Hi...I am new to this forum. I recently (a month ago) got divorced from a 13 year marriage to someone everyone views as the "greatest guy." Our relationship started out the storybook romance--we had so many things in common (music, the outdoors, travel, etc.) and passion to boot. We are both educators and have advanced degrees.

Right before our wedding was the first glimpse I got of his "anger." I can't even remember what it was about, but I remember thinking, "uh, oh...what is this?" After that, though there were tons of good times, he had frequent dark moods and would without warning lambaste me, or judge/criticize, or act controlling, or yell, or just outright dismiss me. I have, just in the past two years, realized all of this devaluing is emotional/verbal abuse. Like most partners of abusers, I walked on eggshells, thinking I could "fix" it. I was a smart, reflective woman...if I just found the key...

It took escalating physical transgressions (throwing things, then throwing them at me, pushing/shoving) and an eventual serious assault (he punched and kicked me, fracturing my rib) for me to stop seeing him as the "greatest guy" and get the heck out. Even after my requested separation, we kept going to counseling and I kept doing my "work," as I had been all along in counseling. In fact, it was my work, my gradual reclaiming of my needs and self that escalated his behavior and brought it all to a head.

I guess it was hard for me to let go of the fairytale and the love, that strangely remained, and to accept that two educated people who both went to counseling and went to counseling together could have this happen.

Now I see I couldn't fix it. It is his issue and was not my fault. And I am glad to be free. I am thankful for the side of me that persevered to save myself. Now I am focused on creating my new life. I am doing reading on both emotional and physical abuse and am engaged in some creative healing work. I have a huge support system. I exercise, eat well. And I've recently told him that I don't want any contact for an extended time so I can heal. We managed, amazingly, to get through the divorce with civility. And had been, sort of, conducting ourselves as "friends."

Yet I have lingering feelings of confusion that tend to surface. If I don't let them surface during the day, they come out in my dreams at night.

One is, how can I still have feelings of love for such a person? How could I have stayed in and kept faith for so long? Why didn't I see what was happening sooner?

Another is, of course he ran out and got a new girlfriend, after an online dating spree, ONE WEEK after the divorce was final. I have had a couple of casual flings during the upheaval, but am in NO WAY ready and won't be for a bit to start a new serious relationship..I need to be sure I won't repeat the same pattern.

The fact that he is so quickly in a serious relationship utterly astounds me. He thinks he has "done his work." He told me so. But I can tell from our interactions, all he has done is put a tighter lid on the pot. He hasn't addressed the reasons the pot boils over. That's why I divorced him. I know it's none of my business, and I need to focus on me, but I can't help but feeling furious about this new woman. I don't want him back, no way. But how is it he thinks he is good partner material? Doesn't anything that happened resonate as serious for him? I want to tell her he's an abuser, but I know it's not my place.

Lastly, he is sooo loved around our small regional area. Everyone just thinks he is great. I have told some very close friends the truth about what happened, but have not broadcast it in our community. I don't want to ruin his life. But his charade as a great guy and all the good will everyone feels for the "poor guy" whose wife divorced him just feels gross to me. And it makes me look like the loser with issues since I left this guy.

Anyway, I am so committed to moving forward, but I'm finding these little confusions surfacing. I go to counseling...just looking to see if anyone else has had these feelings or has some helpful perspective.

I got a divorce after 31 years of abusive "marriage." With him for total of 36 years. It wasn't until I found the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans that I found the answer as to what was happening to me (verbal abuse). If we grow up being abused, we will more than likely accept it......

Abusers are narcisssists and usually stop maturing at about age 12-13. They are excruciatingly insecure.....they don't think they are at fault, nor do they think they need help.

Abuse is literally...brainwashing ("gaslighting"); that is why it is so confusing.

Know that abuse is a CHOICE. Always a choice. People usually say, what a great guy; that is because they charm everyone and can even fool the most well trained therapists.....psychopaths.

The statistics (global) are 1 in 3 women abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted....This is a "pandemic" in the world.

I am trying to get on national tv to address this problem and have been writing to media types for over 10 years. This is a recursive cycle that will never end, unless society is made aware of what verbal abuse IS, and what it does and why women stay.

I think there should be a program in every grade school to teach children respect, because if you respect someone, you won't abuse them.

I won a scholarship, because of what I wrote about my life and am in school as a freshman at age 64...I want to use my voice to make a difference in the world, and will never stop writing and speaking up.

Don't be surprised the abuser latched onto another woman so quickly; that is usual wth abusers; they cannot bear to be alone.

They need their "fix"--they are like vampires...and their fix....is you/whoever.......continuing to explain yourself constantly.

Good for you; take care of yourself, stay in counseling, talk, journal, etc....

Abusers/narcissists...have no conscience, so no....you cannot expect him to get it, or think he has any issues or did anything wrong.

It doesn't make you look like a loser; people have no idea who another person is; it always amazes me that people think they know anybody.

Just as an aside (and I found this out after reading the aformentioned book), one should never go into couples counseling with an abuser. Unfortunately, most therapists are not aware of this...it was a disaster for me.

You (I) are just 2 of millions of women who have been abused. I wrote a paper, Society's Hidden 'Pandemic"--Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault; keep submitting it to the American Counseling Association for the conventions.

DId you know that the brain can actually physically change as a result of verbal abuse? I have slides from a doctor regarding that.

Take care and write to me if you wish (I am the moderator of an abused survivor's group): wacalice@aol.com

Kind Regards, Alice
www.soulpoetry.org

www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com (what happened when I got the divorce; voted out of membership)

Hi...thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Wow! 36 years. You must be very strong.

I read that book you mention and it is excellent. After the physical assault, my counselor and I put the words "verbal abuse" to all of the behaviors we had already been talking about leading up to that point. I think she felt I wasn't ready for those words until then. I am reading another good book now - Love without Hurt, by Stephen Stosny. It is somewhat aimed at helping couples rescue their abusive relationship...but it provides the partner of an abuser with an excellent perspective on the underpinnings of the abuser's mindset and behaviors...and more importantly, a clear positive way for the partner of the abuser to reprogram her heart and mind to reconnect with her core value. I am using the book as an avenue to healing. Whereas I used your book as a way to define and identify what was going on.

I see now how my mind is programmed now to react with anxiety, negativity, and self-admonishment. I have just recently been realizing I need to start feeding my brain good food (thoughts and images). It's such a journey of re-learning to honor and care for the self. And maybe I've never known how...as you say, my marriage circumstances were familiar because my mom was verbally abusive when I was a child and a teen. She and I have since mended things and are friends..in fact she's one of my strongest supports. But I have had a long history of negative input.

For sure on couple's counseling...so much time is wasted on content...when abuse is not about whether your spouse helps with the chores...it's about his insecurities and resentment and blame. Couple's counseling actually does damage, to the partner, while bolstering the righteousness of the abuser. Our couple's counselor eventually got to the underlying issues (way too late), but along the way, our counselor even said to me once, "Why don't you have stronger boundaries?" "Why didn't you stop him long before this?" !!! Sure enough, my partner started to say he "didn't respect my boundaries." Which was true, but the counselor's questions of me made my partner feel this was justified. This was about when I called it quits. It has also felt like my partner's counselor, from what he shared, also fueled his self-righteousness by focusing on the content, and on making him feel good about himself.

I applaud the work you are doing out in the world to try to address this pervasive problem. It is so important, and the healing work for this is so isolating, which is why I reached out to this forum. You can't tell certain people, and those you do sometimes are uncomfortable talking and hearing about it, and others just eventually get tired of you and your process because it takes too long.

I am a poet and a writer, as well as a teacher. So I have started a book of haiku (a form I've studied in depth), called "Where I Go Walking" and it's going to be a daily haiku book for women recovering from divorce from an abuser. It connects nature observations (outer landscape) with my inner landscape. I am also thinking of writing a book eventually...not an academic one, but more a story of my waking up and getting out. There is not much out there for books that are positive and real. I don't know if you experienced this, but it's like a stranger took over my body after the assault - she was strong, decisive, and not willing to walk on eggshells anymore. For awhile I felt like two people - this new protective strong woman, and the old pleaser, fixer, please-love-me woman. Luckily she stayed around and got me through leaving. And now I'm feeling a bit more like one person.

Anyway...thank you again and keep me posted on your work.

Hi! Welcome.

My ex got together with the woman he was having an emotional affair with before we were even officially separated. And Alice is right they move on quickly because they can't stand to be alone, they need someone to blame other than themselves. I think that anyway.

I feel confused and almost like I miss my ex sometimes too. My abuse was never physical mostly emotional and verbal... though it nearly got to that point. And I have to say I think it's the idea of the fairytale that I miss. It's the dream, not the reality. I'm still working on letting that go. But I think that is what I am mourning opposed to actually missing him. I hope that makes sense and helps.

Oh, I totally know what you mean about having a hard time letting go of the fairytale. When it starts out so wonderful, accepting the harsh reality is not easy. "How could this be?" I find myself saying sometimes. And then of course, because we're conditioned by the abuse, the self-blame...if only I had done this, or this...and the new woman, what if she does just the right things? It means I failed. All untrue, I know..but that's where the mind can take you!

I never thought about how being alone means that the abuser has no one to blame. Good point. I also was thinking that since a crushing feeling of inadequacy underlies abuse, getting into a new love affair will make that go away with the rush of mutual adoration that goes on. Until real life sets in...and the cycle begins again.

Oh...you are SO not alone on this! Ex never put his hands on me, but he took out his anger on everything around him. Holes in walls, throwing things, yelling and screaming, cursing at me. I was afraid of him at times. How sad to be married to someone..someone you love and who is supossed to love you...and be afraid around them?!?!?

A few months after I moved out, he too had someone else, who his is still seeing. Its been about a year now, and I have mixed feelings as well. I really couldnt care less who he's seeing, but to me its like he is such a liar. She has no idea who he is..what he put me through...how hard I tried. I dont know what makes guys jump into relationships so soon. I waited 8mos. Thats how long it took me to lick my wounds and be ready to move on. If I had to guess, I would say its strictly sexual for men. Women want a connection with someone, men want sex. Whatever...

As far as how your ex has everyone conned into thinking hes such a great guy who got jilted (mine too), who cares? Just let it go. The people who matter know what happened and why. Thats all that matters.

I'm glad that your doing so well. Try not to let all of that get to you. Youre so much better off keeping on concentrating your energy on yourself.

Hi...yes, it's quite disconcerting that someone you love (and who, maybe ironically loves you) would mistreat you in these ways. I still can't quite wrap my head around that. It's very nice to know I am not alone...I feel very alone with it sometimes.

I too struggle with the fact that his new relationship is a charade. I am sure she has no idea. I asked him if he had told her the REAL reason I divorced him, and he got this weird deer in the headlights grin, then said, "yes, yes I told her." I think he was lying. And I said, "and she still wants to go out with you?! (she has two kids too!) Of course he got angry and said, "are you saying I'm not worthy of anyone?" I said, "no, but I am saying it seems important that you would take some time to address your serious issues before getting involved with someone else...and you wouldn't address them with me, so..." Of course it was like talking to a wall. But it felt good to say it.

I am trying not to worry what others think...it's just that we have such a tiny community. And it just makes me mad I guess that he gets to have that public image. Oh well...nothing I can do about it.

Thanks for your post!

That exchange reminds me of something an aquaintance of mine did when I was in college. We had "an altercation" that few people were aware of and later on when there were other problems in his life a woman approached me to ask for my side of the story. When I told he she was enraged because he had painted himself in such a victim/martyr light when hearing my side of story and her general knowledge of him made her believe me more so than him. Later when I tried to warn another women, she flat out did not believe me because he had told her already *his* version.

It could be the same case here if he as charismatic as you say. But rest assured that facade cracks after a while and people will see his true colors. It did in my case. Sorry if I made too much about me.

Hi...thank you for sharing this story; it's nice to hear about the experiences of others, so it being about you is not a problem!

I have to meet this woman today due to a dog we still share back and forth...she will be there when I drop the dog off (the dog HAS to go to the vet today for a urinary tract infection and I am leaving town to see my mom.)

I have been on the minimal to no contact regiment with my ex so I can heal...but the little bit of exposure I get due to the dog, and our extremely small town, keeps me well aware of this relationship and how much time they are spending together just a few weeks after the divorce. I know none of it is a reflection of me...but it's still hard. I want to give the dog to him (though I love the dog) so it gets rid of that reason we have to interact but he can't take him yet due to his apartment situation.

Anyway, our town is so small I figure I have to meet her sometime...and not knowing what she looks like, etc. is only fuel for the imagination. So I plan to just be civil and not say anything, unless she asks, which I doubt. None of this is her fault. And I harbor no ill will against her. She met him legitimately post-divorce on match.com.

I feel sorry that I can't tell her he beat me up. But I know she might not believe me anyway (he is so charismatic as I said, especially in the beginning)...it's her thing to figure out I guess, though that seems wrong somehow to let that happen. But I can't spend the rest of my life telling all his new girlfriends.

Wish me luck! Hope it doesn't bring up all the hurt in a big way to see her. If it does...I'll just feel it and try to get back to ME.

Good luck! :) Be strong.

Dear Newlife, I am really grieved by your story. Loss is so hard to come to grips with. He is a time bomb just wait. Thank God you got out before you suffered any serious physical injury. He will revert back to his bad behavior. One day everyone will know the truth about him. I just hope he doesn't seriously hurt someone in the process. He is headed for jail. Domestic violence is no longer tolerated in our society. You now have the opportunity to move on and creat an even better life for yourself. Destiny is going to catch up with the ex and you won't be the one who is going to get hurt this time. Just try and move on with YOUR life which you so richly deserve. We will welcome your imput into our little circle of friends. Just know we are here for you when you need us.