P.S. I don't believe that "time heals all wounds."

Time may lessen the pain, but the wound is still there, scabbed over, but there all the same.

Oh, sweetie Bridget: i am 64 years old, and got a divorce after 36 years of abuse. My marriage was nothing but a power struggle with emotional and physical abuse.

How unbelievably CRUEL that he would tell you about his affair when you were in the hospital. What a horrific betrayal.

I had to realize also....that no man ever loved me, but either used or abused me. That is on THEM....NOT on us....we were trusting and honest.

Unfortunately, we cannot stop or lessen the pain (if we try to, it will come back in physical and emotional problems later on).

I suggest seeing a therapist, journaling all of your feelings, talking, reading.......there are some things we never get over, but after (who knows how long) some time, find a way to live with it. I know that isn't much comfort.

YOU were real. your children and grandchildren are real.

If you ever want to talk privately, you can e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com (I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group). Hugs, Alicia

I agree with the others, what you had was real, if it wasn't why would your husband or ex even consider you becoming his wife in the first place. These men are all alike. What they have with these women now is exactly what they had with us. I remember all the wonderful things my ex did for me while we were dating and then into our marriage. I did the same for him as well. It just seems like men have this shut-off button which allows them to move on and selfishly get what they want as soon as they can. When men like ours become bored or they just decide they want something else. They seem like they just begin to shut down to move on and in their mind they are killing what we had with them....they may be killing their side of a family or life or just us as some of them say, but it doesn't mean it wasn't alive on our side. Who the heck are they to say...I didn't feel love so you didn't love me or WE just grew apart or I need my happiness and I can't find it in YOU. That is the biggest bunch of Bull I have ever heard, but they need to destroy things to move on. If things are destroyed then in their minds we can't prosper or even think about marrying someone else. That is what I have seen in selfish men. It's all Cheating and Lies. No one on this forum deserves any of this and I for one hope my ex remains with his girlfriend forever....cheaters and liars belong to each other. I would so rather live with no one than to live with a liar and a cheat. They bring nothing but, shame, sorrow, doubt, destruction, stress....I could go on and on....to a relationship. Don't let a liar tell you something was never real. It's his loss if he throws something that was real away and calls it a lie. Be proud of your marriage and family for your part in it and let him own his own shame whether he wants it or not.

Selfish men are foolish men: Get angry... then let it go so you are the one that gets to move on and find your own happiness.

Susan

If it was me, I would mention it to the children. They would need to know why you divorced...was it Mom's fault?...Was it Dad?...What happened?

If it is the truth, then it won't hurt the adult children but I would think they would adjust better if they knew....not in a dramatic way, but to just inform them of why their parents are divorced and that their father preferred other ladies while you two were married.

Some ladies think hiding things will somehow make things look better...but the reality is alot easier to deal with...and the truth will set you free.

The flea had numerous affair while we were married. Every time he was having an affair, I was lazy, fat, good for nothing, when he ended his affair I was the most beautiful woman and could do no wrong. This was the last one I was going to put up with. Big foot is a co-worker of his. They were both married at the time they started their affair. I like you thought I had a good marriage, that the flea was a good man. Now that he is no longer here, I can see how he really was, Don't hide things from your sons, it will be harder on them later on to find out that their father was a real douche. Take care

The boys know about the last affair. I had just found out about it and was reading all the emails between him and the slut when one of my sons called me. It was not possible to keep the pain I was going through from him. His wife had cheated on him two years ago and they divorced so he was very understanding. I waited until I wasn't quite so emotional to tell my oldest son that we were divorcing and that his father had an affair and wanted to move in with the slut. But, I have not told the boys about the other two affairs I had just found out about. I don't know if I will or not. I sure would like to tell them what a discusting jerk their father is but I am trying to be better than that. They are both very supportive of me and have no respect for him. Thank you for your kind message.
Bridget

Dear Bridget,
My heart aches for you. I too know what it is like to love a man that has done nothing but hurt you by his numerous indescressions. My husband spent many years of our marriage going from one woman to another. He had a severe sexual addiction that led him into some very dark times. I didnt know about most of them until the time came to find out that my daughters were also part of his hidden sin. I was devastated. It tore our family apart. After all of the disclosure I found out about all of the other garbage. I wanted to die. As a matter of fact I tried to make that happen on more then one occasion but God has other plans for me I suppose because I am still here. The one thing that I have come to realize through all of this is that he did not make the choices he did because he did not love me. I know that sounds weird but its true. Men are wired so differently then we are. I am not giving them an excuse for thier poor choices or for hurting us but they dont think the way we do. When women marry we think it will be forever, and rightfully so, and men think that way in the beginning too. But men are wired differently. They are sexually driven and it takes supernatural strength for most men to stay faithful. Im not excusing it, just speaking the truth. The statistics of men that have affairs during their marriages are staggering. They say it is because we dont give ourselves to them enough, we are emotionally unavailable. Whatever their excuses are it is more common then not that a man not be faithful. I am not excusing their bahavior, just stating a fact. A man has to have an extremely close relationship with the Lord to make a marriage work. Well, I said all that to say this, although you are hurting, you need to get help to work your way through this and get to a place where you can forgive him. I read alot of posts on here where women proclaim that they will NEVER forgive their husbands for what they have done. Well, my response to that is "You are hurting no one but yourself." Forgiveness is not for them. It is for you. If you refuse to forgive it is you that will suffer. He is not out there crying and hurting because you will not forgive him. He is living his life despite what you think or feel. The key to forgiveness is that it sets YOU free. When we chose to hold on to bitterness it only affects us and those that are left in our lives, like our children. Forgiveing your ex allows you to move forward. Unforgiveness is like a prison. It puts you behind bars while he is still out there running free. Does it stop the heartwrenching pain? Not right away, but it does put you in a place where his choices no longer have power over you. It puts you in a place where your anger turns to pitty, and that is freeing. It is not you, it is HIM!!! Do not forget that. If he trys to tell you it is your fault don't accept it. He made these choices. I too was completely in love with my husband but now I realize that nothing I could have done differently or didnt do would have changed the outcome of our marriage. These were his choices and his demons. Not mine. Dont let these negative feelings and blames attach themselves to you. This is NOT your fault. Pray God gives you the strength to forgive him and take your power back. This is your life now. Do what you have always wanted to do. Go to college, join a club, surround yourself with positive people, your sons, your grandkids. I know some have advised you to tell your sons about all this but I would recommend otherwise. Not because your ex deserves better but because your sons do. As mothers we would do anything to protect our kids so if telling them would hurt them then we should not. He is still their father and what happened was between you and him not them and him. Unless your ex is an abusive, horrible father I wouldnt tell. And if he is they will eventually find out for themselves. Take the power away from the devil and pray for the ability to forgive. It is freeing.

Hi Dina:

The truth is just that. ...protect the kids from what? Most of them already know despite keeping quiet about things. When you talk about it, it brings it out into the open and the healing starts. It worked for me. Most times, people move on. Keeping quiet...just keeps thing bottled up...but do what works for you.

When I went through my divorce, there was a group of people who kept saying, spare the kids, they shouldn't know...but you know what?...If I was a kid, I would want to know...and keeping secrets will just make me respect you less...so I let them know.

My children are well adjusted now...not too sure how they would had been if I "protected" them and they ended up filled with anger or rage. Your kids are filled with rage and rightly so, because some facts are kept away from them...

Their father did those things for his reasons. In time, he may speak of it with the children if he is able to maintain a good relationship with his children. Most of these fathers do not end up with a good relationship with their kids.

It's all about communication and respect for a person's feeling.

I get what you are saying but his problems dont always have anything to so with your kids. If it is necessary to tell your kids thats fine but just make sure you are not telling them as a way to get back at your husband. That is not fair to the kids. If he is a good father and your kids love and respect them why would you want to hurt them like that. It is between you and him. For me in was inevitable, they knew what kind of person he was before I did but if he is a good father then I wouldnt. My kids, even those that were victims, would do anything to have their father back. Meaning they miss him and the good parts of their life with him and not having him has been extremely painful to my son. Having lived with kids that know what their father was like and seeing what living without a father has done to them I respectfully do not agree.

Dina your message was wonderful. I do not want to tell the boys this latest thing. They don't need to carry that too. They know he was not a good father, he loved them but was never involved with their lives or friends over the years. They are very close to me and the only reason my oldest son still talks to his father is because of the grandkids. My ex loves the grandkids and they love him. They are little so will not know about any of the details.
I do feel sorry for him, he just could never communicate with me all the things going on in his mind. He truly is addicted to sex and I have tried to talk to him about that but he insists he is not. I know the last affair (the one he is still with) is a tramp and has cheated with married men before. She is willing to do anything an everything to hang on to him because he gives her money for her house payment, takes her out and buys her things. I know he will see what he has done one day and regret it but it will be too late for us.
I will always miss him, we never fought, yelled or anything. we were best friends until this. I know he feels bad and is sorry but he has no idea what he has caused me to go through and to feel. He just is so selfish and only interested in what makes him feel good. I am trying hard to forgive him but he has said some pretty hurtful things to me and been so hatefull through some of this divorce. He of course blamed it all on me but I know it is not my fault. He has not even been able to say the words "I cheated on you". It is like if he says it outloud than he has to take the blame for it and he can't do that.
Like I said I do want to forgive him and move on but I am just not there yet.
Bridget

Bridget,
You will...if you are open to it.Some women are not. They want to stay in the yuck. Trust me I know of which I speak. But forgiveness is so freeing. It actually allowed me to be friends with my ex. Of course, he is no longer in denial about his addiction and has actively engaged in being freed from it. With God's help and lots of therapy he is doing much better. The heart breaking thing to me now is that he is in a new relationship and it hurts to know that his addiction ruined our marriage but now this new lady is going to get the best of him. On most days I am ok with it but sometimes it really hurts. Forgiveness is a process. Dont think that once you forgive it is all over and you will never hurt again. That is not the case. You chose to forgive, its just like love. It is a choice. Then it is a daily act to ask God to give you the strength to walk in that forgiveness. Not every day will be perfect, some days you will still not want to get out of bed, but that is when you lean on God. Say to yourself "I have forgiven him and that is that." I am reading a book by Joyce Meyer. It is called "Battlefield of the mind." I would highly recommend it. It gives tools to overcome all those assults on our minds. Thats what they are. Assults. Once you forgive the rest is just the enemy trying to convince us that this situation is unforgivable. It is not. Nothing is unforgivable if you really desire to forgive. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even pain. Remember Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to bless you and not to harm you, plans to give you a furture and a hope." You never know, you may meet a man that is a greater blessing to you then you could have ever dreamed or imagined. Your sons support you and love you and your grandkids are a blessing. Enjoy the good things in you life and keep your eyes on the Lord.

Dina your message was so comforting. I do want to forgive him and I am trying. I, like you hate the idea that he has learned by his mistakes during our marriage and now the woman he cheated with is getting a better partner than he ever was to me. That is the hardest part to deal with. I do still love him and I don't understand how I can. I know I am better off without him in my life but I miss him. One day I just want to strangle him and the next day I wish he would knock on my door.
I do pray to God everyday to help me find my way through this mess. I would like to be friends with my ex but I think it would be so very painful to ever see him with anyone else and to hear how happy he is now.
I know if I truly forgive him I have to get past all those feelings. It is just so hard to be in this place. I live on a small hobby farm that I wanted my whole life. I thought I had a great marriage and I do have wonderful kids and grandkids. My life was everything I wanted it to be, then this. It is just very hard to now have to give so much up and also forgive him.
I have to sell all my animals. I have had one horse for 14 years and the rest of the horses, dogs and goats for over 6 years. He just walked away and I have to deal with all of the mess and pain. When I think about that it makes it very hard to forgive him.
I am working on it.
Bridget

I totally understand and I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is hard to love someone that is not able to return that love. Notice I did not say "Does not love us back"? That is because he does love you. You cannot be with someone that long and not love them unless there is abuse. He hasnt stopped loving you, he just doesnt know how to show it anymore. He has let his sexual addiction take over and his heart has stopped functioning. It is not that unusual. Men that have sexual addictions shut down after a while because once the addiction takes over then the heart ceases to be in control. His mind is completely consumed with his addiction and he has given over to it. Letting him go is the right thing to do but that doesnt mean that it feels good. It is what it is and unfortunately the innocent suffer but when it all is said and done, he will be the one suffering. When the other woman takes off and he is alone he will turn to you and his sons and all will be gone. God can restore and heal, of this I have no doubt, and if that is what God's plan is then so be it but dont feel you need to wait. This is his choice. Let him live it because ultimatly he will pay the highest price. Dont let his current circumstances fool you. He is tormented inside. My husband lived everyday as if he were dying inside. I love him still but I cannot undo what has been done. Hang in there my friend. There are better days ahead.