Thank you ladies for your kind and concerned replies. I have read them all and I have taken them to heart. Please know that I am doing what I must to protect myself, both financially and emotionally but there are many different readsons why we will be living together for a bit longer, most of them financial. Yes, I am still hoping but not with any real thought that he will stay. I doubt he will. Yes, I suppose it can be said that he is using me, but I am using him to. The fact is, we do care about each other, we do take comfort from each other, even during this stressful time. It is hard to understand I am sure but it is true. I am preparing for the awful, final day when he goes but I cannot stop hoping for a miracle at the same time. Thanks for trying to understand as I know you will.

Alone,

Only you know what you need to make it through this. You do what you have to do and remember, you are in our prayers.

Susan

Alone,
I think some of us may be feeling a bit frustrated out of a need to protect you with our advice. It seems as though you are not protecting yourself emotionally or financially. I think the comfort you feel is a false sense of security as you continue to voice true affection & hopes that your husband will decide to work on your marriage. I truely don't mean this in a judgemental way but I am skeptical of your husbands intent.It sounds like your husbands comfort comes from your reaction(or lack of) to his immoral behavior. You are the victim in this situation. Begging(you wrote that in your email)your husband to stay in some ways lends to him being the victim as if you did something wrong & want to make it right! I sense you are doing anything & everything to please your husband, despite the marital crisis you are in. This does not solve the breakdown of communication & moral boundaries that your husband chose to violate. If he is not willing to take accountability for his behavior or healing your marriage now, then it is unlikely he has any intent on investing in your marriage.If he respected you, he would not have lied & cheated on you. If he respects you, he would not be sharing your bed or living in your house no matter what financial cost was at stake. I know you are conflicted, believe me I have been where you are. I suppose that is why I ache for you & every fiber of my being screams "You deserve better"! I believe it is the exception that a man only cheats once. All I have read & heard on this site validates that. I hope you are in therapy & have a lawyer, both objective parties that may guide you to be realistic about the situation you are in. I will pray for you in hopes that you choose the path that may not give you immediate comfort but is best for you in the long run.

Sue I understand the frustration and I am sorry if I am causing it. That is certainly not my intent. You are quite right that it is a false sense of security. But it is comfort all the same. Sitting with my husband is the only thing that stops the ache that I have in the pit of my stomach on a bad day. We were everything to each other for a long time. Removed from family by his job, we are not very social so we never had a lot of friends, we relied on each other for everything. In many ways we still do. I am here, I am in my situation and I am doing what I feel is right. I will not be disloyal to my husband just because he has chosen to be disloyal to me. Only I know the man, and while I agree that many men are habitual cheaters, I do not believe he is. What he is is a good man caught in a mid life crisis who got himself into a bad situation. He is disrepsecting me, yes, but I do not believe I am disrespecting myself. I will not leave this marriage, (yet). I do not want to and I will not make this easy on him by throwing him out, which is what I think he expected. I am not a doormat. I have raged as often as I have begged. I have fought a battle I believe I had to fight and I am not quite finished fighting yet. I am closer each day but I think I will know when I am absolutely done. When I am sure it will be the right time for me. In the meantime I have both a lawyer and a therapist. Although the therapist is not much help and I've been meaning to post about that. I will soon.
As always I thank you and all the others here for your thoughts and opinions. I wish the best to all of you and hope you do the same for me even if you don't agree. You are all in my prayers each day.

Alone,
Believe me I do understand. I have been there & have had many of the same conflicts as you are having. I still do, even though I chose to leave my husband. I still also love my husband, despite the pain he has caused me. It has been hard for me to express anger towards him, mostly it just plain saddens me. Your absolutely right, it is best for you to do what is right for you. I suppose we all have a personal bias based on what we would do in the same situation. I am so sorry if what I posted, offended you in any way.
I wish you all the love, peace & prayers you so deserve.

OH Sue, Of course you didn't offend me! I do not think there is any place here for that at all. We are all here, in what we can only hope is the most difficult time of our lives, to support and help each other. That means,absolute honesty is essential. I value your thoughts and everyone else's here. They shine a light on what I am thinking and often help me clarify this confusing situation. I do not know where I would be without all of you! I hope we all find exactly what we need.

Alone,
Likewise. I wish we all lived near each other & could meet on a regular basis. How nice & healing that would be :)

Sue, wouldn't that be lovely. =) Women of "a certain age" have the Red Hat Society; we, women of all ages, have the "Red Heart Society"!

Alone, while my situation was very different from yours, I too begged and pleaded and did everything I could think of to make him stay. He threatened divorce so many times over that last many years that I didn't think any more of it than "I think I'll get a glass of water." I hit my end one day, and vividly remember walking in from the barn when once again he threatened divorce. I looked at him and said, "So go." I was finally ready. In my situation Jerk didn't want to be the one to have left. He wanted to be able to tell people it was a mutual decision, and by my 'letting' him go he was able to do that. It was another move on his part to relieve himself of guilt. As is everything with Jerk, it was simply self serving. When you hit that point and finally let go, it is a horrible pain, but a sense of relief comes with it. Hang in there.

Becky,

Your ex sounds exactly like mine. Each time he returned he always waited for me to tell him to leave. They are guilty cowards that always try to find the easy way out of things. I do have to say, You are so right about that sense of relief. I remember the day I finally told my ex...that "This was it, don't ask to come back again...when you walk out that door it is over." Those were the scariest words that ever came out of my mouth, because I knew I would hold true to them. The boys and I were tired of his games. But Oh what a sense of peace and relief I had as well. It was like a big weight was finally lifted off my body. I knew there were more fears to face ahead, but it is way better to face down the fears then to let them swallow you up whole. We overcome something and we move on...life is constantly moving and we must keep moving as well to grab hold of it and live it.

Susan