I'm sorry, Cindy, for all the pain you have gone through. I don't know how you can stay calm and cool. This is not a situation where it would seem humanly possibly. You are what you are. If it's not enough for him, then I'd have to say it's time for him to go. He's been stringing you along because you've allowed him to and it's time to stop and say "no more".

He has used you and he has used the other woman. I can only image what an absolute fool she must be to put up with this three ring circus. It's not like she has 33 years and children and grandchildren with him as you do. She must be a real winner!

He's tortured you long enough. I think giving him until July is very generous. He doesn't deserve any generosity at all.

I suppose this is my "tough love" speech to you, Cindy. Stop letting him come and go as he pleases. Stop allowing him to tear your heart out. Take control and tell him he has to leave. Why wait until July? It's just more time for more pain he can inflict on you.

My heart and thoughts are with you whatever happens. You have fought a brave battle. You have done everything possible to keep him home. You have done the right thing by placing the choice in his hands. I hope he gets a reality check and does the right thing. But we are here if he doesn't.

Teresa

Dear Alone, I am as always saddened by the lastest developement in your quest to save your marriage. You have extended super human efforts to try and stop him from leaving you! You are a far better person than I ever could have been under the circumstances. I truely believe he is a very very very troubled soul. I almost think this is God's way of sparing you what might have been coming later. I am so proud of your taking a stance here. I hope you have seen a lawyer. Please look out for yourself legally. I have seen so many women give up something that is rightfully their's just to try and get their husband back. You have a long life ahead of you and need to be in the best position possible when you are single. Have you given any thought to what you might do if he in fact does go and then decides he made a mistake and wants to come back? I hope you can get on with "YOUR LIFE" a new and improved life as soon as possible. I am not scolding but you have made this process as easy as possible for him and impossible for yourself. He actually deserves what is coming. Trust me a long distance relationship is exciting and makes you long for each other. Just wait until they both have to deal with one in other on a day to day bases with life getting in the way. I'm sure she is not half the women you are and he is going to find that out real soon. I would love for you to start finding someone new as he has done. I hope you are seeing your therapist regularly. You need to start to prepare yourself for his leaving. Is he going to stop working? You need spousal support if you can get it. Why try and make it easier on him and HER. You have become such a dear friend to me on this site and it is so painful for all of us to see anyone hurt you so much. Just try and guard your heart. Know we are all here for you.

You've been given some sage wisdom here Alone. I hope you read the replies after you've made a post. I know that sometimes when people feel so tortured from the inside it's much easier to export information than to import any. You truly must start meeting with lawyers. I said that in plural on purpose. A common strategy I have seen is for one spouse to spend the time they have meeting with one good lawyer after another to close that door to the other spouse when it comes time for legal action. It's time for you to start documenting his actions, keeping receipts or bills for his adventures.

Regardless of how much you want him to wake up and be the man you dreamed he would be, you still must take action in the event that he changed, or that he never really was and no longer will play the role he signed up for...he's pathological. You've done everything you can and regardless of what happens you will look at this when it is over and know you did everything you could. Adultery is considered a valid reason for the ending of a marriage back to biblical times. It is NOT something you are asked to endure, tolerate or "understand". Please don't allow yourself to be victimized anymore than you have. It may sound like forever, but the average course of the acute or SEVERE grief is honestly 6 weeks. Many people don't know that when a person rejects us we release the SAME neurotransmitters as love and desire. It is a nasty biological TRICK. It helps to remind ourselves of that. We only have so many neurotransmitters and that mix just happens to pop up twice. THAT's why we want the one hurting us! It's not by accident or because we're crazy or because we can't live without them. It's our body's chemistry.

Take a moment to feel the self that is inside and the suffering and ask, "Who is taking care of this hurt, frightened person?". You are the only one who can take care of you at this point. Don't get me wrong, this is all well and good for me to type away, but I struggle with a similar inner battle myself. I feel the shame and I feel the "fault" from his direct and indirect blaming of me for my husband's sick twisted running away from home drama. I cried just yesterday after a dream he came home. MY STARS, what would I do with him now if he came home after 7 weeks and his actions while he's been gone? The reality is that the man who is actively thoughtlessly breaking my heart is NOT the man I fell in love with. For all I know the man I fell in love with NEVER existed. I must be open enough to admit that some people are truly capable of that level of duplicity. We see it in our movies and shows and think of the someone we know who has been burned by one of these two faced dogs and somehow we remain naive that we too could fall victim. It's like watching the news and never believing it could be us. After all, if we lived our lives in fear that THAT could be us it would be very hard to live a full life at all. The coping strategy of believing somehow that can't happen to us eventually betrays us and something, a robbery, mugging, violation, betrayal, happens to us. We can foster the persona of victim until we are in full martyr, depression that steals our ability to be of great value to our remaining family... or we can take care of that inner self the way we would our oldest child, and grieve while we take baby steps ... baby steps to that mysterious tomorrow where the word "alone" is not so evil after all. In fact, it comes with a great deal of freedom. I'm sending you lot's of blessings. Dana

Thank you ladies for your kind and concerned replies. I have read them all and I have taken them to heart. Please know that I am doing what I must to protect myself, both financially and emotionally but there are many different readsons why we will be living together for a bit longer, most of them financial. Yes, I am still hoping but not with any real thought that he will stay. I doubt he will. Yes, I suppose it can be said that he is using me, but I am using him to. The fact is, we do care about each other, we do take comfort from each other, even during this stressful time. It is hard to understand I am sure but it is true. I am preparing for the awful, final day when he goes but I cannot stop hoping for a miracle at the same time. Thanks for trying to understand as I know you will.

Alone,

Only you know what you need to make it through this. You do what you have to do and remember, you are in our prayers.

Susan

Alone,
I think some of us may be feeling a bit frustrated out of a need to protect you with our advice. It seems as though you are not protecting yourself emotionally or financially. I think the comfort you feel is a false sense of security as you continue to voice true affection & hopes that your husband will decide to work on your marriage. I truely don't mean this in a judgemental way but I am skeptical of your husbands intent.It sounds like your husbands comfort comes from your reaction(or lack of) to his immoral behavior. You are the victim in this situation. Begging(you wrote that in your email)your husband to stay in some ways lends to him being the victim as if you did something wrong & want to make it right! I sense you are doing anything & everything to please your husband, despite the marital crisis you are in. This does not solve the breakdown of communication & moral boundaries that your husband chose to violate. If he is not willing to take accountability for his behavior or healing your marriage now, then it is unlikely he has any intent on investing in your marriage.If he respected you, he would not have lied & cheated on you. If he respects you, he would not be sharing your bed or living in your house no matter what financial cost was at stake. I know you are conflicted, believe me I have been where you are. I suppose that is why I ache for you & every fiber of my being screams "You deserve better"! I believe it is the exception that a man only cheats once. All I have read & heard on this site validates that. I hope you are in therapy & have a lawyer, both objective parties that may guide you to be realistic about the situation you are in. I will pray for you in hopes that you choose the path that may not give you immediate comfort but is best for you in the long run.

Sue I understand the frustration and I am sorry if I am causing it. That is certainly not my intent. You are quite right that it is a false sense of security. But it is comfort all the same. Sitting with my husband is the only thing that stops the ache that I have in the pit of my stomach on a bad day. We were everything to each other for a long time. Removed from family by his job, we are not very social so we never had a lot of friends, we relied on each other for everything. In many ways we still do. I am here, I am in my situation and I am doing what I feel is right. I will not be disloyal to my husband just because he has chosen to be disloyal to me. Only I know the man, and while I agree that many men are habitual cheaters, I do not believe he is. What he is is a good man caught in a mid life crisis who got himself into a bad situation. He is disrepsecting me, yes, but I do not believe I am disrespecting myself. I will not leave this marriage, (yet). I do not want to and I will not make this easy on him by throwing him out, which is what I think he expected. I am not a doormat. I have raged as often as I have begged. I have fought a battle I believe I had to fight and I am not quite finished fighting yet. I am closer each day but I think I will know when I am absolutely done. When I am sure it will be the right time for me. In the meantime I have both a lawyer and a therapist. Although the therapist is not much help and I've been meaning to post about that. I will soon.
As always I thank you and all the others here for your thoughts and opinions. I wish the best to all of you and hope you do the same for me even if you don't agree. You are all in my prayers each day.

Alone,
Believe me I do understand. I have been there & have had many of the same conflicts as you are having. I still do, even though I chose to leave my husband. I still also love my husband, despite the pain he has caused me. It has been hard for me to express anger towards him, mostly it just plain saddens me. Your absolutely right, it is best for you to do what is right for you. I suppose we all have a personal bias based on what we would do in the same situation. I am so sorry if what I posted, offended you in any way.
I wish you all the love, peace & prayers you so deserve.

OH Sue, Of course you didn't offend me! I do not think there is any place here for that at all. We are all here, in what we can only hope is the most difficult time of our lives, to support and help each other. That means,absolute honesty is essential. I value your thoughts and everyone else's here. They shine a light on what I am thinking and often help me clarify this confusing situation. I do not know where I would be without all of you! I hope we all find exactly what we need.

Alone,
Likewise. I wish we all lived near each other & could meet on a regular basis. How nice & healing that would be :)

Sue, wouldn't that be lovely. =) Women of "a certain age" have the Red Hat Society; we, women of all ages, have the "Red Heart Society"!

Alone, while my situation was very different from yours, I too begged and pleaded and did everything I could think of to make him stay. He threatened divorce so many times over that last many years that I didn't think any more of it than "I think I'll get a glass of water." I hit my end one day, and vividly remember walking in from the barn when once again he threatened divorce. I looked at him and said, "So go." I was finally ready. In my situation Jerk didn't want to be the one to have left. He wanted to be able to tell people it was a mutual decision, and by my 'letting' him go he was able to do that. It was another move on his part to relieve himself of guilt. As is everything with Jerk, it was simply self serving. When you hit that point and finally let go, it is a horrible pain, but a sense of relief comes with it. Hang in there.

Becky,

Your ex sounds exactly like mine. Each time he returned he always waited for me to tell him to leave. They are guilty cowards that always try to find the easy way out of things. I do have to say, You are so right about that sense of relief. I remember the day I finally told my ex...that "This was it, don't ask to come back again...when you walk out that door it is over." Those were the scariest words that ever came out of my mouth, because I knew I would hold true to them. The boys and I were tired of his games. But Oh what a sense of peace and relief I had as well. It was like a big weight was finally lifted off my body. I knew there were more fears to face ahead, but it is way better to face down the fears then to let them swallow you up whole. We overcome something and we move on...life is constantly moving and we must keep moving as well to grab hold of it and live it.

Susan