I posted yesterday about how frustrated I was that I am still experiencing so much emotional upheaval. It doesn't sound like a long time... seven weeks, but it feels like a very long time. I'm confused as to what it is I think I miss, or why I find myself longing for what seem to be good memories. If I force myself I can see that even those good memories usually came with a price. He was a difficult man. My Post is gone. Did I name it wrong? Was the subject wrong? It was my first attempt at my own post instead of to reply to someone.
I feel married. I don't feel single. Is it just my unwillingness to fully let go of that dream I had?
I am tired of tears, tired of thoughts of him invading my day, tired of getting overwhelmed sometimes and feeling like I just can't xyz.
Then, somehow I do at least within a few days. So, if I intellectually know he is not "right" in the head, he's gone forever, and I have no choice but to move on... why does my heart, my emotions not seem to be ready to do that? I feel like a cry baby, a burden to my friends and my daughter who is trying to go to college for the first time in her 27 years. She was home schooled for junior high and high school and this style of learning is new to her. I don't want the bouts of anger that make it harder to tolerate my nearly 9 year old grandson's antics, or my daughters for that matter. They live at home. When she moved home is when my husband really began to spin out of control. He really lost it and then ran away from me, from us. He doesn't love me anymore. That's not drama, it is what he has said and demonstrated. There is not reason to decorate it other than that. It hurts. I won't lie.
But like I said before. I KNOW he has some mental illness. I KNOW he has been an addict abusing medication, I KNOW he was addicted to video games and could loose himself there for days not caring about anything else. I know how selfish and shallow the man really was. That isn't who I fell in love with. Not at all. He was a false sell job, and then his true colors came out. I had seen the truth and decided I still loved him and still wanted him as my husband. But when he saw himself through my eyes, he didn't like the picture one bit. He cried and struggled. He was used to being on top, the lead dog, sergeant C for 23 years. And he's gone now.
I just want to stop choking back tears. I want to move on. He has.

Hi, Dana: You didn't do anything wrong! I left after 31 years of abuse....it is a roller coaster ride.

I would suggest getting some counseling; that is a good place to get all of the emotions out....and writing your feelings, etc.

It is simple...you are grieving and it takes as long as it takes. I wouldn't share with your daughter...my daughter is about the same age, and she wouldn't want to hear it; she knows a little, but your peers are the ones you should share with, and you can go to divorce recovery groups (not that I think you ever fuly recover, but find a way to live with it; it has been 6 years alone for me....it is still there.

Hugs and Love, Alice

Dana,
Moving on is hard and unfortunately time-consuming. You are asking if you did something wrong. As far as I can see it, you did right. You chose to try to hold your marriage together even though he wasn't what he seemed. You chose to love him in spite of his faults. You are not at fault here.
If you are worried about your daughter and your grandson, know that you can't help them if you feel you are falling to pieces. I think you need some time to be you and care for yourself. As easy as that is to say, I know it's hard to do. Maybe take off two evenings to just to go out and be with friends to go bowling or play games or grab an ice cream cone. Sometimes you just need a change of scenery to recharge your batteries. Hang in there it does get better and don't expect to get over this in period just shy of two months. He was with you for 23 years... be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

Dana,

You said your post was missing. One that you had started. I think I remember reading it when you mentioned the 7 weeks you talked about. I don't recall anything wrong with it. I know when someone first posts when they go back to their post to read it over they have something like 45 minutes to edit it or cancel it....did you hit the delete word by mistake? Sometimes if you post to much they will not let you post for a while, but they usually give you a notice on the posting area when you press the "post message" wording. I know there is a place on the forum where you can question something or report something, but I don't remember reading anything wrong in anyones post and I usually try to read them all each day. Not sure what happened to yours.

Susan

Dear Dana, Would you like to redo your first post? As Susan pointed out perhaps you accidently cancelled it. We are a very close group here. We all have issues which are different yet very much the same. Your husband is not well. His life caught up with him and he is trying to run away from it. He can't out run it and everytime he looks back it is right behind him. You need to see a therapist to help you deal with your grief. I do truely believe God puts us in these situations to force us to change our lives for the better. We sacrifice ourselves to try and save our very damaged marriages. This is a time to heal and find yourself. He is a lost soul and if you let him he is going to take you down with him. We are all here for you to vent to. We have all poured our hearts out here so please feel free to do the same.

Hi Dana,

The first few months are the most difficult. It's natural to grieve for a while because you've lost a long-held relationship that was such a core part of your identity. If he’s mentally unstable, you probably should have left some time ago. Be gentle on yourself. Seek help from a counselor or therapist to help you heal your emotional wounds. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Know that things will get a lot better in the coming months. Use this time for personal growth and to nurture your soul. Take time to get in touch with the beauty of nature, listen to some relaxing music, spend some time at a spa, cuddle your favorite pet, watch your favorite comedies. Think about what you’d love to do with your life, now that you’re not constrained by your husband anymore. Once you let go of the negative thoughts, you’ll relish the freedom of your new life. And all kinds of new opportunities will open up for you.

Hugs,

Keiko
WingsForWomen.net