Discuss your troubles, compare ex's, offer suggestions, and share stories!
I understand how you want the sweet softspoken man you married. I think we all remember who our husbands were and want that man back. I know I do.
But that dear, wonderful man was only a part of the whole person. There were ugly, mean parts that came out. Parts that I couldn't live with, no matter how much I loved him.
You are young and three children won't stop another man from loving you. You have a lot of years ahead. Make wise choices for yourself and your children, now and always.
You are being emotionally abused, and so were your children. You absolutely did the right thing by leaving. Do not second guess yourself hun.
Your ex sounds like mine. I had the college degree and he didnt. He always resented my job, as he always had to work harder and longer hours than I did. He never hit me either, but would take his aggression out on everything around him. He would throw and break things, punch holes in the walls, curse and call me names. I told him how he made me afraid of him. Also, I would know that as his fist was going through the drywall, he was hitting that insead of me. "He was that mad at me?" was what I would think.
You don't want, or deserve to live that way and neither do your kids. You dont want your children learning from him...that that is how you deal with anger, and that that is how you treat people. You also dont want them being scared when it happens. These are very valid reasons for you leaving. You did it to keep you and your children safe. Afterall, if he is capable of destrying the house, who's to say that one day he wouldnt snap and come after you? Were you supossed to hang around to find out??? No.
As far as his family, I've dealt with that too. Ex's mom knows what a piece of crap he is. She saw a hole in our bedroom wall and asked me if ex did that. Yup...she knows just what he is. Still, in the end it appears that she has sided with him. Dont worry about his family. Family is going to stick together, even if inside they know the truth. You have your family, so lean on them.
As far as kidnapping, thats a bunch of crap. You took your children out of an abusive, potentially dangerous situation. Thats what a responsible parent does.
I know it hurts to have left, and how you mourn for what you had, or thought you had with him. You will absolutely find another man one day. You are so young and have so much ahead of you, for both yourself and your babies. Lots of good times and happiness to be had. For now, try not to think about another man wanting you and your kids. That will happen for sure. Just concentrate on what is in front of you, and know that YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
I know it is overwhelming, and no one likes to dive into a deep lake not knowing what's there. But when you have a creature is threatening to devour you on top of the cliff you know that what is ahead of you can only be better. I am so glad to hear you have a supportive family.
Hi! Know you are not alone in facing this horribly sad and confusing choice. My husband is well-educated and not only employed professionally, but is a key figure in the education field in my state where we both work as educators. Like you describe, he was the most amazing person when we first met, dated, and married. Yet, it was not long before he turned emotionally and eventually physically abusive. As you describe he would lash out, then there would be a period where he would do and say such nice things and I would feel so good and think it was okay. This is a typical abuse cycle from what I have learned.
I stuck it out for 13 years, hoping if I said or did or learned just the right thing, he would change. He didn't. Not that I assume he will never change. He was not able to change before I outgrew him and realized I need to be treated right and would not tolerate his abuse any longer.
Be careful on the temper! Mine was verbally abusive for a long time...though I didn't know to call it that at the time. Then he started throwing things, then throwing them at me, little pushes, etc. It was escalating, but I didn't see it. I always trusted he would never hit me. Well he lost it one night (over an argument about him not helping with the chores) and seriously assaulted me. That finally woke me up. He is maybe 60% the nice guy I love, but 40% of him is troubled, insecure, depressive, abusive = dangerous.
You are wise to take things seriously and take some time for yourself to figure out what you need to do. Don't be surprised if it takes you awhile. I always thought it would be a no-brainer with this type of treatment from a man for me. But the love doesn't die out easily, and if you're a caring, compassionate person, you don't stop seeing the side of him you love. It took me a year and a half to decide to follow through with divorce. But I did this while separated so I could get my head clear. Be patient with yourself...take your time, but keep yourself safe.
I know how heart-breaking the part is about your in-laws. I LOVED my in-laws and it's been a whole other grief process to lose them as family. And to not be able to talk with them honestly about what was going on has been awful and felt isolating. Remember it is not easy for them to see something like this about a family member. They don't want to see it. First and foremost, my ex-husband is their son, brother, etc. and they feel allegiance to him, as they should. No one is all bad and they deserve the love and support of their family. So it's hard, but it might be better to not seek them out for support, but instead build your own support system of friends. It hurts so much to do this, I know. I am now exploring what post-divorce relationship I can have with his family now. Luckily, it seems we will stay in touch. But not sure how that will look yet.
Good luck and you've come to a good forum to help you through and to not feel so alone.
You did the right thing for both your sakes. If he really wants to repair this relationship he needs to seek help. He needs anger management! It is a cycle which was quickly escalating and before long you would have experienced physical violence. He would go to jail so you are actually saving him if you look at this way. These abusers eventually turn on the children as well. 22 is the beginning of life not the end. My husband married me with a one year old and a three year old and we have been married 37 years. A good man will love you and your children. We do all love our children with all our hearts and souls and would not trade them for anything. You may want to consider limiting your family for the time being in the future if he is not stable financially or emotionally. Take care of yourself, your children and your unborn child. A new baby will bring great joy and a new lease on life for you. People can change their lives but he has to do the hard work to prove to you and the family he is worthy of you. I can tell you from my own experience with my youngest daughter even parents who love you will soon tire of the cycle. My daughter left my grandson's father over and over through the years. Each time she came home we helped her pick up the pieces and move on. Then she would go back to him. Everything would be wonderful for about a year then it all started all over again. This went on until my grandson was 14 yrs. old. This man never did marry my daughter either. So when she did leave she got very little compared to what she should have gotten. He did finally start abusing my grandson and I stepped in and threatened to call the police. I had my grandson live with me during most of his high school years and now he is off at college. So it gets worse if it isn't dealt with. If he is not responding to your calls he may be angry, moved on or God knows what. You really need to take legal action ASP to get custody of your children. We had an problem with my grandson's father and called the police who stated neither of them had any legal recourse until they went to court to establish custody. So my grandson's father could have taken him and we would have to wait to go to court to get him back. You know him better than anyone. Is he worth your effort? If he is sincere he will start the process to prove to you he can change and be a good husband and father. If not your life isn't over. My first husband and I also seperated during my pregnancy with my youngest. I was crushed but after the baby was born I began to date and meet my husband. I was 25 yrs old when I married my second husband with two little girls whom he has raised and loved as his own. Things seem so bad when your pregnant anyway. Stay with your parents and make plans either way. I think you realize by going back it will just be more of the same. Make him work hard if he wants to regain his family. He will value you and the children so much more that way. Our prayers are with you.
I'm going to say something totally different. Go find an attorney real fast...because you can lose your kids for taking them.
You are up against him and his entire family. Know your legal rights. Abusive men usually will try to take custody of the kids...
Sweetie: I am 64 and got a divorce when I was in my late 50's.......The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.
Trust me, unless the abuser gets into therapy and spends perhaps YEARS getting help for their issues, they will never change.
Take advantage of the resources available to you; counseling, etc.
Love, Alicia
Alicia, that is a great book and I was going over it yesterday. Another book is Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? It is very upfront and powerful about why men abuse. I am 52 and have been divorced for 5 years and my ex still tries to make my life miserable. My sons have not spoken to me in 4 years and he encourages it. I can honestly say without tears, it is their problem not mine. I have offered apologies to my sons but get cussed out as a response.
I can move on with my life with knowing I will never be called a name again.