After being unhappy for some time within my long term relationship, I had a brief fling and left my partner. Some months after the split, I began dating the same guy again. My ex then told our 3 children that I'd been unfaithful (at the time they were aged 4, 9 and 11) and that the affair was the reason for the breakup. The kids were upset and obviously blamed me. I took the blame on board as I felt so guilty and also that it was not fair to discuss with the children the long term issues between myself and my ex that had contributed to our break up.

I continued my new relationship on weekends (while the kids spent time with their Dad) for a couple of years. Now, three years on, I have gradually introduced my new man to the kids. They accept him and really like him as do the rest of my family and friends. He lives nearby and often comes over and spends time with us (but not overnight). However, my ex is very bitter and has told the children that they must choose between him and my new partner and that if they have anything to do with my new partner he will refuse to have them over at weekends. This is causing a lot of stress to both myself and the kids. The kids all adore their Dad. The younger two don't want to upset him - but they want to be allowed to get on with life so they have taken to withholding information from their Dad. The oldest boy (aged 14) has complied and now refuses to talk to my new partner. I'm worried about the long term effects this will have on them all and I want to protect the kids from this stress so I'm holding back on progressing my new relationship but feel we are all being held to ransom. I have tried to talk to my ex and reason with him, but he refuses to discuss it and refuses to go to mediation. I have consulted a lawyer but as there is nothing in the court orders to prevent him doing this - I cannot take court action. I don't know how to manage this situation. What should I do?

What??? How can he do that to the kids...making them choose between the two of you??? This is just me, but I wouldnt change what you are doing. Ex is just trying to manipulate the situation...and you. If your new guy isnt doing anything to hurt the children (and I know that ex will come up with an excuse to say he is), than why should you have to change things? I think this is a big power play and I wouldnt give in to it.

I'm not sure how to handle it with the kids. On one hand its sad that they are in a sense lying to ex, but theyre just doing it because they want to see their dad! I dont know if I think it would be better to just have them be honest, let ex throw his tantrum...even if it means that you have the kids on weekends for awhile until he gets over it. Actually, I think thats what I would do if it were me. If ex sees that he isnt winning and you arent giving up your man, AND hes not seeing his kids as a result (of his own stupidity), I think he'll have no choice but to get over it.

I guess this is why my attorney included some statement in our papers about talking negatively about the other parent, blah, blah, blah. Ridiculous! Kids should never be put in the middle. Regardless of what he thinks of you or your behaviors (I'm not saying your wrong here, I'm just making a point) he has not right to do this to the kids. Are you/they in counseling. I think they need to be.

Has he always been this controlling? He has found a way to continue to control what you do even after several years. I'm not feeling like I have much advice, but I felt a need to respond. Hopefully others will have some insight for you. Keep us posted.

I agree Becky. We also had something put into our separation agreement regarding slamming the other parent. I think that is the worst thing you can do. I dont care what the issues are between the parents...how bad it is. It isnt the kids faults, and this behavior only hurts them more.

I dont know about my ex, as I have no faith in him anymore, but I will never speak poorly of him to my son or put my son in the middle of our crap.

Dear Nikki, I hope your children are in theraphy. I find it hard to believe if you have a therapist back you up that this issue can not be revisited in court. This is harmful to the well being of the children. Can you go to mediation without him to show a climate of cooperation. He hasn't any new relationships? There needs to be some sort of boundaries set here. What if you want to remarry this man? It may cost money for the attorney but I would try and bring this back to court. A unbiased therapist would be very important. Would your ex help you select one? Just try and keep the door open with your 14 year old. This is such a hard time. Don't be shocked if he decides he wants to go live with Dad. At this age they are more inclined to bond with Dad. My grandson's dad had little or nothing to do with him as a child but my grandson chose to go with his dad when my daughter split from his father. He didn't stay long though and ended up living with me most of the time. I am a fan of family counseling. You of course must make your children come first but is this actually putting them first? Your child is learning a very bad lesson from your ex. He is blackmailing everyone here. My thoughts and prayers are with you.