha ha)

Re: I hope this is my bottom of the pit post:

So beautifully stated, Dana. Your words to Cindy are so true for us all. Thank you.