Today is not a good day. I am hurting so bad I actually feel sick to my stomach. My ex is here doing work (that is how he works off child support) and I made him lunch. I didnt realize how painful it would be. It was just like it used to be, me in the kitchen and him working on the house. Then I am suddenly jerked back into reality. He is not mine anymore. I do well most of the time and find myself constantly calling out to the Lord to give me peace. I was tormented in my mind last night and barely got any sleep. It was aweful. I prayed and prayed for it to stop. Then thoughts of her will come into my mind. He didnt leave me for another woman, I left him because what he did made it impossible for us to have a normal life together. An old high school girl friend found him after we filed for divorce and he has reconciled with her. She is 1000 miles away and he hasnt seen her yet but they are on the phone or texting constantly, even while he is here. I know I have forgiven him and I know that our divorce was completly unavoidable but some days it hurts so much I just want to scream. And I know some of you are stuggling because of child custody issues but my ex cant see my kids so that leaves everything up to me, which can be just as frustrating. I have to deal with all their crap and he doenst have to deal with anything. I know he would love to be in their lives but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with their teenage rebellion. Im sorry, Im just sounding off. I know this will pass. If he needs to do work around the house I should just make sure I am not here. And stop being so **** hospitable. Things will never be like they were...ever. So I just need to get over it. Today he was saying "We need to do..." and "We need to do..." I told him he needed to stop saying WE. That is even harder. It is ME, not WE. Some days I wish there was a pill that took away all feeling. That would be so nice. Going to a Wounded Persons support group tonight at church. Hope it helps.

Dina,

I'm sorry you are having a hard day. Is you stbx allowed to be in the house? Were your daughters not home? I knows its not easy but you have to find a way to move on for the safety of your children and your mental and emotional health.

It doesn't matter if he hasn't met the girl he is chatting and texting with. He already cheated numerous times before this, including molesting your daughters. I know it is a harsh reality, and I am sure you wish it would all just go away. I remember feeling that way as well.

I was told the best ways to move on was to have no contact. No contact on the phone, text, in person ect. and to change things in the house to look different from when he was there. Make it your own space. You might also look at divorce care and find a group near you for support.

I feel so sad for you. I really think it is a bad idea to have him come into your home and work off his child support. He needs to pay you period. I know your's is probley the worst case on our site. He is a very troubled man to have done what he did. It is so hard to let go I know this. Does the new momen know about his molestation charges? Maybe she has young daughter to protect as well. You have suffered the ultimate betrayal from this man. It would be best not to deal with him. This would also help you to move on. We are all hear for you.

Thank you guys for your support. No my daughters were not home. Yes, she does know everything about his past. He wrote a memoir and in it he talked about how much he loved her in highschool and he had asked her to marry him but then she did something to hurt him so he ran. This was a few pages talking about how much he loved her and how he was so devastated when he lost her. When it was his turn to talk about our 23 year marriage he said "I thought that if a girl stared at you and laughed at your jokes it meant she wanted sex. That is how I became a father." Nice huh? That was so devastating to me. I know what he did was beyond horrible but there is part of me that is still so attached. Maybe not having communication with him is the right thing to do. I need to break it off but each time I try I find some reason to call him or text him.I know I am pathetic. I have forgiven him but I dont know which hurts worse, seeing him or not seeing him. He cannot get a job because of his sex offender status so he cannot pay me child support and if I file and he cant pay he will go to jail. Granted, that is really where he belongs to pay for what he did but my daughter will not talk. Not that I want him in jail and although he did time for the first daughter what he did to my youngest daughter went of for far longer then my oldest. I dont know what is wrong with me. You would think the last thing I would want is to have anything to do with him. I think it is fear of being alone. I know that if he is gone then I am alone. My youngest daughter made me promise that I would not remarry until she is grown. I cant blame her for feeling that way and it is only 3 more years til she turns 18 but that is just concreting that I am and will be alone. I need to find ways to keep myself busy. I am joining a recovery group at church tonight hoping that will help me deal with some of my issues with him. Anyway, thanks for listening. Oh, he is not my stbx,our divorce was final March 2 so he is offically my EX.

...so sad, Dina. I agree your case is pretty bad...but you seem like a level headed person and will do fine. No contact is the way to go if you want to heal your heart. If ex comes to do work in the house, you should have someone else there while you go shopping or just leave the premises....Don't make the sandwiches, ok?

Your oldest daughter fought him in court...so I would think she is ok (...got her self esteem back)...

Your youngest daughter is screwed ...but she decided to keep quiet for the sake of keeping her Dad out of jail...that's a mistake but I'm sure she has her reasons. Did you offer counselling for your daughters? Hope they get some help because it will affect their future relationship with boyfriends.

For yourself...why didn't you talk to your ex when your oldest daughter first brought it up?....it's just a shame...cause it may had spared your second daughter her ordeal...

oh well..I guess we cannot change the past..but stay there for your daughters. I stayed single for my kids...and have never regretted that decision.

Dee,
By the time my oldest daughter told it was already too late for my youngest daughter and when it he finally got arrested my youngest daughter would not tell. She didnt even tell me. I didnt find out til he had been out of jail for more then a year. My daughter wrote an assignment for school and gave it to me to read. There it told what had happened to her. I was shocked. I told my mom right away, who contacted the police (I couldnt get myself to do it). They tried to get her to talk but she refused so they said "no victim, no crime." Yes, she is getting counseling. She still wont talk about it. My oldest daughter is not married with a family of her own and is doing better. My oldest daughter fortunately didnt have to testify against him because he took a plea that gave him time served and lifetime sex offender probation. I promised my daughter that I would not remarry until she is grown. She has fear of having a man in the house and I dont blame her. I do want to get married someday but the next few years are going to be filled with my kids and finishing my education. Then the rest of my life can be for me. Thanks for the encouraging words

Hi Dina,

I agree with the other comments that it would be best if you were NOT at the house when he comes over to do his work. It's too easy for him to slip back into the "we" mode, which is definitely not what you want to hear.

Is there some other way he can contribute toward child support besides working in your house? I realize he can't get a job, but perhaps he can make some products that you can sell for cash on eBay? Or perhaps he can offer services on Craig's List and have the customer pay the money to you for his services? Just some thoughts.

Hang in there. Life after divorce gets much better once you get him completely out of your life so that you can move on and create a much better life for yourself.

Hugs,

Keiko