OK, so he "was" a wonderful husband and this might be a mid-life crises. You two have worked out a lot of the problems and he admits he might be making a mistake if he leaves. He knows you might not want to take him back.

And yet he is still willing to risk it? He's still willing to take the chance you'll allow him back?

So what are you? A ping-pong ball that he can keep bouncing back and forth?

In my humble opinion, you need to keep a stiff spine and tell him that if he leaves, there is no coming back! And stick to it!

If he wants to come back, let him spend the rest of his life on the outside, trying to get back in. Actually, that might be a good idea. He could spend the rest of his life trying to make you happy, but never succeed in getting back. Sounds like a winning situation for you.

I know this is may sound harsh, and I apologize. What he is saying...is "Let me go and shack up somewhere else...test the waters and see if there is something better out there. If I dont like it...then I'll just come back to you".

He is, in my opinion, looking at you as second best Alone. He knows that if he isnt getting what he wants out there that you will be waiting with opened arms to take him back.

The questions that you need to ask yourself are:
Are you ok with knowing that you arent his first choice? That if something "better" is out there than he is going to take off and not return? Then, if he decides that he wants to come back...will you just be able to put aside the fact that he left you, and is coming back, and basically "settling" for you?

I'm sorry...I know I'm sounding mean Alone. I just think that he is trying to soften the blow of him leaving by having you think that he may be coming back to you. Kind of like he is going to leave you hanging and wondering if he'll return. That is so unfair to you! I know how painful it is for you because he wants to give up on your marriage, but I wonder if it isnt more painful to have him doing what he is doing to you now by bouncing his thoughts on divorce back and forth the way he is.

I agree with Chris. Your husband is leaving. He is just trying to leave without causing a big scene and hopefully, make it where he can come back just incase it doesn't work out. He is wrong to drag this out and keep you hoping. That "its possible I am making a mistake, but he needs to find out for sure," is his way of trying to get out the door with your blessing. He is trying/hoping you will keep it together enough for him to leave without a guilty conscience.

I'm sorry, Alone (Cindy), you deserve so much more than this. You at least deserve an honest answer and then peace and healing. I don't mean to be harsh either but I am afraid for you emotionally Alone. I understand doing what it takes to make your marriag work. I understand the better or for worse, and you want to stand by him through even the worse. But you can't make him stay. You need to take care of yourself now.

The others have said wise things. While my situation was different than yours, I fought hard for my marriage-for years. Jerk threatened to leave but didn't have the ba//s to do it. I finally got fed up with the roller coaster that had become my life. He needed me to tell him I'd be OK without him. He needed to feel he still had control of things. He needed, he needed, he needed. Nothin about what I needed.

So, during one of his tantrums, I told him, "You want to leave? Go." I cried. I cried hard. He tried to comfort me, and I pulled away. I cut the ties right then and there. This was on a Thursday. We had agreed we'd tell the kids together. So Friday night rolls around and I say to him, "Don't you have something to tell the kids?" What? So soon? I told him that he made the choice, it's time to do it. I didn't give him one chance to back out. Now I was in control. We sat down and told the kids Friday evening. Saturday supper time rolls around and he's STILL here. I kicked his a$$ out the door. I told him he wanted to go, he needed to quit stringing me along, he needed to stop giving false hope to the kids, and he needed to pack a suitcase and go. Since he travels a lot for his job this wouldn't be unusual for the kids to see. He would come back when the kids weren't there for more things.

He wanted me to lean on him. I refused to give him that satisfaction. He wanted me to need him. I don't NEED him. At that point I was very sad he had left, but I can stand on my own 2 feet just fie. I refused to be in a relationship that was one way. After probably 6 years of misery, hanging on so desparately, I was able to move on prety quickly once I pushed him out. That was the best decision I ever made. I left no doubt in his mind that he made the decision now he needed to go live with it.

If you have been able to endure staying through all of this, I can tell you you will have the strength to be fine when he's gone. You will have so much more peace in your life. (((Hugs)))

Yes you make good points. But I can't help it that I do want him to stay, I know that what he is doing is wrong and I believe that he will see that to. He is not just moving out, he is moving 1400 miles away. My children will lose their father, my grandchildren will barely know him, there will always be a giant hole in our family. So I fight for that to. We were each others first everythings. Yes, at this time I am second place for him. Maybe I will still be second place even if he comes back. But as I see it all I have left right now is being second place. I am not the kind of woman who wants to be alone. I will never be fulfilled without someone to love. But anyone I find will have had a first wife too. I will be second at best. My only chance of being first again is if my husband decides to come back of his own free will. If he does, I know we could get past this. I know we could be just find again.

Cindy, there could very well be someone out there looking for someone just like you to love and be loved by. Someone that would ALWAYS put you first. Just because they've been married before does not mean you are second. They had not met you. You don't know the circumstances of their dissolved marriage. They didn't put someone else ahead of you...you were not there. But as long as you hold on and continue to be second best to your current H, that person will never meet you. You will never know. Just some food for thought.

One additional thought...can you honestly say you are fulfilled now?

Cindy,

Not to be harsh also, but I gave my ex a number of chances to leave and come back because I thought the same thing... that he would get out there and start missing what we had together, that he would realize what he was doing, and at first he did always ask to come back because he missed us and loved us(me and the boys). But things changed, each time he came back he would try less and less to make things work. In truth, he wanted time to adjust to the idea of being with this new girl, but like your ex, he always wanted to leave that door open. He wanted to feel safe knowing that there was something still there if he needed it, but the fact was he was just doing things in his time, he is the biggest coward I know and he was just going to play the game till he was finished. I had to take control and put an end to it myself. I don't regret letting him come back the times he did, like you I needed that time to know that I had did all that I could. I had no regrets when it came time to tell him to leave and not come back. I may have if I didn't give him chances, but I reached that point where I knew enough was enough. People gave me advice and I took it all to thought, but I knew it was over when I hit that point. I think you are coming slowly to that point yourself. I see the signs in what you are saying and the questions you are asking. Stay strong, read and think about all the posts and in time you will know what you will have to do. I did, it wasn't easy, but it did free me.

Susan

Dear Susan, As usual I could not add a thing to your post in fact I am so glad I read it before I responded to Alone. Your post gave a new twist on Alone's situation for me. Everything has it's season and her's hasn't ended quite yet. Just know Alone that we all care very much about you. We don't want to see you suffer any more pain. I to can see the change which is coming over you lately. I know you are such a strong women to have lasted nine months now. Your husband doesn't deserve such a wonderful women as you are. But no one has the right to tell you when it is time. As Susan I think you will know. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.