As I think about my probable divorce, I realize that I have what might well be some pretty strange thinking in many areas. Maybe it's what happens when you marry the first man you ever really loved and spend 33 years with him, I don't know, but the worries are there and I know of no place else to go to try to get answers.
Part of why this divorce will hit me so hard is because the last few years of our marriage were reaaly great, (at least in my opinion). With the kids grown, we had more time to spend together, and were enjoying it. We married and had responsibilities with kids very young so we were sort of recapturing our youth, occasionally drinking a little bit more than normal and enjoying some night life. We'd always had a good "love" life but it got even better. It's good to be alone in the house and it also helped that there were no more worries about pregnancy. As a direct result of this crisis we recently picked up a couple new interests in common. I learned to really enjoy watching football and we went dancing for the first time ever and discovered that we both love it.
I know what kind of woman I am and I know that I will want another love in my life someday but I am very, very broken by my husband's betrayal and it is going to take time to get to that place. So here is where I want to apologize in advance if I offend anyone of you wonderful ladies when I wonder about getting older and independence. I am 53 and so afraid that by the time I am ready the opportunity to enjoy the things I like will have passed me by. Will I be too old to go dancing, to want to hang in a club occasionally, for an active "love" life? I love going out and being a little crazy. I love feeling sexy for my man and I do not want to lose that. (I'm also concerned about the man what with all the commercials there are for men who need help. That help kind of bothers me a little, my husband has never needed it and I appreciate that). I am also worried that with the new found complete independence that is being forced on me, I might forget how to relax and "be a woman" with a man. I like feeling that I am being taken care of just as much as I like taking care of my love. Yes, I know that independence is a good thing and I admit that I can use some of it but I do not want to become a cold, hard woman who doesn't want a man or know how to let one into her life.
I hope I don't sound crazy. It is strange the things you are forced to think about when your entire life is changing against your will. Any advice, thoughts, or opinions will be greatly appreciated.

Alone,

In another 2 years I will be 50 myself and I have always thought...you are as young as you feel. I used to work as an aid for my city's special needs program where we would take them to shows, dance classes, bowling etc....all different places around the city. A lot of times the Senior's group would be just leaving or getting to some of these places after our group had finished or sometimes would be at the same places at the same time...I was young at the time, but watching these people in ages ranging from their 50's to 80's always amazed me. They were flirting and laughing with each other. They would always be laughing, dancing, singing, bowling etc, holding hands and enjoying the company of each other, some married, but a lot single. I knew the older man that worked behind the bar at the bowling place and he commented on how much they enjoyed life and had more energy and joy than a lot of the younger couples and singles that came into the place. I think you are what you want to be. I know with age comes physical issues, but it seems the people that are the happiest and living life are the ones who feel it in their hearts. It will take time to get over your divorce if that is what it comes to, but I think if you want an active life there is always one out there waiting for you.

Susan

You've come a long way, Cindy. Now your are thinking about your future instead of what your husband is doing.

I'm older than you and maybe I am one of those bitter ones, although I don't like to think so. I have no interest whatsoever in meeting another man. I also was badly hurt and don't want to put myself in a position where that could happen again.

Being in a new town where I don't know anyone other than my family, I haven't been able to do a lot of socializing. I'm working on it, and maybe that's the key here. Work on it. It's a small town and like most small towns there are equal numbers of churches as there are bars. I was never one to go into a bar alone, so I've been going to church. Hopefully, I'll have a more active social life with time.

You'll be just fine. Write down on something you will keep, like maybe your social security card, write "what will I be doing five years from now".

In five years you'll look at it again and be amazed at how far you have come.

I am 64 and got a divorce after 36 years of abuse...mostly verbal.

Age is irrelevant to me. i am a freshman in college. I won a scholarship, because of what I wrote about my life.

I am a dancer, singer, author, poetess. I am driven to make a difference in the world. I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group

I've written my memooir (not published yet), my book, Sanctuary of the Soul (poems of anguish, healing, hope, comfort and celebration) is amazingly endorsed by Elie Wiesel, Wayne Dyer, Nikki Giovanni, Drs. Alice Miller, Larry Dossey and many others.

In other words, live your life. Don't worry about things you cannot do anything about (age)....most things we worry about never happen....when they/it does, deal with it then. Don't waste your precious time and energy on something you cannot control.....

Try to live each day as if it is your last...because....someday....it WILL be!

www.soulpoetry.org
www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com

I have spent my life overcoming....a childhood of poverty, physical, emotional, sexual abuse, never knew my father....had my hand held over an open fire by a drunken neighbor.... no phone, car, refrigerator, tub/shower, etc., joined the army right out of high school and married someone like my mother (origina abuser): and tried to fix the past.......church voted me out of membership, etc., etc....

We all have choices....live in the past, etc....and waste our precious time and lives doing that...

or.....LIVE!

Yes, even after 6 years after the divorce; I still grieve but it doesn't prevent me from doing what I want to.

Dear Alone, I know you are a very interesting good person and someone would love to have you for their own. I don't think you are going to have to go that far. If he does actually leave I'll bet he'll be right back. This is a pipe dream and it is going to blow up in his face just watch. If he doesn't come back you will find someone even better who won't betray you. Try and take care of yourself first. You are in our thoughts and prayers always.